Hi
I have been unemployed for a month and a friend of mine is an aspiring coach with some experience, so when we found ourselves at a party, she was presumably trying to help me.

I am going to recall her words and behaviour and ask for an opinion and advice. So here is what she did.

We were already after a few drinks when she approached me, sat next to me and started speaking to me in a way which I found pleasant, although unusual.
She told me about life opportunities, about her two degrees (I have none). The she switched to a fast and endless flow of narrative of how she (allegedly) went to a very small and poor village where all men were just sitting and drinking all day. When they saw her, they were in an awe of how educated she was. Then progressed by switching to "you" meaning sometimes myself and sometimes everyone. Thus, she would say "when you have no job, can't do anything except one thing, you are lost, wasting time just sitting and doing nothing".
Then, she got back to the awe they all felt for her and while looking me deep in the eyes, she quoted them asking "what degrees do you have? what is your job" - and touched me on my arm.

I noticed that I felt abused. I did not want to interrupt her just to see things done as in the funeral scene in Godfather. I find it deeply disappointing that rather than help me, she was trying to increase her advantage over me and get me to feel hopeless.

This is not help, is it?, even if what followed was a "solution": "Now imagine you have several hundred pounds and there are so many things you can do, you can take so many courses..."
I find double meaning here. One would expect professional courses, but she belongs to a religious groups which organises lots of religious gatherings, which are referred to as "courses".

Is there any hope for such a relationship? My reasoning is that even if what she did did not make me hurt - probably because I spotted the con - but the very attempt to do that takes a peculiar attitude.

If I tell her I know, she may simply change her strategy to find another loophole. I guess I should just let her go.

What do you think?

[Argonautomobile]

Your friend is a ****. Sorry you were subjected to that.

[unaluna]

From what you have said here, she does not sound like a friend.

[Shazerac]

Doesn't sound like a friend to me. Sounds like a person preying on your joblessness to con you into taking those "courses".

[Out There]

This is not a friend. I just had to walk away from a 26 year friendship that became something similar. If interaction with these people is making you feel this way it's not right or working.

[brillskep]

Sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds uncomfortable, unhelpful, and actually toxic. But I think it's a very good sign that you were so aware of your reactions and what was happening there. You may not have a degree or much money right now, but you have other resources, like your intelligence and understanding of relationships, and I'm sure many others.

Personally I would not befriend such a person or, if we did keep in touch, I would not trust her with my feelings, issues, etc. Definitely not ask her for help when I feel down again. But the choice is yours since this is a situation in your life, and if you look at your options you can choose what feels best for you at this point.

[AllHeart]

Sounds like her over-sized ego has gotten in the way of being an effective friend and coach. She doesn't come off as being authentic. It's like she is the type to want to "cure people" with her so-called expertise only because she can then parade around and tell people how incredibly awesome she is. It's not because she genuinely cared about helping that person into well-being.

You ask if there is hope for such a relationship. What kind of relationship is it that you are wanting as your first line indicates that you were already friends. A deeper friendship or a therapeutic relationship? Was anything discussed at the end of the night about getting together as coach/client or friend in the near future?

Thank you everyone. She is my partner's close friend, so I am not going to be able to avoid her completely. I have already made my partner aware of what happened.

Indeed, my question was not clear. What I meant was, a one-off attempt of this kind is sufficient to tell there is no hope for acquaintance even, except very superficial and possibly remote, isn't that right?
As for counselling or something similar, what I asked was if there is such an approach in any legitimate school of therapy. Not that I would want that woman to "help" me anymore, but I am just trying to find out if this could have been a failed attempt to help me, or - given the number of red flags - it clearly was an attempt to mess with me and make me adhere to the religious movement.

There is another aspect of all that.
I have already taken a lot of effort to make my life free of such drains. I have gone to therapy, taken one-on-one training in spotting such stuff, I tend to leave places where the level of destructiveness gets out of hand. What I have managed to do is to have a lasting, wonderful, pure, nurturing relationship with my partner, whereas, what I see around is that most people I come across are in terrible, sadomasochistic interdependancy.

It could be more intense now because I have changed the country and restarting professionally, but even before, it was happening way to often.

Could it be that I am attracting predators? That would contrast with the fact that most people consider me strong, self-confident and relaxed.

[stopdog]

Is this about therapists or therapy? Is the person a therapist?

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by r2d45

Thank you everyone. She is my partner's close friend, so I am not going to be able to avoid her completely. I have already made my partner aware of what happened.

Indeed, my question was not clear. What I meant was, a one-off attempt of this kind is sufficient to tell there is no hope for acquaintance even, except very superficial and possibly remote, isn't that right?
As for counselling or something similar, what I asked was if there is such an approach in any legitimate school of therapy. Not that I would want that woman to "help" me anymore, but I am just trying to find out if this could have been a failed attempt to help me, or - given the number of red flags - it clearly was an attempt to mess with me and make me adhere to the religious movement.

There is another aspect of all that.
I have already taken a lot of effort to make my life free of such drains. I have gone to therapy, taken one-on-one training in spotting such stuff, I tend to leave places where the level of destructiveness gets out of hand. What I have managed to do is to have a lasting, wonderful, pure, nurturing relationship with my partner, whereas, what I see around is that most people I come across are in terrible, sadomasochistic interdependancy.

It could be more intense now because I have changed the country and restarting professionally, but even before, it was happening way to often.

Could it be that I am attracting predators? That would contrast with the fact that most people consider me strong, self-confident and relaxed.

Thanks for the clarification. Maybe she was just trying to get to know you a little more due to the connection with your partner and the two of you just had a personality clash or something. There is no such approach of offering unsolicited help to someone at a party after having a few drinks in any legitimate therapy school that I know of.

This is your partner's close friend so your partner would probably know if it is common for this person to try to mess with people's heads or recruit them into her religious movements. Did your partner indicate that this was typical behavior for this person? Would your partner hang out with a predator? Unless this person has been hounding or harassing you about her religion or coaching since this run it, I wouldn't worry about it. You didn't enjoy this persons company and you don't have to put yourself in the position of being with her one-on-one again.

My partner knows her to be vicious, spread malicious rumours and do other unethical things.
Upon reflection, I think this is down to me and my partner being not always efficient in ridding ourselves from people who try to mess with us.
Since both women belong to a religious organisation, they are going to keep in touch, however, we have already agreed that I am going to keep distance from those.

[Luce]

Trust your gut feeling.

[growlycat]

There are cults out there that offer "courses" for so called self improvement or enlightenment. Be very very careful. They prey on people and recruiting is conducted with very emotional pitches. This woman is trying to make you feel bad and to possibly get you to take these "courses". Whether it is Scientology or EST based cults (by names like life spring etc) it is a trap. Run. She doesn't care about you or anyone. She is misguided at best