How to "let things go"?

I agree that we can agree to disagree.

I would just like people to be aware, though, that competent sex therapists actually are regular therapists who also know a great deal about sexuality and sexual dysfunctions. This means that a competent sex therapist will be aware of the concerns being raised here by divine and artchic and others and will address them.

You are smarter deep down inside than you realize. He hasn't changed. That smart part of you knows that and is incapable of responding to him as if he really had.

You don't mention children, and I'm thinking maybe you are lucky enough to not have that consideration to weigh in all of this. If that is the case, then get out of this marriage. He will cheat on you again. He is not committed to you in the way that you want him to be. He's not capable of that kind of commitment.

You can have passionate, satisfying love again. But not with him. You don't trust him, and you never will again. You're just not that stupid. That's what your body is telling you.

This husband of yours is a playboy. He always will be. As you get older, his need for younger women will just get more intense. He probably can't help being this way. No amount of therapy can fix this.

Poor woman is pregnant

I'm sorry. I hadn't noticed the thread had multiple pages. I see there is a baby on the way. Unfortunately, that isn't going to change much. You're not in need of fixing you. You are not messing up. You got into a bad marriage with a guy who is not marriage material.

I'm so sorry.

I like your comment that op doesn't need fixing.

.

I understand your point.i just think it might send op a confusing message that she needs fixing. Rather than the fact she is married to a liar

I was married for over 10 years. I've always worked and brought in more money than my husband. Although he was 7 years older than me, I had a professional background that he did not. I agreed to fund him getting a degree, which he did. And my dad gave him his first professional job as IT Manager. We both had great jobs etc., and I thought things were going very well.

One day my husband came home early, saying that his workplace had suspended his employment as he was under investigation. According to my husband, they'd sent him home for no reason. I was outraged, and started calling lawyers on his behalf. But whilst on the phone, I couldn't help but notice that he was grabbing files and computers and shoving them in the boot of his car.

Prior to this incident, I'd discovered that he had an online profile advertising himself on an adult swingers site. I was dealing with that, when this came up.

My ex never explained what was going on. He continued to blame his employer. It took his lawyer to eventually tell me what he'd done. He'd stolen 1.5 million from his workplace - and him, me, (we, us as a family - just had a baby) , were ruined.

I was stunned. We both had high paying jobs. And in addition, we had an 18 month old.

Anyway, long story short, he went to jail for almost 4 years.

Before he was even arrested, I remember the moment when we were sitting together and he was telling me yet another version of 'why' and 'who' etc. I realised that I had no idea whether he was telling me the truth or not. And from that point on I could never rely on him. That's when I knew I couldn't be with him and the marriage was over.

It all boils down to honesty. Demand honesty. A skilled liar will always throw the blame back on you. If you accept that behaviour; if you have no standards or self-esteem, you will always have a liar in your life.

SQ

Thanks everyone for the input.. I really appreciate the concern, specially those who want to assure me that I don't need fixing.. I guess I may have used the wrong term when I said "fix" coz it made it look like I'm blaming myself.. Definitely my husband is a chronic liar.. He lies to everyone, even his parents and friends.. Often about trivial things like having a lot of money or having just bought a new condo or having gone on vacation somewhere really nice.. I've gotten used to him being like that and I guess I accepted it as a part of him.. When he came back after the other girl dumped him, I was 100% on convinced that he should do everything to prove his loyalty and honesty.. That fixin things is his responsibility.. And he's done everything I asked.. He let me install an app that emails me all his incoming and outgoing texts/calls.. He sends me photos of where he is whenever i ask.. He gave me free access to his emails and social media accounts.. He cancels any plans of going out if I say so.. When he's at work and I tell him I'm hungry, he'd be home in less than 30 mins with food in tow.. When he's out with friends I can tell him to come home any time and he will immediately pack up and head home.. Girls have been sending him messages, those he used to fool around with, and he doesn't delete them and he never replies..not even a thumbs up.. He's done all these things without showing any sign of resentment.. I can't think of anything else he can do to make me happy again.. I'm afraid to think that maybe I have just fallen out of love with him.. After all those years of putting up with his lying and cheating, he's finally treating me better so I really don't want to let that go to waste..

I'll try to consult with a therapist if there is something that either of us can do.. Again thanks everyone..

Sometimes it's just too late

Do see a therapist, it might help you regardless

Good luck

What I see:

In everything that you are saying it's as though you are giving your husband a pass here and you're taking on the guilt as if your not trusting him and having lost something by way of love for him is on you and not him. As if you are responsible for the fact that you can't let go of something and that you're in the wrong here.

I have a different take on this. You are doing and feeling what is natural for most people that are betrayed severely. Not only had he cheated on you previously, you have made it clear he is a repeat offender. This 21 yr old girl was not the only event that caused you to lose trust in him and now find it hard to be aroused by him. He did this. You have given him many chances and even now are giving him another and he clearly takes it for granted.

I will be honest, his arrogance in telling you to "just let it go" makes me angry for you to no end. That he thinks he can just say "it's over, let's move on" after having betrayed you so many times is just either complete arrogance or stupidity or both on his end.

In abuse, domestic violence relationships there is a cycle and although cheating may not be considered domestic violence by some, the cycle, I believe is the same. Where the husband, wife or other SO gets caught and goes through a period of what is called the honeymoon period. They are being "all good" to their spouse or mate for a time. That is, until they feel they've got you 100% on board again and then the cycle starts over, whether it be abuse or infidelity the result is the same. I hate to be brutally honest with you but likely this is where you are right now and I cannot lie to you and say I believe that he is a changed man. Nothing in what you've said has given evidence that he's really there for you now. Cheaters that quit will show clear signs of having remorse over it and tbh I don't see that here.

Likely your inner self knows that he's not really there and it's on the surface making it hard for you to be turned on by him anymore because frankly you know he's not all there for you like he wants you to believe.

I know you may not listen to this but have you considered ending the marriage and moving on?

I'm very much in accord with what s4ndm4n says above. These are words of wisdom, IMHO.

Right now, winning you back is the challenge that he is kind of enjoying tackling. Very possibly, he does really want this marriage to last. That doesn't mean he truly wants to commit to monogamy. There are men who totally want a reliable wife at home, while they partake of sampling the occasional other sexual opportunities that come along. What most of us fail to understand is that, deep down in their souls, these kind of men (or women) really don't consider what they do to be all that wrong. That is the reason why change over the long haul is so unlikely. As one comedian has put it, "Some men are only as faithful as their options." Right now, there just doesn't happen to be someone flitting around his periphery that he'ld like to get a "sample" of. Eventually, opportunity will present itself again.

He truly may have zero intention of ever leaving you. And he may think that should be good enough for you. People tend to not do things that they believe are very wrong. They certainly don't do them repeatedly. When they do, you need to believe what they are telling you - that, in their mind, this is not all that wrong. You can't bridge that gulf. The two of you hold different values. He probably can't be converted to your idea of marital commitment. Ask yourself what was role-modeled for him by his father. It might tell you something. (or not . . . IDK, for sure.)

You're trying to rationalize yourself into believing what that little smart part of you just isn't buying. Having said all that . . . you don't have to walk out the door tonight. You may need a bit more crap to happen before you will really have had all you're going to take. But, in line with what's offered in the post above, start developing an "exit plan" for "just in case."