[SoSadSarah]

I have a question, a couple really. Let me start with a little back history. My husband and I met and our first date I knew this was the man God had made for me. He was honest and kind, very thoughtful and was always eager to show me just how much he loved me. On New Years eve at 12:28pm He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! I had prayed long and hard and knew I had found my husband, We waited until around July to start marriage counseling which just happened to be about the time both our leases came up for renewal on our apartments. So we talked it over with our pastor and decided to go ahead and move in together. We DID however refrain from having intercourse to keep our relationship pure. Now My husband and I have been married since October 16,2016 So a whole 3 months but we dated and were engaged for around 1 and a half years. I have three kids form a previous marriage. And I feel I must point out that husband is a wonderful father to the kids, But I feel he is a terrible husband to me. So a two weeks before our wedding his brothers decided it would be good to give him a bachelor party (He has also been married before) He got a beautiful wedding for his first time around and a bachelor party then as well) I had a shot gun court house wedding for mine. Any way his brothers take him all over town drinking and I mean drinking then to different strip clubs where my husbands ends up well lets just say he wasn't faithful to me that night. I knew right away when they came stumbling in at 4am Bars close at 2 here. I lost it and woken them up and kicked them out after a few house to going threw it in my head and once one of my child hood friends saw them doing it. I was so hurt he gave something that we both sacrificed greatly for away The next day he has his mom bring him back home and I am still understandably upset. His mom I'm sure doesn't know what he has done as she comes into my room and laughs at me telling me I am over reacting. I yelled at her and kicked her out. and cried harder. Our pastor comes over and helps my soon to be husband and I talk things over. And we start feeling better. Then that evening my husband tells me that he really needs me to apologies to his mother for kicking her out of my house earlier that day. Once again I was devastated and felt very hurt. Then he brings his whole family over both mom's and dad's to sit down in my house to confront me about everything that worried them about the two of us getting married. My husband lied to me and told me our pastor was going to be there but he was never invited. Then he assured me that he would have my back that I was the most important thing to him ever. Well lets just say that didn't happen but seeing as I am a grown woman I held my own. At the end His mom suggest that we put off the wedding which at this point was 1 day away. Now we had talked about doing that but He and I decide not to. His mistake wasn't going to stop what God had started, then to my surprise my now husband quickly agreed with his mother. Once His mom's words controlled him, but as soon as they left to drive back home he changed his mind.The next day I over heard him talk bad about me but couldn't quit make out what he was saying. So the day of our wedding came his whole family showed up really late and not once said one word to me. Before all this we going along great and I couldn't wait to be apart of the family. Since our wedding my husband and I have made love only a few times. I came to find out last week that he is addicted to porn and has been for years. He has also been talking to other women on the internet and has completely shut me out of his life. He has also been telling his family parents lies about me. I just found all this out about a week ago. I started snooping threw his stuff when I couldn't take the lack of contact any longer. He has been lying to me for months. He is also very selfish He has to have the newest IPhone and best of everything while I have a 5 year old android. He drives our new Dodge to work everyday while I drive myself and the kids to school and work in a breaking down at any time small white car. He says he has to have the new car because he going to work at 3. You know what I love his so what ever he wants. I do make quite a bit more than he does but it's him and the kids first. When I confronted him with all this the lied until I pulled out all of my evidence then the truth started coming out. I was much calmer that I was before. But I can't seem to stop crying now. I haven't been able to eat at all in over a week now and I am not getting more than a couple of hours a night if that. I don't have anyone to talk to about all of this. We agreed in pre-material counseling that going to parents with fights wasn't a good idea it always hurts the relationships between everyone. We once again call on our pastor who comes over the next day while I'm at work. My husband tells him I assume to be the truth because my pastor calls me and tells me how much of a addiction this is and it needs to be treated as such. My husband agrees and quickly hands me over his laptop and phone along with his iPad. We and by we I mean I have set up all the counseling appointments for both him and I. And we agreed to do daily devotionals and a sex challenge together to try and rebuild our marriage. Day one was wonderful!! Now day three Wait he stopped at day one. He keeps saying "tomorrow we will start this I promise" Over the last week I have found I kid not 25 to 30 emails with around 15 to 20 dating profiles and different identities attached to each. He has also taken back his IPhone and has set very strict passwords on everything but insists it isn't him. I'll delete an account it magically comes back and he gets mad when I confront him about it. From the very beginning we both agreed Divorce is not an option at all no matter what. I have kept every promise and vow I have ever made to him and despite all this I love him so much. and the kids love him. But honestly I am at my breaking point and don't know what to do. He says he loves me so much and wants to be the man I deserve but won't put forward any effort into anything I ask of him. He reminds me that he is sick and we just need to do this together, but we aren't I'm doing it alone. I feel so sad and hurt and just I don't know how to explain it. my soul latterly hurts and my mental state isn't doing very well. since I am the one cleaning all this up I have seen emails, and saved video chats, and text messages between the complete lack of respect and betrayal the adultery and the talking crap about me I am just at a loss. I could go on and tell you how he left me completely alone on our first Christmas together not one kiss, or pat on the head, hand hold nothing, although I told him for weeks in advance now nervous I was because we were at his family's. and they don't make me feel very welcome anymore. He said once again he is sorry and that he will get the help and he will do his best to do better. But with every opportunity even very small ones like reading a 2 paragraph scripture, he doesn't even try, He has not kept one promise to me since we got married. Worked my butt off trying to be a better wife and let God's grace and love come threw me. But with each passing day and every broken promise and a few more websites and Webcast to try and removed, I feel like I have lost my self, I have become obsessed with finding everything ever single message. He is a wonderful Man with out this Porn addiction but with it he isn't my Husband and I want my husband back. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Anything even if it is just to pray.

[lizardlady]

trigger warning because of topic....

Possible trigger:

My husband was addicted to porn. In his case it was all part of his abuse of me. It was just one more slap in the face. I reached a point that I told him that if he didn't change his behavior he would force me to divorce him. Took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to reach the point I had the courage to stand up to him. I'm not saying what your husband is doing is abusive. I only relate my story to show I have some understanding of what you are facing.

You say that divorce is not an option. What if your husband's addiction was to something other than porn? It does not sound like he has any intent to try and overcome his addiction. Frankly, it sounds like he is using his "addiction" as an excuse for his behavior. Personally, I'd toss him out on his butt, but it sounds like you do not want to do that. Have you talked to your pastor just yourself about how this is affecting you? If so, what did he say?

[Artchic528]

Why isn't divorce an option?

[Crazy Hitch]

This sounds like a case of it's better to be with someone than be alone ... although it comes at a high price for you.

For what reasons do you stay?

Do you think you could do some research into therapists that he could see, and let him know when you're booking an appointment for him? He'll have to keep his commitment to the appointments otherwise he's not being serious about anything.

Also, worthwhile contacting your internet service provider. My provider lets me set up a control level (it's actually parental controls) but if you set it to medium / low it should be able to block porn. Alternatively I'm also able to block websites with my provider.

Alternatively my internet service provider also offers free porn filtering.

I'd get in touch with yours and see what they can do for you.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

This sounds like a case of it's better to be with someone than be alone ... although it comes at a high price for you.

For what reasons do you stay?

Do you think you could do some research into therapists that he could see, and let him know when you're booking an appointment for him? He'll have to keep his commitment to the appointments otherwise he's not being serious about anything.

Also, worthwhile contacting your internet service provider. My provider lets me set up a control level (it's actually parental controls) but if you set it to medium / low it should be able to block porn. Alternatively I'm also able to block websites with my provider.

Alternatively my internet service provider also offers free porn filtering.

I'd get in touch with yours and see what they can do for you.

If he can't get porn at home, he'll most likely go elsewhere to get it, leaving the OP and their kids all alone most of the time. He'll also most likely go and act out what he's doing via text and online with the women he meets on his dating profile.

So, blocking porn at home isn't a good idea for this situation. No, if she wants a man that respects her, and isn't a regular porn watcher, then she either needs to go to couples counseling with him or just flat out separate from him and work on the divorce papers.

I'm strongly suggesting divorce if he refuses to change or work on his problems.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

If he can't get porn at home, he'll most likely go elsewhere to get it, leaving the OP and their kids all alone most of the time. He'll also most likely go and act out what he's doing via text and online with the women he meets on his dating profile.

So, blocking porn at home isn't a good idea for this situation. No, if she wants a man that respects her, and isn't a regular porn watcher, then she either needs to go to couples counseling with him or just flat out separate from him and work on the divorce papers.

I'm strongly suggesting divorce if he refuses to change or work on his problems.

If it's blocked from the service provider, eliminates most of his opportunities. Unless he's going to go to an internet cafe ... doubtful ....

I'm not condoning it. Merely going by what OP said that divorce is not an option. So if it's not an option, I've given suggestions for the time being.

[Trippin2.0]

Why are you so convinced this man was made for you?
Idk about you, but my God wants what's best for me, because I deserve the best, my blessings aren't wrapped in dog shyt.

Your marriage sounds like a thankless, payless job, and your husband is not even interested in helping you improve it.

Can you seriously see yourself living this way until death do you part?

Do you seriously not believe you deserve better?

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Why are you so convinced this man was made for you?
Idk about you, but my God wants what's best for me, because I deserve the best, my blessings aren't wrapped in dog shyt.

Your marriage sounds like a thankless, payless job, and your husband is not even interested in helping you improve it.

Can you seriously see yourself living this way until death do you part?

Do you seriously not believe you deserve better?

I second this post. Why force yourself to be miserable when you can just let him go and be happy?

[Erebos]

Here is the perfect example of why I believe in living and sleeping with someone before marriage.
Something s you just don't see till they let their guard down.
Just one question, you really believe your God believes you deserve nothing better than this.
Actually question 2, is this what you want your kids to grow up believing is a healthy relationship?

Isn't it possible that your God tried to show you this man's true colours then night before your wedding.

Kinda reminds me of the story of the man stuck on his roof during a great flood. He prays to God for rescue, a sign Something to save him.
A couple of minutes later a man in a row boat passes and asks the guy if he needs help. The guy on the roof shakes his head. " No my God will save me" . The guy in the boat shrugs and goes on his way.
An hour passes the man still praying on the roof when a rescue raft comes by. The crew shout for him to get in, the water is rising and the weather getting worse.

The man on the roof is now calling out to his God,
" I am a good man of faith, I know you will send me a sign and help soon."

By now it's dark and the wAter has risen so the man has nowhere dry to sit or lie down.
Again he asks for God to save him.
A little while later a rescue helicopter passes over, they shout down to the man that he must come now, there are no more rescues thru the night.
Yet again the man refuses, shout ing that his God will save him and he will be ok. The helicopter has no choice but to leave.

Come morning the an awakes to find himself before God, puzzled and slightly angry he asks why is he dead, why did God not send him help when he prayed for it.

God is the one to look puzzled this time.
"But I did answer you prayers,
first I sent the man in the boat. Then I sent the rescue raft and finally I sent you a helicopter,what more did you want."

Maybe the signs you were looking at were not the ones you were meant to see.That's ok, we have a made a wrong step for love.

But please don't teach your sons that this is,how women can be treated. Don't allow your daughters to think that's all she deserves.
Please want more for yourself, and see you deserve it.

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with the others.. go to couple counselling to improve this situation or, if that's not possible, divorce.. good luck

[divine1966]

He sounds like a terrible husband. Listen since you've been married before and even have children then clearly you can't claim that divorce is against your beliefs. Certainly he isn't a good man the way you described him. Sounds like first class jerk. You can stay living in misery or you can have a happy life. It's your choice now. I hope you mane a good choice

Apologies firstly, I did find your post quite difficult to read (mostly because no paragraph breaks and a lot of information) but my impression is that there is much more than porn addiction going on here.

He was unfaithful to you on his bachelor night? That was with a real live person not just imagery. Likewise dating profiles. It sounds like he is a serial adulterer.

He earns less than you do but insists on taking the best car to work and having the latest iPhone? That sounds like a self-centred 'me first' attitude.

After deciding you would get married as planned he switched opinions because of his mother? He was marrying you not his mother, you are the one he needs to discuss and plan together with not his mother. Okay so he switched back (inconsistent) but then talked bad about you to his family.

You write he is a wonderful man apart from porn addiction, yet nothing you have written about his behaviour makes me think he is wonderful. In what way is he wonderful?

I worry when you write that divorce is not an option that he may see that as his green light to behave as he likes because he knows that there will be no repercussions. If there are no real repercussions for his behaviour then where will be his incentive to change his self centred ways?

No one deserves what he has done to you and your children.

[divine1966]

Porn is the least of your troubles. He sleeps with other women ( that's why he uses dating profiles and sites), I'd never have unprotected sex with him. It's very easy to get STD

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Why are you so convinced this man was made for you?
Idk about you, but my God wants what's best for me, because I deserve the best, my blessings aren't wrapped in dog shyt.

Your marriage sounds like a thankless, payless job, and your husband is not even interested in helping you improve it.

Can you seriously see yourself living this way until death do you part?

Do you seriously not believe you deserve better?

I totally agree.

Can I ask why you think that God sent this man to be with you?

Isn't it just as possible that this man was sent to you by "the other side" and it was indeed God who tried to step in by showing you his true self on the night of the bachelor party?

Unfortunately all that glitters is not gold. God does indeed want the best for us but sometimes we are confused by who sends what.

[Bill3]

Jesus said that divorce is an option in cases of adultery.

What do you find wonderful about your husband?

[campervanman]

H[ SoSadSarah.

God`s words` for the 7th commandment is: "YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTARY"

God gave the 10 commandment`s from Mount Sinai, accompanied by smoke, earthquake`s and the blast of a trumpet to emphasize the importance of these law`s.
Moses recorded God`s word`s in Exodus 20. (20:14)

“And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:18, 21-24).

You deserve respect and a better life for your own sanity! "SO" `DO THE RIGHT THING FOR "YOU"`

Take care my friend

This a dealbreaker

[Candle in the wind]

I feel for you, but i feel for you're kids as well. I am sure you did not sign up for this. If this was me, i would have gone through so many conflicted emotions however i would be thinking of my kids and what would be best for them as well as me. i wouldnt want my children to learn that this was ok behaviour and or this would be ok to treat their mom with such disrespect.
I hope you find the right answers for yourself and children.
Wish you the very best.