I created another thread about how much I detest it when people use the excuse "too busy" with me to return my call, my email, or when they either won't commit to making plans, or will cancel plans at the last minute with me.

Today I confronted someone about their overuse of the "too busy" excuse via email. I was upfront and said that what "busy" means to me is, the other person wants to be let off the hook for not putting in effort into the friendship, and keeping me around for when they're bored. They even had the gall to write that I was one of their favorite people, and they tried to skirt over the fact that they've been blowing off my social invites for the past year. How dumb do they think I am?

I have my own set of "favorite people" and I would never tell them some b.s. like that. When I lived in another country, that had a different time zone of my friends, I STILL made the effort to keep in touch by calling friends on weekends at specific times, because I like to be consistent, and show them they are, and their time is, important to me. Oh, they deleted me from their Facebook after our email exchange on Facebook. Pfft.

So, when I confront someone who has stopped showing me that I'm a priority in their life, they try to deflect and blame me for their poor treatment of me. Not cool. Not mature. Not very respectful of me or my time. All I did was tell this person, that I didn't like the way they had downgraded me and I wanted to know why. I see no problem asking someone "hey, why are you always blowing me off?" Telling me how busy they are, isn't good enough because we're all busy. It's about priorities and options. We prioritize which relationships are important to us, and make people options, whose connections to us, aren't that important. Why would that be offensive to believe? It's true.

I was civil in my email, and clearly explained that I could see them making plans with others on Facebook, while they would message me that they're too busy. One recent example of an email from them, was to email me to say they were too busy to get together for the next 4 months and went on in great detail about their work schedule, which was just a smokescreen.

No one is too busy. It just depends on what number you are, on their priority list. Clearly, I was not even on this person's list of priorities and instead of acknowledging my point of view and being understanding, they reacted in anger and wrote a few choice words to me which just verified that I was right all along about this person. I hate it when I'm right!

[Open Eyes]

If you have to push them to this point to prove yourself right, then you should understand that when you have to do this, you ARE a low priority so stop investing your time in them and expecting them to change.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

If you have to push them to this point to prove yourself right, then you should understand that when you have to do this, you ARE a low priority so stop investing your time in them and expecting them to change.

You're right, of course. But I was tired of their stupid email excuses and I finally had enough. So, that's why I sent the email telling them that I was done with their excuses, and deserved to know where I stood on their list of priorities. They shot back, that I had no right to ask what position I am on their priority list, and accused me of judging them (total deflection move).

And it's not that I want people to change. It's just disappointing for me, to find out people I prioritize time for, don't want to reciprocate. Someone told me, the reason people aren't respectful and honest in these situations, is because its easier for them to be cowards, to avoid taking responsibility for downgrading the other person from priority to option.

I could be upfront with people about my expectations when I first meet them, telling them "I hate it when people use the busy excuse with me," but that seems to alienate pretty much everyone from wanting to be friends with me. I must be the only person I know, who doesn't use that excuse with people. I don't like to hurt people's feelings, so I'm always direct and honest with them. Some people obviously can't handle that. But why should I change who I am, if I can't change other people (and it's not my job to change other people).

But I'm fed up trying to find people who actually want to hang out with me.

I'm going to be upfront and honest with you the best I can...and I'm not at all trying to be insulting or upset you more than you already are.

Like I said earlier, if you need a certain thing from a relationship, it's your responsibility to communicate this to the person BEFORE you become friends. Then they can decide rather it's a need they can fulfill or not. It used to hurt me when people didn't answer me or want to hang out with me. I lived with a room mate for a year who was also my friend and for the longest time she refused let me go anywhere with her. It was hurtful, but I later realized that it was a difficult time in her life and she needed space, especially from me, because I can be annoying (just like everyone is, at times). BUT that didn't mean she didn't still love or care about me. I learned to not expect too much from her, and when she wasn't available I found someone else to talk to or just took time to myself. We're still friends to this day.

If this isn't something you can settle for, then it's absolutely your right to walk away. But know that there is no one in the world who can meet your needs all the time. You won't always be their main priority, and there will be times that they would prefer to hang out with someone else. It even happens with married couples-ever hear of a guy who wants to hang out with his buddies rather than stay home with his wife? It's normal, and in my opinion, quite healthy. Of course there might be SOME people who want to hang out more than these friends you had. Maybe those are the ones you should seek out, and let them know that's what you like to do, like I said.

Getting mad, though, is not rational. No one is "right" or "wrong" here. You are two different people with different needs. I sometimes avoid people. I don't always offer explanations either. If they can't accept that this is the way I am, then we just might not be compatible. That's all it is. If you need more than she can give, she isn't the right person for you.

Again, that's just my $00.2...trying to offer some insight.

Iphone thanks for your opinion. I was not offended by what you wrote at all.

Their angry reaction towards me, after I questioned them about why they always blow me off, was not rational. I think my anger and irritation was a reasonable response.

They had been blowing me off for a year, the last time I'd seen them in person, so it incensed me to receive their email that they wouldn't be in touch with me over the summer. Meanwhile, making plans with others via Facebook, which I could see, was very insulting to me. It showed that they did indeed have time in their busy schedule for others; they just chose not to prioritize time to hang out with me, so I called them on it and that made them mad.

Whatever they're going through with their life, is none of my business unless they choose to share it with me. I am not a mind reader, and should not be expected to walk on egg shells with someone who chooses not to share information with me. If someone doesn't tell me what they're thinking or feelings, it's not my job to try to anticipate what it is, because that would put me in a codependent role with that person, which is something I refuse to do. I am not a caretaker (anymore). People are responsible for themselves and their own behavior. I can't control how other people act with me; that's not my job.

I don't need anyone to meet my needs all of the time. But, I do expect everyone I am friends with, to respect my boundaries and to meet my expectations if they really want to be friends with me. And when they fail to meet my expectations (and violate my trust), to be mature enough to acknowledge it to me by communicating honestly with me. That really isn't asking a lot of a person.

If I tell someone I want to be friends with my boundary, "don't use the term 'busy' with me, because of these reasons...." then I expect them to respect that boundary. If I tell someone how their words or actions hurt me, and they respond by deflecting and shaming, that means the friendship is toxic, and one I should forgo. Because, a true friend, would own up to their behavior out of respect for their friend. Friends make mistakes and forgive each other and move on. Friendship isn't static. It doesn't stay the same; it either grows or it withers, due to life's circumstances.

Everyone has expectations and boundaries, and the people they are compatible with, meet those expectations, and respect those boundaries. That's my understanding of how interpersonal relationships have always functioned. So, I don't think it is unreasonable, to hold people accountable when their behavior lets me down; to tell them why I feel let down. If they choose to deflect and blame me, then they're definitely jerks and not worthy of my time anymore. But, if they are true friends, they will try to see things from my pov, apologize, and make amends. I don't think that's having high expectations. I think that is reasonable to expect from people who want to be friends with me.

And frankly, it's just tacky to make plans on Facebook with others, then lie to me via messaging that they are too busy to get together. That's just wrong.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

If you have to push them to this point to prove yourself right, then you should understand that when you have to do this, you ARE a low priority so stop investing your time in them and expecting them to change.

I agree with this. These people aren't worth your time or anger. Best wishes.