[X6500430X]

Hello all! First post here.

I hope this is the right thread to post in. Because the problem is with my wife. But my wife struggles with depression and anxiety. So the answer i am looking for here, is to learn how to better deal with it. Feel free to let me know if this post would be more beneficial in a different thread.

A little back story. My wife and I have been married for a little over 15 years. Our dynamic is that she always had the control, or "wore the pants". Which worked for us. She is a bit of a control freak, and I am not. So I went to school and worked and brought in cash flow. She controlled where the money went. After our second child, things were getting tough. She was losing control. So I attempted to take over. As I did, and was doing a good job, she would then get agitated, by that loss of control. She would often state that felt like she lost her purpose. So eventually, she would again take over control. 6 years ago, we had our 3rd and final child. This was her breaking point. This is where she lost control of herself. But it would be at least 2 to 3 year before we grasped what was really going on. She got depression and anxiety really bad. Neither of having any knowledge of mental illness at all, it almost sent us straight to divorce court. She no longer worked. She was trying to hide the fact that she laid in bed all day, leaving our 3 year old to play alone all day. She stopped cleaning. She stopped doing much of anything really. All I saw was selfishness and laziness. It was then, someone mentioned depression. So it was then that we went to the Dr and recognized it and attempted to learn to deal with it. Cut to 4 years later, we are still together. And after trying multitudes of Dr's and pills, in the end, she chose to "self medicate". I am still unsure how i feel about this, but I have come to terms with it, because it helps her more than any pill has. But I feel that it may be only helping her in a moment of struggle, but making the long term worse. I want her to see a therapist. That's the one thing she has never agreed to. We are to a point now, where I feel she can no longer grasp what is in her head, and what is real. She used to be able to decipher the two, but now it seems to be all blended together for her. And no matter what, she wants me to side with her, even if I feel that she is being irrational or over-reacting. And I am struggling with this bad. Especially when it comes to matters with the kids.

Now for the part I came here for. Sorry for the long intro, but I wanted to make sure this wasn't taken out of context. Last night, my wife and I took our 15 year old to her first concert, which was for her 15th birthday. So the night was to be about her. When we got to our seats, our daughter wanted to sit between us, I guess to able to enjoy the concert with both of us. My wife made a comment right away stating her dislike in mot being able to sit next to me. I disregarded the comment at the moment, but a little later, when our daughter wasn't in hearing distance, I said it's just for tonight, it's her first show, she wants to sit with both of us. To which she didn't seem pleased with my response, but didn't fight it either. So the show goes on, there were 2 opening acts, that we all 3 enjoyed and we were all having a good time. Then the headlining act started to play. We are all excited to seem them, and my wife and daughter stood up and was signing and dancing for a few songs and having a good time. Then a slower song came on and they sat down. Sometime after that song, I started to notice my wifes demeanor changed. She no longer seemed excited. She was no longer singing along or clapping. Something was wrong. So I asked my daughter if I could sit next to her mother for the rest of the show. She obliged and we switched. After the song, I said to my wife, that was really good. Which was really just a test to see her reaction. Which wasn't much. I got no response. I asked her what was wrong, she just shook her head no. So I dropped it and continued to watch the show while holding her hand. I was trying really hard to enjoy myself, but I had that festering thought of knowing she was not happy. At one point, she leans over and says "I should be dancing and enjoying myself right now, but I can't" So I said, come on, lets just enjoy the moment" She didn't respond. A few minutes later she tried to tell me something else. I did not hear what she said, and I asked her if she wanted to go talk, to which she shook her head no. So we all sat there for the rest of the show, watching, relatively quiet. The show ended, and we rushed to car, trying to get a beat on the traffic. Once I got out of traffic, I asked her what was wrong. To which I got no response. I tried to make small talk with her, nothing. No response. When we were getting close to home, she finally said she wanted to be let out right next to the door. This meant, so she could get to her "medicine" as soon as humanly possible. So I dropped her, then parked the car. I went in, and she walked outside. I gave her some time alone, told my daughter goodnight, then went out side to join her. I again asked her what was wrong. She remained silent for a bit, but I could she wanted to talk, to so remained silent until she was ready.

She finally started talking. At first my wife said, I don't want to tell you because you will think it is petty. I said, I am just here to listen and that she can tell me. And here is the story I got. During one of the songs in the beginning, which was my daughters favorite song, my daughter was singing the song out loudly. So my wife said why don't you just let them sing. My daughter stopped singing. The very next song was a song my wife enjoyed, and was singing along, and my daughter leaned over and said, why don't you let them sing. That was it. That sent my wife into a downward spiral for the rest of the night. My wife went on to tell me that our daughter is an "a**hole and our daughter hates her. And went on about how I was walking next to my daughter the whole night and people probably thought she was my wife. Then starting going off about the seating arrangement. Then said she felt invisible the whole night and no body cares about her. She was crying and talking fast and falling apart. But all I was hearing was non-sense. So yes, she was right, I thought it was petty. And I knew disagreeing with her was 100% the absolute wring thing to do. So I was left not knowing what to say. So I started to acknowledge the one thing that I sort of did agree with her on. That fact that I did want to sit next to her. I told her I am sorry that she did not have a good time, but yeah, I agree with the seating. And that's why I asked out daughter to switch, so that I could sit next to my wife for bit. Then my wife became angry at me. She said, what the f*@k does that have to do with anything? I just said all that, and that is all you took from that? I was stumped. I didn't know what to say or how to react. She was putting me in a position of having to choose my wife or my daughter. And I know what she wanted, she wanted me to just agree with her, and tell her she is right and that my daughter screwed up and so on. And I can't do that. Sometimes my wife messes up. And sometimes I have to make sure my kids don't end up in the crossfire. So that they know, I will be there to defend them and just take my wifes side all that time. And I say that, because that is the environment I grew up in. A step father with anger issues, and a mother who always took his side out of fear, leaving me out to hang. I can't do that to me own kids. Now yes, they are kids, and there a times that my kids are the ones in the wrong. And yes, it should never be about sides. But when my wife gets to a point of irrational, I sometimes feel like I am forced to choose. And I always choose the side of right.

We didn't talk much after that last night. At one point she spit off some anger and asked me why I have nothing to say. So I told her I was there to just listen, and now I just want to cuddle and be there for her. To which she said she just wanted to go to bed. So that she did. This morning, I woke up to an angry raging wife. Talking about divorce, and leaving and how we all hate her. And how she hates me. Now mind you, all that is not out of the ordinary. I hear all that at least once a week. But I personally am getting to the point where I no longer think I can handle it without letting it destroy me. I don't know. I told her today I wanted her to agree to therapy, or there was no reason to continue. I told her I can no long do this by myself and I can't be the person she needs me to be with out help. She said that I was being ridiculous. That it was me not understanding her. She said just because I don't understand her, doesn't mean she is being irrational. And that I have no idea what I am even talking about. We haven't talked since.

So my question is this? Am I handling this wrong? Is there something different that I could have said or done? How to I make my wife happy without making my kids feel like I don't stand up for them or protect them?

I am getting so lost.

[Skeezyks]

Hello x6500430x: I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Unfortunately, I don't know as there is much of anything I can offer here. Actually your wife & I have something in common. I also have a tendency to go into unreasonable rages periodically. And my poor wife has to try to figure out how to handle them. Fortunately in our case these episodes don't occur too often.

From my perspective, I don't know as there is anything in particular you could do to have a positive impact on this situation. From what you wrote, it sounds as though you're doing the best you can. In fact it sounds as though you're doing a lot more than many husbands would be willing or able to do. So kudos to you for that. From what you wrote it does sound as though your wife might benefit from therapy... & perhaps prescription medication. I know from personal experience that psych med's & therapy aren't always greatly helpful. But I also don't personally feel that self-medicating is the answer either.

Ideally, I suppose, what would be best would be if your wife would see a therapist with whom she can talk through what is going on with her & possibly a psychiatrist for consideration of psychiatric medications (antidepressants or other psych med's.) And in addition to that perhaps the two of you might be able to see a marriage & family therapist. However, as you well know, you can't force your wife to do anything she's not willing to do. So perhaps the "fall-back position" here is for you to consider seeing a counselor or therapist yourself so that you can figure out if there are ways you can better handle what is going on as well as how you want to proceed from here on. Simply having someone with whom you can share, on an ongoing basis, what you're experiencing can be wonderfully helpful even if it doesn't produce any tangible results.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you are trying to be supportive to your wife. You cannot fix her though, she needs to see a therapist. Also, she should consider seeing and talking to her gynecologist as well because this could be due to a hormonal imbalance. She should have her estrogen levels checked, it seems this problem increased with each pregnancy.

I doubt your daughter is a bad child, sounds like she is just being a teenager.

Often individuals who need the kind of control you are describing have something that happened in their past that contributed to their feeling unsafe. You can't "fix" her, she needs to reach out for help and work towards doing that for herself.

Also, while I don't know how old your wife is, she may be menopausal and some women have a very hard time during that time, again, that is hormonal and often is caused by a drop in estrogen levels that can contribute to depression and the other things you have described.

She should also have a physical too to make sure there is nothing else going on as some women have thyroid issues that can also lead to depression symptoms.

[Bill3]

I agree with the posts above.

Are you saying that she self medicates with alcohol?

You might want to look into narcissistic personality disorder. Much of what you are saying reminds me of my mother, who both drank and had NPD. People with NPD can take offense and get very upset about things that appear minor to others--but any kind of perceived humiliation can be very painful to people with NPD, and therefore bring about responses that are inappropriate but might numb the pain.

You are doing Herculean work to protect your children and also try to help your wife. There may however be nothing that you can really do, especially if she continued to refuse to see a therapist or psychiatrist. You seeing a therapist, as suggested above, can help you maintain perspective and, if need be, decide how best to protect your children and yourself.

I'm wondering if she has some sort of personality disorder.

And if so, the rules of logic do not apply, so your "normal world" rationalization will get you nowhere.