I'm concerned about myself right now. I'm at a point in my life where I'm very..like I desire sex and am not in a relationship right now. I don't want to have sex or do sexual things outside of a monogamous and committed relationship. I'm also not comfortable dating online right now due to the types of people I've met there in the past, and also rude and inappropriate messages, etc. Over the summer, I dated a guy who was obviously just interested in sex, and I was getting red flags. So I ended it. But recently, we have started becoming involved again. He is the same as he ever was and I get this weird aggressive vibe from him that scares me. I also don't trust him and basically, I feel icky every time we do anything, even just over the phone. I know that this is my responsibility to get him out of my life. It wouldn't be that hard, honestly. I could just ignore his texts. And he doesn't text me much. He never calls.

I think what I'm concerned about is that I did this / am doing this, even though I know it's dangerous. We have not had sex, and I don't plan to. But he's manipulative and i just need to stop it. Another thing that concerns me is that I don't trust myself. in the past, I went through a time where I was getting involved with jerks like this, because I was lonely and horny. I worked hard on changing myself. Now it's happening again. I really want more self control in this area.

I'm looking for and am going to brainstorm some ways I can substitute behaviors. Like instead of contact this guy when I'm horny, masturbate instead. I also wouldn't say I'm hyper sexual or anything. But at 33, I have recently started doing it like once a day, or less. I've been googling ways of channeling sexual energy and frustration, and haven't gotten much, though I have read that creativity and exercise also help. I'm wondering if anyone else has any other ideas.

I would like to ask that people please do not judge me or be really harsh in their responses. Sometimes I feel like, really frustrated because I'm horny and have no one else I feel safe with to act on it with. I'm wondering if this might not be the worst thing in the world though, and maybe someone can give me a reality check.

[Bill3]

in the past, I went through a time where I was getting involved with jerks like this, because I was lonely and horny. I worked hard on changing myself. Now it's happening again. I really want more self control in this area.

How did you change yourself in the past?

Good question. I decided I didn't want to date people who only wanted sex, and decided to 1. focus on people who gave me a good feeling, and 2. not care if I was single.

That all really started in the Fall of 2015. I got a new therapist, who is still my therapist, who I like a lot. Good people and men randomly came into my life too. I had a healthy dating life, and I was also happy being single.

I do wonder if what happened with my last boyfriend, briefly, in october/november, the guy who really hurt me who I dated for a month, I wonder if that turned things off its axis for me a little. I've found I'm suddenly unhappy single. Whereas before, I was like, I rock at being single and love it.

Update. I made a list of 40 healthy things I can do before I message dangerous guy. I'm going to get support for this too. I'm going to talk to my mom and to a friend who might understand. And post here.

[Rose76]

It doesn't have to be a choice between committed monogamy or involvement with someone scary. There are options in between. At age 33, casual sex with reasonably okay men might not be the worst thing in the world. (I went home with a guy one night for casual sex. Now, many years later, I'm still with him.)

The first thing you need to do is close down the contact with this particular guy whom you find to be aggessive and pretty much a turn off. End it. Once you decide you really don't like someone . . . End It. Move on. You are wasting precious time.

Then explore what else is out there. Do it on-line, or in the flesh . . . but make other contacts. Go out. Meet people. Get up from your device (phone, tablet or desktop) and get out of the house.

If you're going to utilize the Internet, join a reputable "dating site" where you pay money to get matched with men who have also made an investment in a serious search for a real relationship. These "free" sites scare me. They're notoriously not free of risks.

There is no substitute for a meaningful relationship. Nothing you do by yourself is going to relieve your need to connect with someone. Lots of women - possibly most - can give themselves a more intense orgasm with a good vibrator than they'll get in bed with a guy. It's not just about "getting off." You need intimacy. You need emotional warmth and affection. You need to laugh with someone.

I don't think you're having much of that with this character. Alright . . . he breaks up the monotony. Set your sites a little higher. So you run into the occasional "jerk." In that case, you just move on.

Thank you Rose76.

[Crazy Hitch]

No judgement here. Trust your instincts. I'd say it's best to walk away before becoming too involved with this creep.

I signed up for match, a dating website. I have been feeling pretty weird ever since. Like overwhelmed and vulnerable and bad about myself. So I think I'm going to take it down. I don't like this feeling.

I talked to my friend last night, who said, that maybe I could change my number so the "dangerous sex guy" would stop texting me. I decided to look into blocking and I can, so I blocked him!

[divine1966]

Stir away from creepy guy. Keep yourself busy with other things. That helps

Have you tried eharmony? It gives you control who sees you and who can talk to you. I felt in control when I used it. Try it, see if you like set up. Much better imho than other sites.

Glad you blocked him (especially if he was the guy who turned on you a while ago?). Stay safe and take things at your own pace..

I think exercise can help - if nothing else it tires us out. In the past I did try spearmint tea which seemed to work - these days I have the opposite problem, oh well.

Thanks. Divine and Rose, as much as I appreciate your encouragement with online dating, I don't feel ready! It's not that I don't want to date. But being on those sites makes me really uncomfortable right now. I find myself feeling badly, not "measuring up," and feeling like I'm at a mother ****ing beauty contest. I don't want to be part of it, even if the truth is that I do measure up and I am freaking awesome.

Prefabsprout, it's a guy I dated over the summer briefly, before that psycho email guy. Haha, we have "dangerous sex guy," and "psycho email guy." You may refer to them in acronym form if you like, lol. I actually have them both blocked. PEG wasn't bothering me though, he was just really inappropriately mean and I didn't want to deal with anymore 180's.

So, I guess, in closing, I do feel disappointed that online dating isn't for me. But, it isn't for me. I'm going to do other things, like volunteer, take classes, join groups, meet up with people, etc etc, and try to accept that I am single right now, and that maybe, just maybe, it's not the worst thing in the world. Spearmint tea sounds really good. I'm drinking peppermint tea atm.

Also. I just saw an article on Medium, called "Men Dump Their Anger Into Women," and I am so all over reading that when I get a chance.

[Rose76]

I think you're on the right path. Stick to it and things will improve.

Originally Posted by Rose76

I think you're on the right path. Stick to it and things will improve.

Thanks Rose. Thank you for your previous response, too. It was very helpful to me.

I too think you are on the right path, we all have our wobbles now and then but the important thing is the general direction - in your case it sounds very positive.