[iloveyourlaugh]

Hello, I am new to this site. This is my first post. I guess I should start by saying thank you for spending the time to read. I'm a 30-year-old married female, and my bisexuality is confusing me. Any insight, support, or advice is much appreciated.

I have always struggled to find myself, and I often feel lost and alone. I'm not sure what realistic love is, and because of that I tend to have confusing, unhealthy, and inappropriate relationships/friendships.

I dated several men in college, and every single one ended badly. One in particular, the longest, mentally abused me, openly cheated on me, and then abused me physically once (and that’s what finally ended it). I had no respect for myself. I have awful judgment romantically, so not a single relationship with a man lasted more than 3 months. I was certainly not deserving of a beautiful love then anyway.

I also had anxiety and lacked confidence so I never pursued anyone I had feelings for. And so I gave up on committed relationships for a while. I only had meaningless/disconnected sex with friends/acquaintances (men and, something new for me, women) until I met my wife.

We have been together since my last year in college, and married for a short number of years. She’s older, has always been stable, and has always taken care of me. I moved in right out of school. We haven’t had a wedding ceremony, and neither of us wants one. She was previously married to a man, so she doesn’t have the urge. But I don’t want one either, for different reasons...

I get confused about my love for her. I often wonder if we are right for each other anymore, but I still don’t know if I understand what it is like to love someone in a healthy way. I know marriage is about more than just that butterfly feeling, but if I am being honest, I have had doubts about my love for her for years because of the crushes I started to get on other people (both female and more recently male). In some cases, the crushes became so strong that I would cry in the shower everyday. I was so guilty and sad. I know I love her, but I just don't know if it’s right. Something is wrong with me.

We had our ups and downs like every couple does. We were almost perfect for a long time, but after we got engaged we started fighting about every little thing. And we had sex maybe once every few months (and I’m a VERY sexual person). During this time, I felt my love for her turn into something that scared me. After we got married on paper, we started trying to have children, and I got even more confused. My best friend moved away, and I got extremely depressed. I was very unhappy, and so was she.

But a few months ago everything blew up. I just couldn't hide myself anymore. We had a really open and honest discussion about all of this. I told her about how I felt about men, and although she was upset and sad about it, she understood, because that's how wonderful of a person she is. We started over, I tried to put those feelings behind me, and now there is no excuse for the way I feel, because I always thought it was because of how much we fought, or my crushes.

Sometimes I feel lonely, and I think it’s my own fault. As far as interests go, my wife and I have very little in common, and our connection seems to be lacking sexually and spiritually. However, emotionally we are perfect for each other, she's the yin to my yang. She is carefree, kind, and never in a bad mood. We never fight anymore, or disagree about life goals, and we have fun together most of the time. No one has ever supported me, or loved me more deeply than she does, or makes me feel as loved as she does. She's been trying so hard, and so have I. Except I hurt her every time I talk about this feeling. So just recently I stopped being open with her about it, and now its building again, and I am so sad. And there are certain things I can’t be honest with her about...

Maybe I feel lonely because I’m bored. Maybe I’m a bad, selfish person. Or maybe it is because she is a woman, and I am not bisexual after all. I don’t really know, because I don’t understand how I feel. I just don’t understand why I’m so desperate for a deeper sexual connection with a man if I am in love with my wife. I’ve been “sucking it up” and ignoring this emotion for years, and I don’t know how much longer I can live feeling this way without doing something about it. But I feel scared that I will loose the only person who truly loves me just because I'm horny or something, or because I'm ready for children, and my body is reacting instinctually somehow.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find what I am looking for. Is it “the grass is always greener” type thing? If I end it, start a relationship with a man, I may loose that deep emotional connection you have with a woman, and then miss her. Maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe I am one of those people that has to have romantic or sexual connections with each sex in order to be happy. But I just don't think that would be ideal either. I'm very passionate, and if we tried an open marriage, or threesome relationship, it would surely be the end of us. That is not a realistic path for me right now. Because I don’t think that’s what either of us wants, even though she has said we could try.

I just don’t know what love is, or I guess I don’t know how to make myself happy in my love.

[Skeezyks]

Hello iloveyourlaugh: I don't know as there is a lot I can tell you with regard to your situation. I'm an older man. But gender identity is something I have struggled with my entire life. It's a very long story. And I'll spare you the details. But I can relate to the confusion you are experiencing. It has been the story of my life in many ways.

I've been married for 38 years now. I just keep my gender identity issues to myself, along with my other mental health issues. It's tough. But that's the way it is for me. I don't recommend it for anyone else though. On the other hand, I think you're correct that you cannot keep talking to your wife about this. From my perspective, the better alternative is to engage the services of a therapist with whom you can, over time, process your feelings, preferably a therapist who has experience working with individuals who have sexual orientation issues.

My experience tells me that the confusion you are feeling is not going to simply go away by itself. You need to work through it. Otherwise it may well destroy the relationship you have with your wife. And, from what you wrote, my impression is that this relationship is too precious to simply stumble out of. You may or may not find another one like it. And if you don't you will likely live to regret not doing everything you could to protect it. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post.

Anyway... I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[Bill3]

[iloveyourlaugh]

Thank you so much for your reply, Skeezyks. You're right, I should seek help from a therapist. I'm taking steps towards this. My anxiety and depression has held me back from so many wonderful things, and I am finally ready to start healing. My heart/gut tells me one thing, and my mind another. Sometimes I feel like there are two completely different people inside me. I don't know why I am so scared to talk to a therapist. I guess everything new is scary for me. I would have never have thought about finding one that specializes in sexual orientation issues, so thank you so much for that suggestion.