I REALLY like her! How do I NOT screw this up?

Three years ago, my wife and I divorced after a 20-year marriage. I've given myself the past three years to clear my head and figure out how to do it right this time. I’ve been learning where I went wrong and I’ve figured out what I want for myself and how to be better and work toward a solid relationship. But, I’m still trying to figure out how to get there.

Several months ago, I decided that I was ready to start making friends using online dating. I explain to each person that I meet that I'm taking the "friends first" route. One of them stands out as someone that I want to explore something deeper with. I'm finding that I "hit it off" very well and I'm very comfortable with everyone except the one that I'm most interested in. It occurred to me that this is happening because I want to impress her which in turn makes me nervous when I'm with her. The more I get to know this person, the less I want to meet other people. I’m feeling a little “love struck”.

She has a PhD in Psychology. So, I'm pretty sure that I have little room for error. Or, maybe I have a lot. She might see me as a nice little experiment.

She is like a “rock”! When we first met, SHE made it clear that her intention was to develop a friendship first. I was very excited to hear that from her since I seemed to be having a difficult time finding women that were truly "on board" with that approach.

When we’re together the chemistry is great but the in between time is labored, at best. Several times I’ve thought that she was losing interest in me but, each time that happens, we get together and things seem awesome again.

I’m having a hard time figuring out how to develop our friendship while balancing letting her know that I’m very interested in her without pushing too hard.

We’re separated by several hours so we don’t get to see each other all that often. I’m trying to figure out the best way to keep things moving without scaring her away. Is it too much to text her every day? I don’t like phone calls and she is extremely busy. Should I try calling her or ask if she’d like an occasional phone call? I feel like her life may be to hectic for phone conversation and that she’d rather use text. I don’t want to put her on the spot by suggesting that we talk on the phone.

The bottom line is that I’m trying to figure out the balance! If I go with my emotions, I’d be calling and/or texting constantly! But, I’m also afraid that by holding back she will get the impression that I’m not interested.

One more thing. One thing that I know about myself is that I’m a “people pleaser” and a “nice guy”. She assured me that she’d always be honest and straight with me but that she feels she needs to be careful with my emotions. Am I toast?! Does she see me as weak? I can’t change my personality but I want her to know that I can handle the truth. I never want her to feel as if she must “sugar coat” her communication with me. I’ve just started to learn about the whole emotional safety thing (that I previously had no idea existed) and her comment to me makes me feel like she does not see me as all that stable which in turn may affect her emotional safety where I’m concerned.

Hi,

Just go for it. If she does not like your honest approach, you will need to find someone who does. Good luck and keep us posted.

moogs

"Good morning beautiful" text and good night text/call is a good way of letting her know you're interested, without being pushy, because it means you're thinking of her first thing when you wake up, and last thing before bedtime.

Depending on the content, daily texts dont have to be an overkill, smother the other do death kind of situation...

Sending memes, or gifs is a simple way to make contact without the pressure for a response, if you find themes that you two have in common, it could be like an inside joke kinda thing.

Show interest by complimenting her, specifically stroking her feminine ego, make the odd dirty joke if and when appropriate.

Why?
Well if she doesn't know you see her as a woman, a woman you're interested in, you'll become friend zoned before you know it, and like so many other nice guys, it would be because you're too busy being sweet and forget that you need to be sexually appealing too.

Idk about other women, but I've subconsciously friend zoned guys simply because they were nice, just nice, no sex appeal. Then when they proclaim their undying love, I'm caught completely off guard because my brain had already put them in a "brother box"...

If you're unclear about how much contact is too much contact, talk to her about it. Friends are supposed to be able to discuss anything, so why not use this as a good starting point to overcome the nervousness she evokes in you...

Best of luck!

Trippin gives great advice. Also, the degree in psych means nothing. She's probably just as messed up as the rest of us, considering she went into psych, lol.

I think if you can make sure that you keep in brief contact with her throughout the week in between dates (but not smothering), like sending little texts that say "hey beautiful, having a great day and wishing you were here!" go A LONG way. Just letting her know you are thinking of her (BUT BE CAREFUL NOT TO GO INTO STALKER MODE HERE) will really show her you're interested.

I don't think you're toast in any way. I think she sounds healthy and like she has healthy boundaries and that is good. Means you could actually have a healthy relationship.

Congrats!
seesaw

Thanks for the great input!

I'm not sure how to avoid the "friendship zone" without scaring her. We entered into this with her making it clear that she wanted to be friends first. As I mentioned, she is like a "rock". This charm that I apparently have that works on other women does NOT work on her. She tells me she likes me but I get the feeling that if I get too "lovey" it will scare her. I've told her that I miss her and I've even gone as far as explaining that she gives me "butterflies". She resopnded that she was not there but that she wants to see where things go.

So, here is another nice little twist. So far all we've done is meet for drinks. It's very cold and snowy here so there aren't a lot of options. I told her a few weeks ago that I really want to do something different and fun with her. We started talking about the possibility of a weekend together. She said she was very excited. She asked if I was comfortable with "overnight". I (the "nice guy") told her that I was comfortable with whatever she was comfortable with and (I feel like this is where things went south) I brought up intimacy. I told her that I didn't want her to feel as if it was necessary but that I was open. I actually said a lot more than that in an attempt to reassure her that I was not looking for sex. (She said: "you're the sweetest man!") I'm trying to build that emotional security thing because I want more out of this relationship. She came back with "let's just do a day trip". So I recommended a day trip and she never responded. I figured I screwed up and went overboard and was pretty much mentally preparing myself for the premature demise of our friendship. Then, she texted me, showing that she was still there. But still no mention of us spending more time together.

Seems like letting her know that I think she is beautiful is important. I'll be honest, that scares the hell out of me! I'm not sure if she is ready to hear that since she was clear that this would start as a friendship and she has still not given me any indication otherwise.

Communication is key.
If you're going to take this friendship - romance seriously, its imperative you two learn how to talk to each other.

Before we started dating, my boyfriend was one of my best and closest friends.
But suddenly I discovered I was very uncomfortable talking about my feelings when they had to do with him. Luckily I discovered emailing him worked wonders, and we've adopted a system for the awkward talks.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is this, tell her the fact that your weekend was downgraded to a day trip does not go unnoticed, and you'd like to know why. Have you made her uncomfortable, have you overstepped a boundary, or did you just say something she finds really off putting. Make sure to mention the reason you're asking.

Not because a strange lady on the internet said to, but because you're taking the development of your friendship really seriously and you don't want to do or say anything to jeopardize it.

It's important to know each others boundaries and expectations, fumbling in the dark like idiots is a laborious and usually fruitless task.

Btw, my bf has an Oscar award worthy poker face, I thought he was a rock too, no such thing, some people are just better at hiding and or compartmentalizing. So dont doubt your charm just yet.

I appreciate your input. I'm 46 years old but I feel like such a "newbie" when it comes to this stuff. I've been doing a lot of reading and I've even turned to my ex-wife for input. She has been great, by the way! This whole dating thing seems so overwhelming at times. So overwhelming that I think that I just don't care if I ever fall in love again... Pitiful, I know but, It's just such an emotional drain.