[AdHominem]

Hi, I'm a new member here and I would like to share an issue that is troubling me. As a background, I'm a social phobic person, but I have improved in this. I'm now 38, and I'm single.
Anyway, I'm a mature student, doing a degree, and about a year ago I met woman on the same course as me, and we started meeting regularly and studying together. She is 35 and married, however I've rather foolishly fallen for her. I don't intend on making a move, or telling her how I feel because I know that isn't right, so I'm left in an unrequited love scenario.
I struggle being myself with many people, but with her, it's just so easy for me to be connect. She is very open, empathic, fun and likeable, and I'm extremely attracted to her. She is also somewhat naive and perhaps even gullible, which is part of her charm, but I think it makes her easily taken advantage of.
Well, we became good friends, and in the summer she found out that her husband had been having an affair for the past 2.5 years, and she told me. He arranged for the other woman to live in their house as an au-pair for them and look after their 2 year old. So his plan was to have an affair in the same house as his wife and child. She found out, but the other woman moved in anyway, and stayed for six weeks. Insane situation and it left her utterly distraught. Clearly, she was crushed, but she has never had any other outlook than to stick with him and work through everything. He also lied about most of life. He claimed to be a model, which has turned out to be untrue. Trips away were spent with the other woman. He was however secretly working as a male escort, which some may consider worse than the cheating. I know he has done other things that even worse that I've not been told about, but are apparently "twice as bad" as all the stuff I've said.
Now, for the past few months, she's been very depressed, trying to deal with what has happened. She would have dropped out of the degree for sure, but I've been dragging her through it and teaching her everything myself.
I've took the approach not telling her what to do, but saying she has to make her own decisions, and what she wants is to stay with him. She obviously thinks he is an amazing, wonderful guy, but I don't know how all that can fit with what he has done. To meet him, he seems like the most friendly, caring, nice sensitive guy. To me, that must be an act and he has some personality disorder, but I feel like I'm the only one who sees it. Or, am I wrong? Could this guy actually be great, but he's just made some (extremely callous) mistakes, and really he's a misunderstood soul who is ready to change?
I don't know, but it cuts me up to see them together. I hate to see her fawning over him. To my mind, he'll doing something else just as bad in the future, and who knows what else he has done anyway. Obviously I have feelings for her, so my judgement on him is bias, however everything I've said is fair and accurate. I'm just not sure what to do about it. Not sure how to act around him. I know I want her in my life, but its painful for me to see her hurt and also to have unrequited feelings.
That's my story. I've tried to be as objective as possible about it, and in reality it's probably worse that it sounds. Anyway I'd be very interested to hear anything at all about what you think. Thanks for reading.

[Skeezyks]

Hello AdHominem: I'm sorry I cannot comment with regard to the situation you describe. Hopefully some other members, here on PC, will feel able to do so. However I see this is your first post. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[Bill3]

I know I want her in my life, but its painful for me to see her hurt and also to have unrequited feelings.

To what extent is she aware of your feelings for her?

What is your goal in having her in your life under these circumstances?

[AdHominem]

Originally Posted by Bill3

To what extent is she aware of your feelings for her?

What is your goal in having her in your life under these circumstances?

I don't think she is aware at all of my feelings for her. I've not said anything or hinted at it, but of course, she may suspect.

I don't know if I have a goal. I've just been going along, and seeing if I can cope with it all. It helped a lot to type that all out actually, because I've not spoken about it before.

I know it's unlikely I'd ever actually be with her, and it's an unrealistic, and unfair goal, given that she is married.
But, I care about her. If I stopped seeing her, it would be bad for her, because I help her a lot. And I like spending time with her.
I have no idea what will happen in 12 months time. How can I possibly think her husband is a decent guy?

[Talthybius]

I see a lot of parallels your story and what happened to me last year.

Basically she is married, and that is the end of that. Certain details inside her marriage don't really matter, until they break up.

As for your relation to her, I see how you can help each other study (though it comes down to you helping her). But I wonder about how you know so much about her marriage. Now maybe I am a very private person, but to me, just studying together doesn't mean you naturally talk about these things. It seems she needs you for more than just academic support. And if she vents her frustrations about her husband at you, all I have been told that is not a very good position for romance to develop.
Furthermore, in my confusing interactions I have come to the conclusion that women are not very naive, it does seem she is either naive, or using you.

You are helping her.
She needs you for emotional support.
She knows you like her (just a postulate)
.
What does she offer you in return? I mean, I know it doesn't work that way, but she must have some ideas about the nature of her relationship with you.

I guess all you can do is help her, feel good about that, and when you see each other for the last time, tell her you like her/are romantically interested, and that she can contact you if she ever becomes single. Something like that.

Is the fact that she complains to you about her husband (assumption based on how much you actually know about it) a good sign for her romantic interest in you? I guess not.

You can tell her that you do not want to hear her talk about her husband. And that will either cause her to be confused or to understand immediately the why to it. But maybe that's not the best way for her to learn about your feelings.

[divine1966]

So mistress was allowed to move in even though his wife knew she is a mistress? And he is male escort? Is this woman makes stuff up and makes fun of you?

[AdHominem]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

I see a lot of parallels your story and what happened to me last year.

Basically she is married, and that is the end of that. Certain details inside her marriage don't really matter, until they break up.

As for your relation to her, I see how you can help each other study (though it comes down to you helping her). But I wonder about how you know so much about her marriage. Now maybe I am a very private person, but to me, just studying together doesn't mean you naturally talk about these things. It seems she needs you for more than just academic support. And if she vents her frustrations about her husband at you, all I have been told that is not a very good position for romance to develop.
Furthermore, in my confusing interactions I have come to the conclusion that women are not very naive, it does seem she is either naive, or using you.

You are helping her.
She needs you for emotional support.
She knows you like her (just a postulate)
.
What does she offer you in return? I mean, I know it doesn't work that way, but she must have some ideas about the nature of her relationship with you.

I guess all you can do is help her, feel good about that, and when you see each other for the last time, tell her you like her/are romantically interested, and that she can contact you if she ever becomes single. Something like that.

Is the fact that she complains to you about her husband (assumption based on how much you actually know about it) a good sign for her romantic interest in you? I guess not.

You can tell her that you do not want to hear her talk about her husband. And that will either cause her to be confused or to understand immediately the why to it. But maybe that's not the best way for her to learn about your feelings.

Hi, thanks for your reply!

We became pretty close, she is a really open and honest person, and she told me about her husband because we connected as friends, beyond just studying.

I know it looks like she is using me, but all I can see is, she really is very naive. She believes everything anyone says, which is how her husband got away with years of lies. She's very rare in how honest, sincere and caring she is. She is concious that I do a lot for her, and she won't ask for help out of not wanting to burden me

She doesn't complain to me about him, but she talks about how she feels. She wants to forget the whole thing happened and believe that he is amazing guy. I think she blames herself, and she has been working much harder to keep him, rather than the other way round.

I think that's a big reason I feel so bad. He has caused so much huge problems, but she makes such an effort around him and praises him for any minor effort. I'm the one that has worked really hard to get her through.
I know she appreciates me, and she tells me that, but I think she sees it's not maybe appropriate to be giving another guy all the positive attention when she's trying to save her marriage.

[AdHominem]

Originally Posted by divine1966

So mistress was allowed to move in even though his wife knew she is a mistress? And he is male escort? Is this woman makes stuff up and makes fun of you?

I know, It sounds too insane to be true, but it is! I saw it myself. He's stopped the male escort thing now, but that's also true. He's done something else that's "twice as bad" as all that, but I don't know what it is.

It's astonishing that the mistress moved in. I can't get my head round it either. She was just too devestated to think straight.