[fosterthehuman]

my bf and i have been together for over 1 year now. during the first four months, i ended up breaking up with him
tw: abuse





because he became emotionally abusive, he would tell me what to wear and say i dress like a man when i would wear my lazy clothes. he would call me names all the time. i would get called an idiot when i made mistakes. i started yelling back at him and l would get angry with him. i'ved called him names too. i'ved told him that he doesn't deserve o have a gf, i'ved called him an asshole, dumbass, ****. i said that stuff cause he was calling me names so i just said mean stuff back, i know it wasn't right. i should have just said nothing during those situations.

Possible trigger:

the abuse has gotten more physical recently and violent.

but i feel like it's my fault cause when i got back with him we both agreed that we rushed into things and that maybe if we give each other more space, things would be better. also, at that time i had my own apartment but i would always stay at his place cause we would always hangout. but even when we got back together, i just felt more comfortable staying at his apartment with him.

eventually we would have arguments and then he would yell at me and tell me to stay at my apartment for night asap. he would try to make me feel bad and make it seem like a punishment so in my mind i would try to do anything to get away from staying at my apartment.

i'ved brought it up to him and he's apologized and said that he's just angry and just needs space and doesn't always want to be around me every single minute of the day. which i understand, it just seemed like i was being punished.

but i started getting more depressed, i made a stupid decision to quit my job cause i felt like i would just freak out in the middle of it or something. i was always crying and sobbing, and my social anxiety was so bad at that point i just din't want to engage with others. so i also lost any friend that i had talked too. i ended up taking out a a personal loan just so i could afford stuff. i told my bf and he was really mad and disappointed.

i told him that i can find another job and rn i'm selling old stuff that i have for money and diy stuff. i also told my mom and she offered me to stay at her place (she also knows about the abuse). i said sure and we were going to plan it and everything. i told my bf that i was going stay with her for a few weeks or months just to get my life put together. he felt really sad and started arguments with me and the abuse got worse cause he said he was sad that i was leaving him, but i told him i wasn't leaving for good. also he once told me that if i told ppl about the hitting that he would hurt me and my family.

so on the day that my mom is supposed to move me into her place, i tell her that i want to change my mind even though it's last minute. i only told her that it was cause i wanted to go to school out here and get another job. we were talking on the phone about this and she was upset but said that she would call me a little later about it. she said she wanted to meet with me at 11am and i said that i wouldn't be ready by then and if we could meet at a later time. she asked me where i was and i was at my bf's place and she said that she would just show up over there with my dad. i told her not to cause there was family of his over and i wasn't ready. but an hour later, my parents showed up anyway. and then they came into his room where i was. i was like why are you here? and they were like why didn't you call us? my mom started yelling at me to get ready and i said that i would but i asked if they could go wait in their car. my bf's mom heard them yelling and told them that she was leaving soon but she doesn't feel comfortable with them in her son's room.

my mom kept yelling at me to get ready and i said just wait in the car while i do, but she kept refusing. so i didn't have time to use the toilet, put on my makeup, take a shower or anything except brush my teeth.

at first i asked my mom if she could apologize for being rude to me, but she said, "no cause this was on you. you should have contacted us sooner. we took a plane all the way out here to pick you up and you're not even ready."

but i had most of my stuff packed cause i wasn't bringing everything with me. i get that she was mad that i changed my mind last minute but i though that i would have a chance to talk to her first. i felt mortified by the entire experience.

she gave my bf's mom an apology though and said sorry for coming there uninvited. now i feel so embarrassed about everything cause i also apologized to his mom about how they acted. his mom replied and looked upset and said "i just don't understand cause they didn't even introduce themselves." and i said "that's not my fault" then i walked put the door and closed it. she opened it and yelled "don't salm my door in my face" then slammed the door. and then i yelled that i'm coming back inside, cause she locked it. it was really embarrassing cause her daughter and her husband and sons were there and idk if they know what's going on.

i later told her that i didn't slam the door, and if i did, i didn't mean to." but i had an attitude when i said it to her and so i feel really bad now. this isn't the first time i've gotten in an argument with her though.

so now my lease for my own apartment is pretty much up and during the past few weeks, my bf has been helping me move stuff. also he's been giving me food, and letting me keep stuff at his place while i find a new place until i downsize and i've been living there. but he's upset about it and i know that he isn't getting enough space. he's told me that he doesn't want all of my stuff taking up space in his room and i said that it's only temporary.

also, we both angreed to just not label our relationship and just do whatever for now but idk if this means if i can be with other people.

i know i need help as well, but because of this stuff that has been happening, i feel embarrassed and feel like the abuse is somewhat my fault and that i'm provoking it by not leaving.

idk, if anyone has any advice that would be nice. i feel really upset and confused by this

[healingme4me]

Was the door slam and argument with your mom or the mother of your bf?

I am a believer that once a relationship turns physical, it creates a pattern that is difficult to escape.

Are you currently working with a therapist? It's an important step in recovering from domestic violence.

[fosterthehuman]

the door slam part was with my bf's mom. my mom was yelling at me

[fosterthehuman]

no, i'm not seeing a therapist. i keep putting it off cause i'm scared someone's going to say thatthat a bunch of it was my fault. but ik i should see one though. i can keep looking

[healingme4me]

That worry of talking about it and being told it is your fault is a symptom of a potentially abusive relationship. They wear you down until you react and by virtue of having any type of emotional reaction gives something to be held over your head. If that makes sense?

Reaching out in a group like this, is reaching out. Therapeutic processes come in a variety of ways. Contacting places that offer women's only support is another venue. Therapists can take time to gain access to, sometimes, depending on openings/availability/insurance.

I don't like the idea of his mom slamming a door on you.

[Bill3]

(((((fosterthehuman)))))

Abuse is never the fault of the recipient of the abuse.

It is not your fault that he abuses you physically.

It is not your fault that he abuses you emotionally.

He needs to learn to control himself when he is upset.

What do you like about him?

(((((fosterthehuman)))))

[toolman65]

the only thing worse than being in your situation for a year, is to be in it for a year and a day.

stop being hung up on whose fault it is....this isn't judge judy.

move on with your life. it is the only way you will find someone better

[Shazerac]

Abuse whether verbal or physical is WRONG! This is not your fault. The question you need to ask yourself is ..what is it about you that you are willing to stay with an abusive man??? He does not deserve a minute of your time, so what if you hurt his feelings?

GET OUT NOW before is violence escalates to putting you on the hospital or in a coffin.

[fosterthehuman]

i guess i'm aware that the abuse isn't my fault. but i know that i caused a lot of drama in this relationship which led to all the arguments. like, one time my mom called the cops caused i called her and told her that he pushed and shook me. and then i feel stupid now cause my mom yelled at me in front of his family and told me how irresponsible i was for not always picking up the phone when she calls. if it weren't for my wrongdoings, neither of those evenrs would have happened. and i feel awful cause it inconveniences him and his family.

also, if i were better with my money and stayed at my own old apartment instead of always being at his place, that would have prevented a lot of arguments and the physical abuse. cause he mentioned to me many times that i could stay at my apartment to give him space for a night. but i could have given him more space.

now, i know i should leave the relationship cause i'm aware tha the abuse isn't going to stop. its just extremely difficult to cut ties because he was my first serious relationship, still my best friend, and currently my only friend.

also, i just don't know how to move on from the stuff that happened to me. it just feels confusing and kind of like no one really cares and i'm the only one still harping about it.

[fosterthehuman]

also, i'm aware that i could have handled myself better in arguments with him. i would yell and scream back at him at times, which led to me screaming at his mom once and calling her a name. she yelled mean stuff too, but i just regret my behavior.

i'm super ashamed cause i definitely could have treated this situation differently, but instead i stopped talking to my therapist and got my mom involved

[healingme4me]

I very much appreciate the feeling of dancing the dance of dysfunction in a relationship. Keep in mind there is often something missing in learning modeling of more healthy relations from the get go.

Learning to accept and forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you feel you have made is critical in moving forward and becoming your own hero.

You mention your mom upset about not answering calls. As a survivor, myself, I cannot begin to account for similarities in story sharing where there has been a piece of our origin that wasn't whole. Doesn't mean our origins were entirely at root, but there's a link that factors in, a common denominator. Corner a person long enough, they will lash out. Depression and anxiety are commom. Those also factor into reaction. Self depreciating is common.

You are not alone. And you raise the value you place on back to therapy through mentioning. No need to be so hard on yourself. It's an unfortunate current situation. Growth is possible and most likely inevitable. Be your own hero. Hang in there.