Hi, new here.
I made the writing as organised as I could, hope it's ok.

I've been having a concerning issue about relationships.
I am a 22 year old male, and a relationship with a female is a meaning of life for me. Interestingly enough this trait has heritage in my family - my father has had a marriage with my mom for over 25 years and they always express happiness, casual romance and support each other. They almost never fight about something. His father has had a lifelong marriage lasting until his wife died, and he was complaining about wanting to end his life by then (a GP helped with psychiatric medications for that) I think he was nearly 90 by then.

I have that same desire and inner love for a woman. Although I can easily express frustration to women compared to men, I have deep feelings of pure (maybe innocent) love for those to whom I have those feelings. I may become easily angry with women because I feel more emotionally comfortable with talking to them.
I've had 3 relationship attempts lasting 1-1.5 months.
One was 4 years ago, the other was about half a year after, and the last one was 2.5 years after.
They all broke up with me.
Other than that, a very few attempts to ask for a number/meetup, talking to women strangers, though these were not at all daily activities.

Something some of my friends have questioned is why I'm not creating relationships based on sexual attraction. This questioning has devastated me.
Here I need to state - the relationships I formed felt more emotional to me. I can simply LOVE a woman for who she is, until she decides to break up. That's why it's so hard for me to cope with someone who leaves, a woman feels so important to me.
The thing is, I don't know whether the sexual attraction was behind the scene, or non-existent.
I never think about "Is she sexy? Do I feel X, Y, and Z?" I just listen to a core feeling of wanting to be with her and love her, but due to a feeling of disregard for sexual attraction, I am very confused.

I had a friend whom I feel has poisoned me with "alpha male" rules which I'm not sure how true they are to reality, as reality is getting more superficial and sexual than usual as it feels.
That's why I "had" him as a friend - he hurt my feelings and denied some of my personality traits as wrong. This has been a big deal for me, years of denial, more than I can write about it right now since it's also off-topic.

I don't know what to do. The desire for love to a woman is a very integral part of me. But I'm not thinking of romance or sex, allot more of a sweetheart.
The fact that I can't seem to get a date is really really putting me down, that idea of failure is quite crippling me.
Something interesting to note - when I started my second relationship, I felt a release of energy to create art. When I see relationships starting to form, I thrive, I feel extremely exhilarated!

But my failure shows a dark polar side to this and it's devastating me.
I need help on this.

Thanks.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Vibrating Obsidian: I have to admit, I'm not quite sure what to write here with regard to this. (By the way, I'll just mention my wife & I have been married for 38 years.) You mentioned your father's marriage & his father's. One thing I think is that, at least from my perspective, relationships are a lot different nowadays than they were back when I was young.

Of course, way back when I was young, we didn't have the internet, computers, smart phones & all of that stuff. You just knew the relatively few people you knew. And relationships seemed to form more-or-less naturally, on their own. I don't think that we really thought that much about the technicalities of how they formed... they just did. And, of course, there was a certain amount of social pressure exerted in an effort to keep them together... (not that it worked all that well in a lot of cases.) Nowadays, it seems as though there is a lot more mental energy expended by young people analyzing why particular relationships work or don't work. And it seems as though young people today have more difficulty establishing lasting romantic relationships. At least that's the impression I have. Perhaps it comes from reading too many posts here on PC.

My inclination is to say you just need to keep living your life... working, studying, recreating... all of the things you do day-in & day-out. Along the way you'll meet a variety of women. And occasionally, perhaps, there will be an attraction. When there is, you just have to pursue it & see where it goes, if anywhere... see if it develops into that type of "sweetheart" relationship you have in mind. But, at least from my aging perspective, I don't think you can analyze your way to success. Chances are at some point along the way you'll meet someone with whom you can at least attempt to create the kind of marriages your father & his father had. But it will either happen or it won't. There's nothing you can do to make it happen. And, in fact, it seems to me that ruminating on it is only likely to make the process more difficult & less likely to produce the desired result. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you well...

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Something some of my friends have questioned is why I'm not creating relationships based on sexual attraction...

I had a friend whom I feel has poisoned me with "alpha male" rules...

Being in lust and being in love are not the same thing, and I would doubt your father or grandfather ever spent much time pondering sexual pursuits. And as far as "alpha male" is concerned, the goal of a right-minded man does not include taking a woman as some kind of hostage.

As has been suggested, just return to or remain who and what you are and mean to be -- Be true to yourself -- and then watch for opportunities to share a coffee or tea or whatever until you meet someone moving along at a familiar pace while being true to herself and not driven or pulled around by the vain or foolish imaginations of others.

[shezbut]

Have you ever thought about talking with a counselor or T (therapist) about this issue? Perhaps they could help you work up the self-confidence you need to be simply satisfied with your own company while you wait to meet the right person for you.

Very best wishes to you!

[Trippin2.0]

Your description "relationship is the meaning of life for me" and the length of your relationships has me wondering if you don't come across as too intense...

Like too hard too fast, or too much too soon.

I could be way off base, but I remember being 22 and if a guy wanted me to be an integral part of his meaning of life before the one month mark, I'd be running in the opposite direction. Full speed.

Why, well for one, that's way too much responsibility to place on another human being, and 2, its just way too soon.

Also angry outbursts no matter how comfortable you are, are generally not expressed during the honeymoon phase and could also have played a role in why these girls ran off.

I agree that you should not make finding a partner the focal point of your existence, and that some kind of counseling will most likely be beneficial to you.

I don't think it's any big deal that you've had 3 relationship attempts lasting only 1-1.5 months at your age. Though, if you are getting angry with a woman after knowing her only for one month then these women probably did the right thing in regards to breaking up with you. You need to learn to express your feelings to women in a "give and take" (2 way conversation) kind of way without anger. Not everyone we date is "right" for us. Some women need to be both emotionally close and sexually attracted to their boyfriends. You are still young, if you continue to date, it is likely that you will eventually have a relationship that lasts much longer!

[Bill3]

What was the anger about, the anger that you were you expressing to these women?

[TishaBuv]

Why did the prior girlfriends break up with you?

[ablankscript]

Another person cannot provide a meaning to your life. Sure a relationship can bring support, but not meaning. Nothing in the world will bring everlasting happiness as that only comes from within. We find that when we put that kind of pressure on something to bring us happiness it will fails us. Say you meet a woman expecting her to make you happy and she does for a little while, then it wears off then you will say she doesn't give me that feeling of happiness anymore so you will start chasing that initial happiness. Another person shall not be used as a means (object) to an end (your happiness or self fulfillment) but they should be the end in and of their self. This applies to using another person for sex, entertainment, and love. People will realize quickly when they are a thing to you rather than your beloved. You say you have angry outbursts, much like a person who has a dog and is training them to be their pet a person may see another person is simply "something" to be trained to serve to their own personal needs ie life meaning, thus when they do not do as you see fit to fulfill your need you get angry and punish them. Getting angry with another puts you above them, it means you feel that you have authority to get angry. In equal relationships people still get angry, but they express themselves in way acceptable to equals. In anything in life the way you express disappointment with another shows how you define your relationship. The way you get angry with these women shows them how you see them, if you berate them like you would a child or dog that shows a lot, while you should respectfully disagree that is with out losing your temper.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah, you can't base your life on a relationship.. you have to work on yourself first.. Maybe a therapist could help.

Thank you all for the very kind replies.
It was really hard writing this post. So much to vent it's hard keeping things on point. But here it is:
It's a hurtful topic, I got hurt from friends (not sure about that anymore) because of the details of my explanation (I can be extremely detail-sensitive), so I won't explain allot about the reasons for anger and breakups.
On the whole, the angers were because of fear of distancing or potential for future distancing ("have to study allot right now", etc). Although, I had no anger issues in the first relationship. The angers were only one time in the other relationships - one was a statement with a raise voice. The other was a raised voice about not contacting me well about meeting up, because I felt she's distancing herself.
The breakups were the "it's not you, it's me", "I don't think it will work out" and "It feels like you don't love me".
I think I know why all this happened. I brought my core of love right out, that's why I was chasing intensively and being sensitive if something seems wrong, and that's why I ended up feeling so vulnerable when things went wrong.
I just have this piece of thought of being all 100% open in a relationship, but that is what makes me seem and be so vulnerable. So instead, I'm gonna take things more easily in relationships. I feel that instead of chasing, I will be more laid back and let the woman "chase" me a bit. I will let the core of love out allot more gradually, will keep to my own allot more than before. I will tend to myself allot more.

Relationships at times do make me feel like it's a meaning of life because I want to be with a woman for a lifetime, be partners who grow together and share our lives together.
But it can also mean my inner, very sensitive and cautious love core for women. I love the idea of exploring someone who is so different from you and loving each other for that.
But I will not bring it right up on the table this time. I will tend to myself more, be more laid back, let go if she seems unsure of herself or the relationship.
It kinda feels like a bummer because there's also my piece of mind that everyone deserves a chance - another reason why I would chase, because no one would want to be given up on because he has to study, etc. It was a selfless, yet futile motive. Love must be displayed mutually, so if she won't be able to meet up because of studying, I'll pass the ball with a "ok, if you're clear from studying call me" or something, and move on with my own business.

Oh, and as for a counselor/therapist, I go to a therapist once a week, but I'd rather use the time with him for more core issues.

[TishaBuv]

When we go into relationships, we have the hopes that it will last forever, and we look for the potential and the red flags about this person going the distance with us. But, forever is very far away and all we have control of is today. So look at the relationship as in the here and now with just hopes of the long haul.

You are so focused on the end result, you are putting too much pressure on everything.

Also, because you raised your voice in anger, these women sensed a red flag in you as a potential abuser and maybe that's why they ended it. If your anger is due to you worrying they will not be with you forever, you are self sabotaging.

I think you are very wise in easing up on your expectations in future relationships. I can echo Trippin in that when I was young if someone pursued me very keenly it terrified me.

I think at 22 you have the potential and time to find that special person, I do think it is healthy you want to connect emotionally rather than this alpha male stuff, that is probably a reflection you are emotionally mature.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

When we go into relationships, we have the hopes that it will last forever, and we look for the potential and the red flags about this person going the distance with us. But, forever is very far away and all we have control of is today. So look at the relationship as in the here and now with just hopes of the long haul.

You are so focused on the end result, you are putting too much pressure on everything.

Also, because you raised your voice in anger, these women sensed a red flag in you as a potential abuser and maybe that's why they ended it. If your anger is due to you worrying they will not be with you forever, you are self sabotaging.

Thanks mate, that's allot of enlightenment for me.