My boyfriends a douche and making my problems worse

Imagine sitting on the couch in a weakened condition because you haven't eaten in a week. You feel like you simply can't muster the energy to go to the refrigerator and get something to eat - so you don't. Instead, you're going to wait until you have the energy.

Except tomorrow you're going to have the energy of someone who hasn't eaten in a week and a day. And the day after it's going to be a week and two days. And the day after... And then it's a month. And then you're dead.

I do understand not being able to do or handle much emotionally - but this situation is unsustainable and every day you wait, more emotional damage is being done.

I have discovered while sitting on the computer day after day that I CAN do the process of having him removed by myself without paying the 800. I have to draw up an eviction notice...and then give him the amount of time to leave that I specify in the notice.

And then if he doesn't leave...I will have to go to the courthouse and pay to go in front of a judge..but it won't be anywhere near 800 dollars. I do have to wait until I am a little bit stronger or a little bit more fed up (if that is possible) and yes, spring is coming and for some reason that kind of weather will make it easier I think. Thank you for your input.

You don't look old enough to have gone thru all you have gone thru..and I"m glad you have prevailed! This is something for me to look forward to.

Yes, I have been to the courthouse and I have been told that even thou he doesn't pay rent...that I have a legal obligation to legally evict him. Its just SO much work when I can't even barely function at this time (emotionally). My son being here has added so much pressure to the situation but I have to keep telling myself..it is not my son...it is HIM.

Yes, I was told one time in my last 22 year relationship to imagine myself sitting in a rocking chair when I'm old and looking back and regretting my life...I did end that BAD relationship and I seem to pick them all.

That story of the rocking chair and your reminder haunt me. I know that something has to be done soon..because this is not how I want to live or die.

hi mama...I now understand how you were able to find compassion for my struggle of actually doing something in my situation as you are in the same boat and maybe worse because yours involves children.

We both need to muster the strength to do what is better for us . Starting another day today is just very un satisfying. I know from kicking someone else out after 22 years..the relief I would feel if I would just do it and get it over with....its just so hard to actually do it..especially when yesterday we had a pretty decent day...and like you said..I start thinking "Well, I'm no angel either".

Really doesn't matter if we are angels or not...we are not happy...and things need to change for us.

Hello Missy, I am a Student who is studying social work (with a minor in Spanish, family development and child development) at the University of Akron. Thank you so much for sharing some of your story with us. It sounds like to me you are frustrated and are ready to have him move out of the house, but you do not want to leave him homeless and without the proper resources. Is this correct? If so, have you looked into any resources that you could offer him in your area? Depending on where you live, there are places that could potentially offer housing and help him with his job search.

you are correct I am super frustrated and why do I have to help a 53 year old man figure his life out? No one has helped me figure out my life and no one is helping me now except websites like this.

I would think that he is so unhappy that he would actually be inspired to do something about it...I'm sick of his problems being mine to solve.

Misssy2 - I feel your pain. I lived for 7 years with an alcohol abuser. I tried tossing him out. I even gave him the security and first month's rent on an apartment of his own. He ended up on the street and showed up at my doorstep . . . destitute. So I let him back in. Eventually, I couldn't take the drunk-every-second-night B.S. I decided it would be easier for me to leave him. I did. For a week I was heart-broken. Then I found myself absolutely delighted to be living alone. At the time I was 41. Sometimes I was lonely, but I vastly preferred the new peace in my life to the turmoil I got rid of.

Since the house is yours, you can't leave him. (Though you might do some serious thinking as to whether that house is really the best place for you, going forward.) I was with a 53 y. o. substance abuser, and - no - you can't "help" him "figure his life out." I tried that . . . to no avail.

You see he's already got it figured out just fine, as far as he's concerned. He's got you to shelter him. That's what he's figured out. He figures that's working just fine, and he sees no need to change.

But, if you toss him out, he'll have to "figure" something else out. You might want to just let that be his problem. He's 53, not 83. He'll survive. It's a very hard thing to turn someone away from your door whom you've been close with. Take in some Alanon meetings and read some of their literature. Substance abuse is substance abuse. What they teach helped me a lot. I learned that you have to respect the right of another adult to screw up his life as much as he will. He's trying to figure out how to get over in life without really being responsible for himself. He's going to waste a lot of time getting nowhere. You don't have to take that trip with him.

The sentence that stuck out was I may have to think about giving up my house and if my son didn't recently start staying here due to his seizures, I would leave and go stay at my sisters to help her out since she has a big life crisis going on...it would save me money and all this frigin aggrivation. But, because my son is here...I am STUCK again.

I keep thinking about going forward with this eviction and my depression is making me so unmotivated...I know that the end result would be relief...I just have to really do it and it REALLY is hard.

Letting your son stay there because he may be unsafe living alone is a legitimate line of thinking, IMO. Still, lots of persons with seizure disorders live alone. If your son's seizure disorder is well-controlled enough for him to be driving a motor vehicle, then he is okay to be living alone. And you were shoveling your son's car out of a blizzard's worth of snow because he was in "weakened condition?" I actually got to agree with your boyfriend on this one. (Though he should shut up because it's none of his business.) Your son is 27 y.o. Twenty seven years old!! And he lets his mother shovel his car out! You're making a baby of your son. He's well enough to be driving and holding down a job, so he can shovel snow better than you can. It's a disgrace that he would even allow his mother to shovel his car out. Missing a few meals doesn't make a 27 year old male weaker than his mom, who must be around 50. That's crazy. For an adult with a chronic seizure disorder, a convultion - even a gran mal - is usually not a medical emergency, as I'm sure the doctors have already explained to you. That's unfortunate that his tongue is sore, but he did not almost bite it off. It will be fine in a few days. Meanwhile, he can have protein shakes. Buy some Carnation Instant Breakfast packs. One of those shaken up with 10 ounces of milk will serve as a meal replacement till his tongue is less sore. (Don't try to stir it with a spoon. Shake it in a container.)

Your son's girlfriend left him because she is not in love with him. Your son lost his apartment because either he doesn't make enough money to support himself, or he does not budget his money properly. He needs to learn to do both. He should not be dependent on a girlfriend to help pay the rent, unless they are engaged to be married. You see a pattern in how you relate to the people in your life. You encourage them to be overly dependent on you. This is not healthy for you . . . and it's not healthy for them. That's the problem in how you relate to both your son and your boyfriend.

Speaking of that pattern, listen to yourself talking about your sister. You might leave and go stay at your sisters "to help her out." She has "a big life crisis," and you're going to go get into the middle of that. Let your sister sort out her own situation. If your sister and you would really like to be housemates and share a home or aapartment together, wait till the crisis is over. I've not known too many adult men or women who find living with a sibling to be a good arrangement for more than a short period of time. Neither have you. There are many good reasons why we don't hear of that arrangement more often. It seldom proves happy for very long.

If you are financially squeezed, then consider selling your home and getting into an apartment that is less expensive, if that exists in your area. Sometimes, it can be cheaper to rent than to pay taxes and upkeep on a home. Do the math. Don't make yourself dependent on your sister for a roof over your head. You'll just be trading in one form of aggravation for another. It will lead to you and your sister not liking each other very much.

You're not "stuck" where you are because of your son. You have chosen to let your son be more dependent on you than is necessary. I think it makes more sense to share a home with a son than with a sister, but neither arrangement is healthy for you. Your son is too dependent on you on a number of fronts.

It is very hard to move forward with anything, while depression is dragging you down. What I find works for me, often, is to not let a set of problems get real tangled up with each other. Try and separate them and, then, tackle one at a time. Getting rid of the boyfriend might be priority one. But don't do it to make your son happy. Do it, if it's what you want to do for you.

Priority number two might be this: Tell son that he can either move out or start paying you rent. It can be nice to let an adult child live with you for free, while that son or daughter saves up for down payment on a home. That system works very well in some families. But your son is not wanting to save to buy a home. He's looking for a way to not be fully responsible for keeping a roof over his own head. He was depending on the girlfriend; now he's depending on you. You can't afford to semi-support a 27 year old man. You don't have that kind of money. You need to take care of you. That would also be setting a good example for your son.

If you got boyfriend and son out of the house, you might consider renting a bedroom out to someone who might be looking to rent a furnished room . . . like, maybe, a student. But you would do that with a legal contract, and you would background check the person.

Early in your first post, you spoke of calling the police and having them come and remove your boyfriend - if he had said "one more word." I'm not convinced you don't have that as an option.

Here's an article on the concerns about a person with a seizure disorder: How Serious Are Seizures? | Epilepsy Foundation

Hi Missy, you said it all in the title of your post. You are going through a lot right now and have an unbelievable amount of pressure on you. Your boyfriend is not there to support you and his presence IS making your life worse.

I imagine you swimming: then you have all of these weights tied to your body, one by one you are allowing them to drag you down until what? YOU go under. You need a life vest not more crap.

It's nice to be depended on but not ok to be dumped on. I really don't like that your boyfriend is verbally abusive either. That just really infuriated me.

Rose had a lot of good points. One being how you view your problems. One big pool of quicksand or small pieces of gum on your shoe that you remove one by one. I went to a weekend therapy thing and when it was my turn the T had me take pillows from a giant pile and place them on the floor representing each of my anxieties/problems. Big and small. When I could visualize them that way it felt so much more accesible.

Do you have a good friend who can be there with you to go through this process so you don't have to face it alone? I wouldn't worry about it being too cold for your boyfriend either. Seriously? if he wants to be warm then he can take himself and his crack habit somewhere.

Try to imagine yourself in the best situation possible. Is there a time in your past that made you feel good about your life and yourself? Are there steps you can take to get yourself on track again?

And please don't take on your sister as well. We all make decisions with our own free will.

It is not humanly possible for you to have all of these people hitching a ride on you!

I really appreciate the time and compassion you exhibit in this reply.
My son was not living off his girlfriend (she wasn't his girlfriend)..it was a friend and they split the bills.

He does admit that this was his first time being alone and he wants to catch back up and get more stable. My boyfriend just got a job.

You are so right about not moving in with my sister. I was just told by my boyfriend that I should offer to pick people up on this site and drive them where they want to go and that is how he sees I get motivated..lol...not funny but you are ALL correct.

In a sense I am putting myself into others problems to distract myself...and it is NOT working. Thanks so much

Thank you for your feedback. It is correct I am not taking MANY steps to help myself out of this situation....any of the situations around me. And it is true that depression and current medication are not helping me but making everything worse.

I hope you can get away from this jerk, I went through something similar, and with the help of my counselor I was able to save enough to get my own new apartment. my sons dad would take my ssd and ssi money and gamble, drink and cheat on me. not anymore and i married for over 20 years to a good man now.

It is normal, I believe, for a human being to want her life to be about her relations with others. It is normal to not want to live alone. But we have to not let those relations become unhealthy. Often a person would rather some unhealthy relating compared to being overly alone. But those are not your only two alternatives.

There's a third way. But you have to seek it out. You are intelligent and caring. You have insight. There are worthy causes in your community that could put your talents to good use. It is awfully hard to get started. But it will be awfully hard to continue as you are.

Thank God you got away. I literally did too in a 22 year bad relationship.
I am currently hiding in my room and I can find my blood pressure coming down from when I was out in the open.

I need these 2 to figure out what they are doing. I'm sick of being a Mom to everyone...even thou I mostly start the enabling.

I need them to say I don't need you to enable me....but that is not going to happen.

Misssy2 - You are so very smart and aware that I feel the best advice I can give you us to refer you to your own post immediately above. You basically know the truth of your situation and what is needed to correct it.

Here is your one problem: You are wanting for son and boyfriend to give you permission to do what you have a right to do. You "need them" to be okay with the changes you want to make, before you will make them. That will be NEVER. They will never be okay with you withdrawing your support.

They need you. You don't need them to do anything, except get out of your way. You are going to have to shove them out of your way . . . yes - shove them. They are not going to leave of their own accord.

Thanks for this! After my husband left our 41-year marriage last September, I realized, too, that I have a victim mentality. So I'm learning to apply mental boundaries. Whenever I start to feel like a victim, I roll back the tape and shut it off. It's a relief to not have to go there anymore. I'm grateful I have learned this, especially as I go through the divorce process.