[rdgrad15]

I have a casual friend who offers favors, mostly rides or just money in general to others, when she really doesn't want to and gets annoyed about it. I e always wondered why some people, including her, do that. Like, if you don't like giving people offers, then don't do it. I told her that and she agreed but she still continues. I just don't know why people make offers when they are secretly not wanting to do it.

I know I've talked about people offering favors before, but I don't think I've asked why some people offer favors and then get annoyed afterwards. It should be either you are okay with offering favors, as long as it is not too often in a short period of time, or not at all. That is how I am. I only offer favors a little bit in order to prevent being used, and only when I actually want to. I never offer favors when I don't want to. I feel like some people, including my friend, makes themselves miserable by offering favors they secretly do not want to do. Anyone know why this is? Should I tell her to stop offering again if she doesn't want to? Just curious.

It sounds like this friend feels a sense of being 'incomplete'. She may be putting herself out to fill this void. She may too be feeling the need to be acknowledged or valued. Could there be an aspect in her life (maybe a relationship) where these things are missing? So too, does she have control of things in her life? It is possible something like a relationship, or job, etc, is leaving her feeling brow beaten? Sometimes the need to help people results from emptyness or a need to find something one can control in an otherwise uncontrollable life. Regardless of the reason, this individual needs to feel some value.

Instead of dealing with the issue of the reluctant volunteering to help, approach it from the angle of her being the one in need.

[hvert]

I know people who do this, including my mother. I think it comes from wanting to be helpful, needed, and wanted.

I catch myself agreeing to do favors and then regretting it. I feel a sense of obligation to say yes even when I want to say no... or I might say yes because the moment the request is made, I am thinking about wanting to help, but when reality sets in and I realize how much time/effort is involved when I already have sixty million things to do... I have regret. Stopping the immediate instinctive yes is something I've been working on for a few years and it thankfully happens less often now.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by hvert

I know people who do this, including my mother. I think it comes from wanting to be helpful, needed, and wanted.

I catch myself agreeing to do favors and then regretting it. I feel a sense of obligation to say yes even when I want to say no... or I might say yes because the moment the request is made, I am thinking about wanting to help, but when reality sets in and I realize how much time/effort is involved when I already have sixty million things to do... I have regret. Stopping the immediate instinctive yes is something I've been working on for a few years and it thankfully happens less often now.

I agree. I will admit I used to do the same thing but no where as much as I used to. The only time I may do it is if someone is in need of desperate help in that moment. Otherwise, I am careful about offering favors if I don't really want to.

[ReptileInYourHead]

She is overly compliant. She fears rejection, her sense of self is based mostly on other people's opinions of her. Sounds like she cannot regulate her own self worth, leading to low self esteem and an inability to recognize what she wants out of social interactions until after the interaction has concluded. Hence the regret.
It may be indicative of past abuse, in one or several of the many forms in which it can be experienced.

I am extrapolating, and speaking from personal experience. I may have wrote it 'matter of factly' but it is just a suggestion.

My advice for her would be to pay attention to what her body is telling her during these social interactions, our bodies can tell when we are putting ourselves in a situation we are not comfortable with or do not wish to be a part of.
It comes many forms. Sudden anxiety, a heaviness in the gut. acute sweating, goose bumps, etc. Be mindful of the decisions you make, try asking yourself if this is something you want to do, before you do it.

I'm confused....

Are people asking for favors and she is automatically saying "yes"

or

Is she offering favors out of the blue....

ie someone says Oh, I would love to go to XYZ but I need to find a ride! So your friend jumps in and offers the ride without being asked directly.

Its a slightly different dynamic.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

I'm confused....

Are people asking for favors and she is automatically saying "yes"

or

Is she offering favors out of the blue....

ie someone says Oh, I would love to go to XYZ but I need to find a ride! So your friend jumps in and offers the ride without being asked directly.

Its a slightly different dynamic.

I've seen her do it for both scenarios. I can understand the first one you mentioned since that is indirectly trying to get the person to offer a ride or some other favor. But when she offers out of the blue and gets annoyed later, that is what I don't understand. But even for the first scenario, she doesn't have to offer when someone is hinting that they need a favor such as a ride.

It depends. Some people just try to be nice if they are caught in an inevitable situation. Like if someone mentioned they need to move and they alluded that they have no one to help them, I might offer help, although I might not like it, especially if I feel they are trying to use me and not acknowledging my help.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I've seen her do it for both scenarios. I can understand the first one you mentioned since that is indirectly trying to get the person to offer a ride or some other favor. But when she offers out of the blue and gets annoyed later, that is what I don't understand. But even for the first scenario, she doesn't have to offer when someone is hinting that they need a favor such as a ride.

To me it sounds like she's using favors to earn the approval of other people.

When the people don't show their appreciation then she gets upset?

Kind of like "I'm giving people what they want and they STILL don't like me!"

Or is it that she's "offering" these favors like a ride in order to be included in the activity that's going on, whatever it is. If so, this isn't the right way to become part of the group. If anything, she will become the "go to" person to be used and not necessarily included with any plans. In a lot of groups of friends there is that one person who is always putting themselves out there an yes they get to tag along with the others, but they're never really an integral part of the group. Their "job" is to just be there for rides or money or whatever else is needed. Is it possible that this is happening?

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

To me it sounds like she's using favors to earn the approval of other people.

When the people don't show their appreciation then she gets upset?

Kind of like "I'm giving people what they want and they STILL don't like me!"

Or is it that she's "offering" these favors like a ride in order to be included in the activity that's going on, whatever it is. If so, this isn't the right way to become part of the group. If anything, she will become the "go to" person to be used and not necessarily included with any plans. In a lot of groups of friends there is that one person who is always putting themselves out there an yes they get to tag along with the others, but they're never really an integral part of the group. Their "job" is to just be there for rides or money or whatever else is needed. Is it possible that this is happening?

I honestly agree. I never thought of it that way and what you said totally makes sense. She even admitted to pretending to be someone she isn't in order to fit in so most likely even though she feels annoyed about driving people somewhere, she does it in order to be included into a social group. She felt excluded a lot so most likely she just wanted to feel accepted. And yes she got upset when she didn't get approval from others a lot. Upset enough that she would start backstabbing whoever she thought did her wrong. Eventually it cost her friends she liked hanging out with. I am the only person from the same college she still talks to and even that is very rare.

I agree with you also that they were most likely using her since they weren't all that close to her. She felt way closer to them than they did to her. And two of the friends me and her hung out with me were actually dating so they were always looking for alone time as well, which she had a hard time accepting even though I was very understanding about them wanting privacy. So yeah, that probably plays a bit part in why she acted that way. Looking for acceptance but got annoyed in the process since she inconvenienced herself. I remember telling her to not do that so much but she never listened and even got mad at me for trying to get involved in her friendships with the other friends, even though I was already friends with them to begin with.

Sounds like you can try to advise your friend that her actions aren't working and this isn't the way to get people to like her, but in the end she may just have to learn the hard lesson herself. (Since it sounds like she hasn't already.) Sadly, some people do this kind of thing for an entire lifetime as they don't learn that true friends like you for who you are and not what you do for them.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

Sounds like you can try to advise your friend that her actions aren't working and this isn't the way to get people to like her, but in the end she may just have to learn the hard lesson herself. (Since it sounds like she hasn't already.) Sadly, some people do this kind of thing for an entire lifetime as they don't learn that true friends like you for who you are and not what you do for them.

Exactly, I basically gave up on trying since she really doesn't want to change and she never really appreciated me as much of a friend, and never really listened to any advice I gave her. She basically treated me the same way she claims other people treated her.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead

She is overly compliant. She fears rejection, her sense of self is based mostly on other people's opinions of her. Sounds like she cannot regulate her own self worth, leading to low self esteem and an inability to recognize what she wants out of social interactions until after the interaction has concluded. Hence the regret.
It may be indicative of past abuse, in one or several of the many forms in which it can be experienced.

I am extrapolating, and speaking from personal experience. I may have wrote it 'matter of factly' but it is just a suggestion.

My advice for her would be to pay attention to what her body is telling her during these social interactions, our bodies can tell when we are putting ourselves in a situation we are not comfortable with or do not wish to be a part of.
It comes many forms. Sudden anxiety, a heaviness in the gut. acute sweating, goose bumps, etc. Be mindful of the decisions you make, try asking yourself if this is something you want to do, before you do it.

I agree, she is way too compliant, and just like what I'd said to another poster here, she has mentioned being rejected a lot so she probably is trying to fill in a empty void, which winds up her becoming annoyed.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Exactly, I basically gave up on trying since she really doesn't want to change and she never really appreciated me as much of a friend, and never really listened to any advice I gave her. She basically treated me the same way she claims other people treated her.

Are you sure she was ever really a friend if she was treating you poorly?

Maybe she doesn't know what a friend is.

Maybe she doesn't know how to be a friend.

Maybe she doesn't know how to treat a friend.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

Are you sure she was ever really a friend if she was treating you poorly?

Maybe she doesn't know what a friend is.

Maybe she doesn't know how to be a friend.

Maybe she doesn't know how to treat a friend.

To be honest, I don't really consider her much of a friend. She basically only talks to me every so often when she's bored or something. Also I heard she just simply does not like socializing with people much. I am only giving her a second chance because she recently apologized for how she treated me back then. But I'm still very careful and know that she could easily treat me poorly again.

I usually don't give second chances but no one else ever admitted their wrongdoings before so that's why I'm giving her a second chance very carefully. And I agree, she doesn't know what a friend is, doesn't know how to be a friend, and doesn't know how to treat a friend. She treats me better now than she did a few years ago but I am still very careful and I don't let her get any closer than casual friends with me.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

It sounds like this friend feels a sense of being 'incomplete'. She may be putting herself out to fill this void. She may too be feeling the need to be acknowledged or valued. Could there be an aspect in her life (maybe a relationship) where these things are missing? So too, does she have control of things in her life? It is possible something like a relationship, or job, etc, is leaving her feeling brow beaten? Sometimes the need to help people results from emptyness or a need to find something one can control in an otherwise uncontrollable life. Regardless of the reason, this individual needs to feel some value.

Instead of dealing with the issue of the reluctant volunteering to help, approach it from the angle of her being the one in need.

Sorry for the late reply, thought I wrote something. But yeah, I agree with you. She was probably trying to feel included and valued, and wound up feeling used instead. In a way, she probably was used a bit since she was always offering rides, which would explain why she eventually felt annoyed and excluded. She claimed that people just didn't like her, when in fact, I think people liked her at first, but then she made herself vulnerable to being used and was very fake and somewhat rude ti others, causing her to lose friends.