[LiteraryLark]

I'm really stumped on this one.

There's this guy I like and he likes me, and he wants to kiss and make out but he's not ready for a relationship. I've already told him firmly no sex until we're in a relationship, and he respects that, but I'm not even sure I want to do any making out until we're in a relationship. I'm just confused by his motives when we make out like he's in love with me but when asked if he wants a relationship his response is, "I'll have to think about it."

And I guess getting to the point of my question, is it normal for people who are dating to kiss and make out without being in a relationship, or in his case, not wanting to jump into a relationship? At this point I really feel uncomfortable with making out, a quick peck on the lips or cheek is fine, because I don't want to be casual with him and I don't want to be led on like I have so many times before with other guys, and I have no idea how to vocalize my needs to say no making out.

[laffer75]

It's whatever you are comfortable with! My advice would be to respect yourself, and do what you feel is right. If this person values you, he or she will accept your choice.

[TishaBuv]

I never had a conversation establishing if a guy was my bf or wanted a relationship. If they kept spending time with me, and there didn't seem to be anyone else they were dating, because they were with me so much, how could there be?, then they were my bf.

Good for you for holding out for a committed relationship. Just set a boundary and give it time.

Can I ask how old you are?

Based on your other posts I thought you were a bit older, but now I'm kind of clueless.

[scorpiosis37]

I think it's very normal to kiss/make-out while dating before committing to a relationship with that person. Personally, I want to know if we're compatible romantically before I consider someone my "gf." However, I would want to know that the other person is also looking for a relationship, assuming we are compatible. I wouldn't waste my time dating someone at all if they are not also hoping it will lead to a relationship.

[miss_rainy]

I don't know. He may want to use you to kiss and stuff but nothing more. I had the same problem and the guy pushed way to fast and hard. Kinda felt I had no control. If you don't feel comfortable then don't! It maybe your gut warning you!

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't think there's a definitive on that question. More of a case of whatever goes for each couple.

[Erebos]

All comes down to what your comfortable with.
Here there is a stage before you commit, when your dating, and getting to know each other. We call it "seeing" someone. It's fairly common to start making out and stuff during that time. Even though no commitment is made.

Really it depends on what that level of physical contact means to you. If it's something you only want to share with a life partner, and you will feel used if this doesn't work out. Then you probably should not even go that far until your comfortable.

Honestly though most people like some level of intimate contact to reassure themselves your compatible together.
(Some just want to cop a feel..)

It would suck to commit only to discover your feelings were wholly platonic.
In other words it's too personal to give a single piece of advice. Except to stick to whatever you comfortable.

Lark, how old are you both, and how long have you been "seeing" (dating) or similar?
Just trying to gauge his response to you asking if. He wants a relationship.
Cos if it's only been a few weeks he might just feel it's too soon to tell.

[divine1966]

If guy doesn't want a relationship believe him. What he wants is some roll in a hay. If you aren't going for it he might settle for some other physical things. But he clearly isn't considering you for a serious relationship. When I was your age I would probably not think twice and just go along. Looking at it now I think it's pointless. I wish I knew better. Staying with guys who aren't into you will prevent you from meeting the ones who want to be serious.,

[Erebos]

Whilst I agree with divine to a point I was seeing my current fella for 3 months before I was ready to commit. Sure we made out in that time. Mostly we just did our own thing and met once a week. If he had pushed me earlier I would have had to say no, in fact I did a couple of times cos I wanted to be sure of him before I committed.

Like I said without a time frame it's hard to say.
I would say a few dates over a couple of weeks wouldn't be enough for me to even consider committing. However a few months gave a much better indicator of how we really got along.

But I reiterate, TRUST your instincts,above everything else, only do right by you. 2hell with everyone else.

[LiteraryLark]

I am 24 but have never been in a relationship and a few guys lured me in to the "lets be bf/gf" and then changed their minds after sex, so im confused with the mixed messages he is sending me.

[TishaBuv]

I know what you mean about 'they kiss and make out with you like they love you'. I was fooled by that, too. To be kissed with such passion, gazed with love into my eyes, stroked like I was Aphrodite...then dumped.

[LiteraryLark]

I have been masturbating before he comes over so i dont have any urges. It doesnt help having a high sex drive and wanting sex but also want to be in a committed relationship. At this point im overwhelmed with these mixed messages so i dont want to hang out with him anymore if this has to become a game.

How fast are they asking you to be bf/gf?

If its quickly, this is a bad sign. I mean why commit to someone you don't even know?

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

How fast are they asking you to be bf/gf?

If its quickly, this is a bad sign. I mean why commit to someone you don't even know?

I always commit to a "monthly trial". No person has ever made it past a month of dating to be seriously considered for relationship material.

[laffer75]

Well there you go...

[Erebos]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

I have been masturbating before he comes over so i dont have any urges. It doesnt help having a high sex drive and wanting sex but also want to be in a committed relationship. At this point im overwhelmed with these mixed messages .

And once again I find myself grateful I'm Ace. it removes ALOT of complications.

It's good you have a time frame.

I used to work out exactly how many hours I had spent in a guys company before I considered if I could possibly know him well enough to commit.
It frightening to realise they could be expecting you to make your mind up after only 24 hrs in each other's company.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Erebos

And once again I find myself grateful I'm Ace.

A-sexual???

I don't find sex to be all that pleasurable. I've had 8 partners and have never had an orgasm, and often times I'm telling them to stop because it's uncomfortable for me both intercourse and receiving oral. It feels like I'm being tickled to death. I can only orgasm when I masturbate and it's usually the foreplay and the fantasy that's mind-blowing, not the act itself.

[laffer75]

Girl I'm not sure I can offer you any advice on that point....

[LiteraryLark]

That's going off topic...

[Erebos]

Yeah, I have zero sex drive of my own, I have to rely on my partner to bring the "oomph".
I still enjoy intimacy, love making my partner happy and all that.
But if he wasn't there I wouldn't think of it at all. And at mid 30's I would Be at the peak of my drive.
Have to say it has definitely things less complicated rather than more.

[laffer75]

I understand your point though.... for me it's more about anxiety and my ability to relax when having sex.... never used to be like that when I was your age

[LiteraryLark]

So he came over today and he told me he didn't want a relationship that he only wanted sex. I told him I would think about it, but to be honest, I've come to the realization that I don't want sex outside of a romantic relationship. Ugh. I give up.

[seesaw]

So, having read through this entire thread I was going to comment that making out prior to commitment is pretty common. And depending on your boundaries and comfort level, other things might be okay too, but it sounds like you want commitment before intimacy, so I would stick by that. If this guy kept telling you he didn't want a relationship, I wouldn't have bothered seeing him anymore.

At least he told he was just interested in sex. Believe him. Don't try and change his mind, he won't. Kick him to the curb.

Seesaw

[Erebos]

What seesaw said. He has been honest with you, time you were honest right back.

You clearly want totally different things, .
Time to move on.