[Mapper]

So H has old girlfriend from 20 years ago who he STILL talks about. As far as I know she didn't have a boyfriend for years and years and has finally started seeing someone and they've been together maybe 1 1/2-2 years. I know this because I snoop on H's Facebook. H used to send her messages and stop by her place unannounced (usually after drinking) when I would be out of town. He never told me he did this, I just found out by snooping. I think the times he did stop by she wasn't home and the messages never went beyond him suggesting that they should have a beer because he usually realized what he was doing and would back out of it or she simply wouldn't respond. Funny how as soon as he figured out she was dating this guy, the messages and random stops by her house stopped! Gee if you're "just friends" then why would they stop??

I have never met the woman in the 7 years I've been here and as far as he lets on, he just occasionally will "like" something on her Facebook page (and if by sometimes he must mean 99.9% of the time because he "likes" nearly everything that she puts up but, funnily enough, when there's a picture or mention of her boyfriend, he doesn't like it!) and that's as much as he says he has anything to do with her. Yet her name comes up in conversation a few times every month for no reason like "Oh Jen got me these when we were dating" or "Jen and I used to go to this one bar" or "Jen picked out this jacket for me back in the 90s and I still have it". It drives me nuts and he always says "Don't worry about anything happening with me and Jen. She's just a really nice person and we just weren't meant to be." I mean last year right about this time he sent her a message asking her if she'd take his 17 year old daughter shopping because she has an amazing sense of style and he just isn't able to convey that to his daughter! I only found this out because I snooped! He never told me this. Yes, why don't you have a woman who you say you haven't seen in years and who hasn't seen your daughter since she was like 8 take her shopping! And how would you explain that to me?? That never happened because he once again sent the message after he had been drinking and never followed up on it!

So now he's got a new job opportunity and was revising his resume last night. I read it over and changed some things and looked for grammatical errors. While I'm in the middle of doing that he sends a Facebook message to Jen and THEN tells me "Well you probably aren't going to like this but I'm going to tell you anyways. I just sent a message to Jen to see if she could review my resume. She's a technical writer and this is what she does. I appreciate your help a lot, but she has been doing this for years and she's really good at it." Well thanks for telling me AFTER you did it!!

I said I was okay with it, but I'm really not okay with him involving her in helping him. He has never asked for her help in any of the other resumes he's written. I mean how great that she is a technical writer and has an AMAZING sense of style. Meanwhile he's apparently saying I suck at writing and my style is horrible!

Am I blowing this out of proportion??

[Moogieotter]

Sorry you continue to struggle, Mapper. It sounds like me drinks out a few nights a week?

I think you have been asked this before and explained that you are just here to vent, but I'll ask again - why are you staying in this relationship?

I hope you are finding the support you need. Good Luck!

moogs

[divine1966]

Do you both drink or just him? Is he having drinking problems? You both seem to dislike each other. Why stay?

[nicoleflynn]

Time to be honest with him. snooping......not a good sign.

[Shazerac]

You need to be honest with him about the snooping. also why do you lie and say a behavior of his is ok with you when it not ok? That's also dishonest. Put on your big girl panties and tell him how you really feel about his behavior.!

I really feel bad for you Mapper,I really do after reading the many threads you have started about your husband.I feel bad for you because it's obvious you desperately want him to change but the truth is you can't change someone.

[Rose76]

No - you are not blowing this out of proportion. She belongs to his past, and it is a part of his past that he should close the door on.

He wants to maintain a relationship with her. This isn't him talking about a past relationship. He is actively cultivating a current relationship. Tell him it is high time he cut the tie. Do not allow him to talk to you about her. Tell him he absolutely must not be arranging to meet with her for any reason whatsoever. Tell him that he is jeopardizing the staility of his marriage by doing this.

Make this non-negotiable. You and he have a daughter. Of course you want your marriage and family to remain intact. What he's doing is 1000% inappropriate - to say the least. Put your foot down. You not doing that is enabling him.

He should know better, but he doesn't. You do, so tell him you will not tolerate any more of this. He's treating you like a fool.

He should stop following her on facebook.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Rose76

No - you are not blowing this out of proportion. She belongs to his past, and it is a part of his past that he should close the door on.

He wants to maintain a relationship with her. This isn't him talking about a past relationship. He is actively cultivating a current relationship. Tell him it is high time he cut the tie. Do not allow him to talk to you about her. Tell him he absolutely must not be arranging to meet with her for any reason whatsoever. Tell him that he is jeopardizing the staility of his marriage by doing this.

Make this non-negotiable. You and he have a daughter. Of course you want your marriage and family to remain intact. What he's doing is 1000% inappropriate - to say the least. Put your foot down. You not doing that is enabling him.

He should know better, but he doesn't. You do, so tell him you will not tolerate any more of this. He's treating you like a fool.

He should stop following her on facebook.

They do not have kids together. It's his from first marriage

[Rose76]

Here's another thing I thought of afterwards: If "Jen" has any normal sense of healthy boundaries, she will have zero interest in takng his daughter shopping, editing his resume, or meeting up with him for a beer. It sounds like she hasn't shown given him any encouragement on any of these ideas.

The facebook connection is inappropriate. I'm not that into social media, but my understanding is that you can put filters that will control who sees what. I'm flabbergasted at how open some people's facebook content is - to a point that even strikes me as unsafe and compromising the privacy of themselves and their friends. People with sense, IMHO, set up the filters so that the general public sees only posts of publicly available Net content - like pretty scenery or admirable quotations of published writers. (Personally, I don't let non-friends see anything on my wall.) Then a facebook user can set up distinctions between close friends and run-of-the mill friends. Photos showing who one is in a relationship with and photos of what one does with their nearest and dearest shouldn't be accessable to casual aquaintances, IMO. At this point, that's all your husband is to his former girlfriend. I think she's allowing him too much access to her private life. Some people may not know how to limit access, or be too lazy to set that up, or just not care who views their personal stuff. I would be a little suspicious of why she lets him see as much as he sees.

There is a very unhealthy trend going on of people wanting to keep peeking into the lives of their exes. This, IMO, is a neurotic use of facebook.

I don't want to say anything about this current situation as I commented last time and was ignored.

I just would like to point out that it's nice to acknowledge the fact that there are people here who take time to be concerned for you, Mapper.

I'm actually wondering if any of these get read by you and whether you prefer we not comment on what you say?

[Crazy Hitch]

If I take your previous threads into account, I'm failing to see the compatibility you two share or the continued success of this relationship at the current rate of where it stands.

[divine1966]

It started to seem rude to me. We reply to your post but you never come back and even acknowledge it. It does take time for us to reply to your thread but you just ignore the replies.

[Misssy2]

I don't know what is going on...I don't know your history or your ages.
I think if my b/f reached out to a "technical writer" for help on his resume....I would be grateful that I didn't have to look at it.

But, if you feel he is not over her...if you have told him before not to contact her...than I would be mad.

[~Christina]

Mapper??? Can you respond ?

I would draft a new resumé for him beginning with his next professional position:

Divorcée; Washington (2017-present). Failed to recognize or respect spouse's feelings and emotional boundaries and was subsequently terminated from matrimony.

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Mapper??? Can you respond ?

Yes I'm seeing the responses. I'm venting so not really sure what I need to respond to. I just think it's wrong of him to decide that his ex should look at his resume rather than me. What must she think of me?? He asks her to look at his resume rather than his wife, he asks her to take his daughter shopping because she has such great fashion sense over his wife. She must be on a high pedastel thinking how great he still thinks she is and probably wonders if he even tells me any of this stuff. Because when I see his responses to her there is never a mention of me. No mention that I looked it over first, never a mention of "us" being out just "him", just a mention of "him" taking a vacation, but not with me, even though I'm there.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Mapper

Yes I'm seeing the responses. I'm venting so not really sure what I need to respond to. I just think it's wrong of him to decide that his ex should look at his resume rather than me. What must she think of me?? He asks her to look at his resume rather than his wife, he asks her to take his daughter shopping because she has such great fashion sense over his wife. She must be on a high pedastel thinking how great he still thinks she is and probably wonders if he even tells me any of this stuff. Because when I see his responses to her there is never a mention of me. No mention that I looked it over first, never a mention of "us" being out just "him", just a mention of "him" taking a vacation, but not with me, even though I'm there.

Ok so you're just venting and feel no need to respond? What I'm hearing is that you just want to complain, but are not willing to do anything to make your situation better. Best of luck to you.

I normally wouldn't consider this a deal breaker; but, what with the other issues this becomes a bigger deal. I think you need to evaluate whether this is a relationship you wish to exhaust yourelf trying to save or instead put your own needs first. I know that fear of the unknown can be paralizing; but, I've taken a few blind leaps in my life and I'm still here and better off for having done so.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Mapper

Yes I'm seeing the responses. I'm venting so not really sure what I need to respond to. I just think it's wrong of him to decide that his ex should look at his resume rather than me. What must she think of me?? He asks her to look at his resume rather than his wife, he asks her to take his daughter shopping because she has such great fashion sense over his wife. She must be on a high pedastel thinking how great he still thinks she is and probably wonders if he even tells me any of this stuff. Because when I see his responses to her there is never a mention of me. No mention that I looked it over first, never a mention of "us" being out just "him", just a mention of "him" taking a vacation, but not with me, even though I'm there.

Mapper - Yes, we know. We heard you. We gave you affirmation. It is appropriate for you to acknowledge us. So thanks for posting again.. Now stop going in circles. You don't have to convince us further. We believe you. He is wrong.

[StewieGG]

I don't like saying this, but it sounds like he still has feelings for her. I have been in a similar situation, where my boyfriend would go to his ex for advice all the time, and talk about our relationship to her, accidentally called me her name. He eventually admitted he still loved her. The fact that you are feeling the need to snoop in his private messages, and then finding red flag worthy messages speaks volumes. I can see this going downhill I really think you both need to talk about this situation. Sending hugs your way~

[Shazerac]

Mapper, would you be kind enough to put the disclaimer "I just want to vent, no suggestions wanted" like you did on your other thread? It would help people spend time on other things than this thread. Thank you