[Mapper]

H said to me a couple of weeks ago that we should go out for Thanksgiving this year because there's always way too much food for just us and the cleanup on is monumental. I thought that would be great. Last night he says "Well I still haven't made reservations. Maybe we'll just stay home and get a small breast because I don't want to spend the money". Okay fine, once again you tell me something, get my hopes up, and it doesn't happen. Then he just emailed me and said "Just ordered the turkey 11-12 lbs.(not a "small breast") and I invited John (his coworker) and his daughter (18 year-old somewhat mentally challenged) over for Thanksgiving as well". These are the same two he had come over for the 4th of July without discussing with me first and it was awkward. I REALLY hate that! I have nothing to say to either of them, nothing in common, it's kind of uncomfortable because I don't really want to be alone with either one of them, but he continually invites people over without talking to me first. Oh and then about 5 minutes after he sent me that email he emails me "Yeah, I know not my first choice but he's a good guy and it's Thanksgiving". So WHY did you invite them at all and then tell me "not my first choice"? And you seem to be his only buddy, but H comes home and complains about the guy half the time anyways and doesn't go out of his way to spend time with him.

I would NEVER invite someone over without discussing it with him first. I get it, it's Thanksgiving, but when I barely know them and he doesn't really WANT to spend a lot of time with him, why does he invite them?!

[Yzen]

He should have asked you before inviting them in my opinion. You are a team and how you spend a holiday is something to decide together. Maybe John talked him into it and he wasn't willing to be firm and say no.

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by Yzen

He should have asked you before inviting them in my opinion. You are a team and how you spend a holiday is something to decide together. Maybe John talked him into it and he wasn't willing to be firm and say no.

I highly doubt John asked him. My husband is the type who never THINKS before he acts. He'll just randomly ask people to come over and then later go "Yeah, I don't know why I did that". Last year he had been working at his new job for only about 2 weeks when he came home and announced to me that he asked his coworker (a different one than the one he asked today) and his girlfriend to come over for Thanksgiving. Thankfully they didn't show. Fast forward a year and my husband now can't stand this guy!

[hvert]

I would be super annoyed, too. Have you suggested that he take over the cooking and prep this year? I'm impressed that he ordered the turkey, I must admit. Is it too late to cancel the turkey (or save it for Xmas) and go out to eat like you had originally discussed?

Why *does* he invite them? Does he feel sorry for them or something?

I am also having Thanksgiving issues. My mother always gets passive aggressive about the holiday. We've all told her that if she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't have to - we can go to a restaurant. That's not good enough. She wanted me to host. I told her no and suggested we make reservations. We can't do that because so and so can't come until late. Long story short, I somehow got roped into helping prepare a pot luck meal. Nice how I'm on the hook but none of the males in the family are???

It would annoy me also, but isn't it possible that the friend and his daughter would be alone? If he's a co-worker, maybe he and and your husband talked and your husband felt a little sorry for him?

I also read your other thread about your husband cancelling things...it sounded an awful lot like me (I have depression)...I think I would like to do things and I hope I can do them....but then I can't

Perhaps he has trouble communicating with you? It was difficult to tell my husband...I imagine it's worse when a man has to admit to a woman that he might be having trouble.

Honestly...he sounds like a decent guy who might need some help.

Just my opinion and view based on what I have read.

[fairydustgirl]

My ex used to do similar things ALL THE TIME...he's just very sociable and impulsive. We did finally get to an understanding that he couldn't just invite 4 people over for hamburgers on sunday and not tell me until Sat afternoon when I had NO time to even shop for the food...this was back when I lived in Germany years ago, it was a 45 min trip to the commissary in a different town that was only open 5 days a week and I only shopped for enough food for the two of us at a time. so I would tell him...we have no hamburger meat, we have no buns, we have no toppings..what am I supposed to feed your friends?
now he did this one christmas when his mom first came to live with us, he invited all of his brothers and families to our house without telling me...I was already an anxious depressed mess at that point, I told him there was NO way I was cooking for 14 people. we went to golden corral instead, everyone ate all they could hold and everyone was happy.

We did however, host single soldiers for dinners over the holidays when we were overseas, I never minded that but it was also something we decided on together and he picked the guests.

I agree...maybe a sit down and have a discussion about making the decision to host guests a JOINT decision?

This is plainly unfair to you. How dare he.

My father would do just this sort of thing to my mother all the time. He would also give away books and objects whenever someone expressed an interest in them. Oh my poor mother.

Does your husband have other issues regarding spontenaity?

[ElizaD]

I agree that he was out of line. Does he make impulsive buys? Or is he just sympathetic to the other man and his daughter? Did he grow up in a household who had A bunch of relatives coming for Thanksgiving dinner? I take it neither of your families live close enough to join you for the holiday.

You definitely need to sit down with him and talk to him seriously about inviting people over, and discussing it with you first.

[Mapper]

He is always spontaneous! He HATES sitting down and making plans as he has no patience for it. He spends money he doesn't have and doesn't think twice about it. He kept saying that we need to sit down and go over our bills and make a budget, but when I tried to do that with him he sat down on the couch with me, and looked at the bills online for about 5 minutes before totally losing interest and flipping on the tv. His idea of talking about the bills and budgeting is saying "Well we just need to watch what we are spending on stuff and not spend it on any excess like dinners". Oh but then the next day, that all goes out the window!

Like for the longest time he was looking forward to seeing the Dr. Strange movie. It came out last weekend and Friday night he kept saying how he needs to look up what time it's playing on Sunday. Sunday came and he then had no desire to go and says we'll go Monday night because there will be less people. Monday night I get home and he goes "We aren't going to go see the movie because we need to save some money". It's $20 total for both of us, I think we can handle that, but no. And then yesterday, 2 days after he said we couldn't go to the movie because we need to save money, he shoots me an email from work saying we should meet up at the bar down the street from my work for some drinks. Ooookaaaay! We have plenty of liquor and food at home, but he wants to go out. We ended up spending about $60 there last night! Tell me where his logic is??!!

Then he tells me last night as well that he invited yet more people to come over for Thanksgiving (another coworker, his girlfriend and her 4 yr old daughter). Are you f'n kidding me??!! So now we are having 5 guests over all without speaking with me about it? He said they may have other plans so my guess is they won't come. We don't have ROOM for 5 other people in our house! It's only 1000 sq ft!

Why don't you exercise your right to cancel?

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand it's frustrating for you.. but you really need to talk with him about this. Explain him what do you honestly think of his behavior and why does it make you upset. It's important for both of you.

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I understand it's frustrating for you.. but you really need to talk with him about this. Explain him what do you honestly think of his behavior and why does it make you upset. It's important for both of you.

I already know what the outcome of that situation will be. I'll tell him that I would like for him to run it by me first before asking and he'll get immediately defensive "What's the big deal? It's just those 2 and it's Thanksgiving! Just relax. They're nice and it's just for a few hours." Guarantee that will be his answer, as it has been before when I get upset about it. He turns it on me and makes me feel bad that I can't just have these people over for a few hours in the spirit of Thanksgiving.

[hvert]

Are stores open on Thanksgiving in your state? I think I'd rather be out of the house that day. Do you have a friend you could go to a restaurant with since he doesn't want to?

[Mapper]

So now, a week later, not are we only having those two over, but he has now invited 4 other people...all without a word to me until after he invited them!!! Another coworker and girlfriend that he told me he asked earlier but he said they were probably doing something else but when she came into his work last weekend he convinced them to come. Then last night as an aside he told me that he invited another coworker, who I have never met, and his uncle over. This guy is 22 and his uncle is only a year or two older. So we are having 4 early to mid 20s people over, when we are in our mid to late 40s and then a guy who's our age and his mentally handicapped teenage daughter! Well doesn't that sound like the best Thanksgiving ever! Most likely all the 20 something's just want to get drunk. Oh and he tells me, not asks me, "you're going to make the green bean casserole". Well if I said no he'd throw a fit about "Jeez what's the big deal?"

I wonder what he would think if I told him tomorrow that I invited over half my dept from work on Saturday night and that I'm going to need him to help me entertain them when all he wants to do is sit around and play his video game?! And then say "You're cool with that, right?" as he always assumes I am when he does stuff like that!

[Talthybius]

They are random coworkers. You don't only have something against your husband, but also against those people. Based on age? Or does your husband's employer in general employ people less likable than the average person?

There is some narcism going on here. Why take out your and your husband's inability to communicate out on people, just because they are in their 20's or mentally handicapped?

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

They are random coworkers. You don't only have something against your husband, but also against those people. Based on age? Or does your husband's employer in general employ people less likable than the average person?

There is some narcism going on here. Why take out your and your husband's inability to communicate out on people, just because they are in their 20's or mentally handicapped?

They are 20 years younger than us and we have nothing in common. And my husband even said about the older guy he invited "Not my first choice, but it's Thanksgiving". He's just willy-nilly inviting people, which annoys the hell out of me!

[seesaw]

Dude, just stand up for yourself and say you're not cooking for them.

This would not go over well with me. I would insist my husband cancel if it meant that much to me and get a hotel for the day with room service if he invited them anyways. Seriously, put your foot down and say "it doesn't work like this". As long as your husband isn't developmentally delayed he should understand.

Originally Posted by seesaw

Dude, just stand up for yourself and say you're not cooking for them.

I agree with this.
Let your husband know that if he can invite these people over without asking you first, he can cook for them too.

I think your husband seems to have good intentions, but he should have consulted with you first.

[fairydustgirl]

I'm 53 and I have several friends in their early mid 20s, we get along great. and no they don't want to sit around and drink or what not. they are nice responsible young people with spouses and children and dogs.
the issue is your husband inviting people left and right without calling and asking if you are ok with it. and you aren't, so you need to make that clear. and if he says what's the big deal then you need to spell it out to him what it is. thanksgiving food is expensive, it's time consuming and you were not prepared to entertain.
since the invitations have been given and accepted, now you can decide what you want to do. If it were me? I'd have it catered, honey baked ham compay and boston market restaurant cater, some grocery stores do also...you might have to pick it up but it's all in disposables, heck send leftovers home with everyone if you don't want it in the house.
Or go somewhere like golden corral, that's what I did when my ex invited all of his brothers/spouses/children to the house for christmas with out asking...no way was I cooking for 14 people in the state of anxiety I was in just in dealing with his very ill mother for the 2 months prior.
do what ever is the easiest for you, if it costs your husband some money, perhaps he will think twice the next time.

(or worst come to worst, you can make it potluck, call everyone on the list and tell them what you want them to bring)

[12AM]

Originally Posted by Mapper

This guy is 22 and his uncle is only a year or two older. So we are having 4 early to mid 20s people over, when we are in our mid to late 40s and then a guy who's our age and his mentally handicapped teenage daughter! Well doesn't that sound like the best Thanksgiving ever! Most likely all the 20 something's just want to get drunk.

20 something's just want to get drunk sounds like a generalization to me. And mentally handicapped is a reason why you don't like someone? I am asking this because you included that fact in your posts. You also said in other thread that your husband stepdaughter has anxiety issue and she is doing nothing.

Just a gentle reminder please be careful with your words as this is a support site for people with mental illness including anxiety. I understand your frustation with your husband, I am glad that you find a place to vent here but please remember many type of people with their own issues might read your thread.

As for your husband, could it be that he has depression or other issue? Have you suggested him to talk to a therapist? How about marriage counselor? I am sorry you are in this situation

[divine1966]

My daughter and both nephews are in their 20s. Most certainly they do more at holiday events than get drunk. I am a special ed teacher and would hate to think that my students aren't welcomed at dinners because of their challenges. I do understand you being upset he invites people over but your reasoning seems off. I understand not wanting to cook or not having big enough dining room but the I don't get how age or mental capacity of your guests make any difference

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by divine1966

My daughter and both nephews are in their 20s. Most certainly they do more at holiday events than get drunk. I am a special ed teacher and would hate to think that my students aren't welcomed at dinners because of their challenges. I do understand you being upset he invites people over but your reasoning seems off. I understand not wanting to cook or not having big enough dining room but the I don't get how age or mental capacity of your guests make any difference

Well I don't want a bunch of 20-somethings over as much as I don't want to have a bunch of 80-somethings over. I want to have people from my decade at least so that we have things in common. Family is one thing, but these are just coworkers of my husband and half of them I've never met.

We all have our preferences I guess. I enjoy the companies of infants to the elderly....it depends on the person more than the age. (((Hugs))))

Well, it is done now. Maybe you could try to make it fun? Have everyone bring something or invite them early and give them a jobs to do....make it an event rather than a meal.

Try to have a laugh and enjoy yourself.