Quite Alright from Family Flight

I'm somewhat in shock my situation went so bad and I have mutual blow off from my whole family. But, I'm doing fine.

The phone is not ringing with upsetting drama. I am concentrating on my career and my healthy relationships.

I know I handled it all the best I could and at least I have my husband and sons in agreement that we were right and they were wrong and just rotten.

I am coping quite well with the thought I may never see them again. For someone who supposedly has BPD, I am strangely, wonderfully accepting and well adjusted about this. I was upset for a week, and now I am moving on.

Life goes on. I'm a good person, no matter what they think.

Of course you are. Eventually, they may come around. If they don't, that is their loss, not yours.....

you are a good person so go with your heart always!!

I agree!

Wow, I didn't know you have bpd. I always assumed your mother did. But MI is on a spectrum. I suspect your bpd is from having her as a mother and your family of origin (but that's just my personal speculation).

You are a good person, and I think you manage your emotions quite well with everything going on in your life. Kudos to you!

And thank goodness for no phone calls and drama!

I'm confused about it myself. This new psychiatrist diagnosed Emotional Disorder.

I have never been alone. But I never made "frantic efforts" to avoid abandonment. I am very accepting about how people leave and relationships end.

I have always found someone else immediately.

I have a nice personality. I get along well with people. I am a good worker.

But, on the other hand, I can be pushed to be an emotional mess. I don't get along with horrible people. I tend to drop out of everything that I easily grow bored of or uncomfortable with.

I was such a good daughter and sister. My mother has been using and abusing me. I put my foot down, and my sisters won't stick up for me because they 1. Don't care about me, don't feel sorry for me because they envy that my h makes money and they don't have any. 2. Don't want to get involved because Mom will be abusive to them and don't want to have to step up and care for Mom themselves because Mom is a horrid b**ch!

And I was such a good wife until my h tormented me by withholding physical love and sex no matter how I told him it meant everything to me.

I honestly don't get this because this is like punishing himself as well! Since you have said he is a nice guy, he must need a shrink more than you do....

Obviously, I have my own unique problems, it is just that I have always considered "sex" as what is expected when you are married. Most of the time I am "game" but I have always felt like I should make an effort, when asked, whether I am in the mood or not. Though I do not ask as often, I still expect the same thing from guys as well....

I know it sounds illogical. He's either a massochist/sadist or extremely lazy with a low sex drive.

All of a sudden, he blamed it all on me at our last t session saying I rejected him every time he made an advance.

I just want to run away.

Sounds like he doesn't want to take responsibility.

He really never took much responsibility. The most he'd say is he played some part in it.

Sad and frustrating. I don't want to argue with any of these people any more. It did me no good.

I took responsibility for my part, I even took responsibility for more than that, I even accepted a diagnosis of 'emotional disorder'. I don't care who's to blame. I just want the pain to stop.

My sister wrote in her 'tough love' email to me the other day, "You constantly put me and my family down, even to our faces, but I don't take it to heart."

I'm blown away by this. I have no recollection of ever putting any of them down.

I'm so hurt and embarrassed, I'm just slinking away with my tail between my legs. Is that what she wanted? Why? I thought she loved me.

Well, no one has called since the falling out. I'm not calling either.

I wonder if they are feeling bad or am I the only one? What a cold, awful bunch of people we all are. Just like that, we are really all done.

Well, I guess it's all for the best. I need to just take care of myself and my kids.

I told them I was diagnosed with an emotional disorder. I asked for their help to heal the situation with Mom.

But I got a 'tough love' (which wasn't love at all) email telling me off. Things I had no idea I had done or what she was even talking about.

This just doesn't make sense to me.

But I have too much struggle and hatred for my mom and h. I know the problem is not all me. I just need to withdraw from them. Which I did.

My dad dropped me.

My sisters just really aren't 'for' me. They are not against me. They just don't really care. I can accept that.

What is family anyway? We gave each other a lot of phone calls. But when I needed real help, I was let down.

I made my sister a wedding at my house. I talked my mom out of moving to my sister's neighborhood last year because I knew she would destroy my sister's new marriage. I ran to my sister's side when she got divorced and went to the lawyer with her.

Oh well.... I'm feeling too much pain in my life.

I'll stop whining now and lift myself. I'll go find someone else to help.

As you have said, you are feeling very emotional and maybe need some quiet time? Or maybe finding someone else to help is good. I have no good answers for you but am hoping that you eventually feel better.

I called my sister. This family is unbelievable.

I asked what she meant about my cutting down her family. She said that I do. I asked for an example. She said I cut down my niece, calling her trash. I haven't even spoken to my niece hardly at all. I never said such a thing to her. Ok, I can remember a time she was going out wearing hardly any clothes and I must have said something about her being dressed inappropriately. She really does, though.

So my sister was adamant that she lashed out at me so I should get over the fight with Mom and let it go.

I said I'm never letting it go and I don't understand why this family would not back me up.

She asked (in a nasty, condescending way) what I want them to do. I said I wanted a discussion about it with mom to see why she waged a war like that on me. I said that she might have dimentia because this behavior is too crazy.

She said she doesn't have dimentia, that's just Mom. Get over it.

She said "When she's dead you can dance on her grave."

What a hateful, disgusting thing to say.

She said "When you get over it, call me." I said "Don't patronize me."

That was that.

In other words, allow mom to be abusive. Your whole family secretly hates and resents you, too. We do not care about you having an emotional disorder and self harming. We have no empathy for you.

She said "You have told us you don't want to talk to any of us, so don't". I said, "Ok, I won't"

So there it is.

She said "What do you want to hear Mom say, that (your sisters') lives are shyt and you are her favorite who saved her?"

Wow. Where did that hatred, jealousy, and resentment come from? See how much everyone in this family is harboring? Sick all around. Totally dysfunctional, abused family.

I'm outta here.

I am sorry it turned out like this. You keep emailing/calling; try to resist for a while. <<hugs>>

Yeah, I think there is a lot of gaslighting going on. You need to go totally no contact for a week at least. Don't even read their emails. Just put them aside to be read later. Don't respond to their calls,.just detach entirely and let yourself calm down and truly think about what has happened and find where YOU are in the situation and how you feel. Then, if you want, you can go back to reading the emails or calls with a new mindset.

They are not calling or emailing. They dropped me like a hot potato.

Thank you so much for the support and empathy. I so appreciate the feeling of friendship I get here.

I'll leave them all alone now. So sad.

Tisha, can you tell me how many siblings you have, birth order and male or female?

Two sisters, I am the baby by ten years. I stayed home the longest and was the only one raised with my step dad, like an only child.

Mom actually wrote a book, outright saying the other two daughters' lives were shyt when I married my h (of whom she approved). That's where my sister's angry comment came from.

I had nothing to do with that. Never made them feel I was better. I was so unhappy! Mom only approved for as long as it took her to rub it in their faces. Then she opposed me on everything and fought with me for 20 years!

Now I realize the 'approval' was for her own gain! Used and abused!

Calling mom just now wasn't a good idea.

I had intended to just say hello and quickly get off the phone. But it went down the path of the fall out.

She twists more than The Tasmanian Devil.

I told her to stop vilifying me (a term I learned here). She laid into me about how I am a bad person and should see that I am wrong.

What she is referring to is I should give and give without stipulation and keep taking disrespect and abuse.

I ended up with my last words to her being "I can't take the twisting words any more. Go twist in the wind, lady."

How disgraceful. I'm so ashamed and disgusted.

For someone who is OK with having a falling out with their family, you sure talk to them a lot. Just an observation, and when you talk to them it always seems to go poorly for you. Maybe some space from them would be a positive thing.

Touché

I'll not dial out again now.

No one is ever entirely ok with having a falling out with our families, although most often we do try to cope by convincing ourselves that it "is what it is" and we can't change it. The reason I see her posting about her family is because the inner desire for it to be something different while trying to accept that it's not going to change.. it's an ongoing battle for most of us.

Talking about it is a way with dealing with it.

Me, having been away from my entire external family (siblings and parents) a good 2 decades I still have issues with accepting that it is how it is at times.