[xRavenx]

I have one friend in particular who will ask me for suggestions about something important to her, such as when she feels she went wrong somewhere and wants to avoid getting into a bad situation in the future.

When I give advice, my goal is to always do it in a way that is supportive, yet frank. Since sometimes she will talk to me through text since she does not want to wake her baby when she gets home from work, I'll write out what I want to say. Sometimes shortly after, she'll make a comment taking what I say out of context.

I'll pick up on this and try to to explain to her what I meant, in hopes to increase understanding. Then, she'll stop responding mid conversation. When I get the feeling she might be ignoring me, I'll try to call or text asking her to call me so that I can offer an explanation and/or an apology. One thing that I admit hurts is if she does not respond and leaves me hanging, wondering if she really is mad at me. Obviously if time goes by, I figure she is mad. I hate being ignored. I'd rather someone admit where I went wrong so I can work on fixing things.

This is currently going on now, and it's bothering me. Any suggestions on how to deal with situations involving friends who react in a way like this, when all you want to do is help them and be there for them? The problem is always with this particular friend who reacts this way towards me. It's triggering to be shut out and left in the dark.

Can I ask you how old you are?

I'm just curious... I'm in my 30's and I have a friend who is in his 20's. He thinks its perfectly OK to have a text conversation where we are going back and forth steadily, and then just disappear without another word. I think its rude because the context of a conversation has been set and you wouldn't walk away from any other conversation without saying something, but he says its ok to just stop texting whenever because "its only texting" and therefore not important or urgent.

But, I'm with you. I think its unacceptable to be having a text conversation and then just stop responding without saying "gotta go" or something like that. I think its basic courtesy. (Then again, I know I'm in the minority of people who's parents sent her to etiquette classes as a child!)

I'm not sure how to handle the situation as I never fixed the problem with my friend.

In terms of misunderstandings, maybe its best to keep texting light and only talk about problems on the phone. She has a baby....but really this is her own doing as she cannot handle a text conversation without seemingly pouting and rudely walking away.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

...will ask me for suggestions...

Sometimes...she'll make a comment taking what I say out of context.

I'll pick up on this and try to to explain...she'll stop responding mid conversation...

Any suggestions...?

It sounds to me like she is not actually looking for advice or help other than for trying to make her own ideas work...and that means there is possibly nothing you can say at those kinds of times that will not ultimately backfire upon you. So, I would suggest trying to be very cautious of what you suggest unless you are first certain she is actually looking for your specific kind of suggestion.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

Can I ask you how old you are?

I'm just curious... I'm in my 30's and I have a friend who is in his 20's. He thinks its perfectly OK to have a text conversation where we are going back and forth steadily, and then just disappear without another word. I think its rude because the context of a conversation has been set and you wouldn't walk away from any other conversation without saying something, but he says its ok to just stop texting whenever because "its only texting" and therefore not important or urgent.

But, I'm with you. I think its unacceptable to be having a text conversation and then just stop responding without saying "gotta go" or something like that. I think its basic courtesy. (Then again, I know I'm in the minority of people who's parents sent her to etiquette classes as a child!)

I'm not sure how to handle the situation as I never fixed the problem with my friend.

In terms of misunderstandings, maybe its best to keep texting light and only talk about problems on the phone. She has a baby....but really this is her own doing as she cannot handle a text conversation without seemingly pouting and rudely walking away.

I'm very close to 30, and my friend is in her thirties. I completely agree with you. That's the way I see it. I am learning that text should be handled lightly. Maybe I could have told my friend that we can talk more on the phone, but since I thought it was a benign question (and answer that I gave), I never thought it would blow up into something.

Actually, if it were up to me, I would have called her. We call each other frequently, but the issue is that she is in a small apartment with her baby who is asleep, so during times, she is texting. Going outside isn't the greatest solution for her at the moment, because a. it's cold b. she lives in a bad area.

I'm hating texting more by the minute. I want to be able to hear someone's voice on the phone. I think people hide behind texts too and use passive-aggressive tactics at times, which bothers me.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

It sounds to me like she is not actually looking for advice or help other than for trying to make her own ideas work...and that means there is possibly nothing you can say at those kinds of times that will not ultimately backfire upon you. So, I would suggest trying to be very cautious of what you suggest unless you are first certain she is actually looking for your specific kind of suggestion.

Yes, I agree. I guess I just took what she asked literally and never thought it would backfire. I am noticing more that she tends to misinterpret things, so I think this is the last time I'll give her advice. I just wish that if I hurt her feelings, she would talk to me about it, rather than ignore me. That's the hurtful part. I would more than welcome her to talk to me about where I went wrong. I notice she has a lot of issues getting along with family, friends, and co-workers. Maybe with her, I really can't win....so I'll just have to accept that.

[Bill3]

You could use "person-centered" listening.

In this approach, the listeners goal is to understand what the other person is saying but not to judge or offer advice. The way one does this is by paraphrasing what the other person is saying and using empathy to understand their underlying emotions. Saying these out loud allows the person to know that they are understood and accepted, not judged.
The thinking is that acceptance of what they are saying allows them to explore further and come to their own solutions.

So for example if she says "I feel like I messed up X and i don't know what to do now. What should I do?", a person-centered reply would be something like "It sounds like you are feeling really anxious and perhaps guilty about X right now, and you are unsure how to handle the situation."

She might say "Well, yes, anxious but not guilty."

To which you could reply "Okay, right, not guilty at all, but quite anxious."

And if she insists on getting advice from you, by saying "But what shall I do?" the person-centered listener replies with something like "You really wish that I could offer the solution to you."

That is a brief idea of the general idea. This approach is a known listening/counseling technique; some therapists use it as their primary technique in therapy. Pretty much all others use it as one tool among many. Showing understanding and acceptance of what the other person said is a main foundation of helpful listening and counseling.

[xRavenx]

Thanks, Bill. I have studied the person-centered listening/counseling approach actually, and usually I use this approach with friends, although not always....sometimes I can't help myself but to be a little more directive. I think it was hard in this instance to pass on what I was trying to convey through text. If it were over the phone, it would have been much easier to use this approach, and I wonder if I'd be in this position with her. I have tried to use the person-centered method through text though, so I guess I need to fine-tune my approach in writing. Here's the thing though, I asked if she felt I went wrong somewhere, and I feel shut out.

When she first asked for advice, I did ask her what she felt her options were for dealing with the situation and gave a little bit of feedback afterwards. Maybe I could have done without the feedback though.....sometimes it's tricky. I do feel I walk on eggshells with this friend at times, so I'm trying to be mindful of what I can do, but still can't help but feel taken for granted as a friend at times, and I can't help but start feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.

[Bill3]

Right, walking on eggshells and being taken for granted are not good feelings at all.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't understand why you two cant talk over the phone though

Yes she has a baby, but does it really have to sleep in complete and utter silence?

I'm sorry I don't get it, the no phone call during nap time baffles me... Surely she can speak in a different room if need be?

I try to avoid having any important convos via text, things such as intonation are too easily misinterpreted, and then unnecessary misunderstandings and arguments ensue.

[DechanDawa]

There's some emotional unavailability going on, I think. One person controlling the tone of things. I go through this with a friend. It has only gotten worse over the years. Don't think it is so much what communication channels are being used as much as one person kind of over-managing and controlling everything. I have a friend who has gotten worse and worse. I have kind of detached so as not to get offended or hurt. There is no pleasing my friend. So that's why I say emotionally unavailable. You need to question why you want to stay connected with someone who is doing this. For me it is my oldest friend but she is not so much my dearest friend anymore.

Originally Posted by leejosepho

It sounds to me like she is not actually looking for advice or help other than for trying to make her own ideas work...

I agree. She seems to be seeking acknowledgement and validation of the conclusion she has already come to.

I suggest trying to offer more than one suggestion or solution to the problem.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

...

When I give advice, my goal is to always do it in a way that is supportive, yet frank. ...

I wonder if being frank is an issue here. Honesty is harsh sometimes, and not all people take it very well.

[xRavenx]

Turns out, I was over analyzing the situation. She just got frustrated by the issue she was experiencing and went to bed and said she was angry at the situation and not me. The next day, she told me she agreed with everything I said. I was kind of surprised, because we've had issues in our friendship. As close as we are, she tends to see people as "all good" or "all bad," and this image shifts, based on who she perceives as against her.

The reason I was surprised that she didn't take what I said to heart as much as expected, is that she has a dramatic personality where she will text-bomb me in the middle of night over things people said who have offended her. I try to be sensitive, because she really has a lot going on. One time did involve me when she made a false accusation, but we settled that.

Today, I told her that these things should be brought up on the phone rather than text, and she agreed. Some things, it seems she cannot wait to tell me, so she'll urgently text me stuff. She'll call multiple times a day and text, but I think the bottom line is that we shouldn't text about deeper issues. I expressed this, so hopefully things will get a little better.