Mothers family feud affecting relationships

Hi all, its my first time posting here. I just wanted to get a fresh perspective on a long running family issue.

For the past 15 years in particular my mothers relationship with her only sister and some of her other siblings (family of 9 children, 2 now deceased) has completely deteriorated. There has been mental health issues in the family and she is not the only sibling to fall out with another, there seems to be all sorts of issues and I honestly don't know who is speaking to whom half the time. I am the eldest male of 5 children my mother had with my father who are both still together after 39 years despite having many problems with their marriage. My grandmother (mothers mum) is still alive.

The problem I have is my mother and father are very guarded about the issues and have never discussed openly with me or my siblings why she has fallen out with her siblings, particularly her sister. It became a taboo over the years and after her sister and brother had their own kids (my first cousins) things never improved. As a result myself and my siblings basically have no relationship with that aunt, uncle or their children, despite me personally having nothing against them as people and only having fond memories of them when we were younger. My relationship with my grandmother has also suffered as she lives close to my aunt.

The situation is particularly bothersome when a family occasion arises, such as a funeral last month, me and my siblings will inevitably bump into my aunt, uncle and their kids. I find this situation to be highly uncomfortable and do not know what to say or talk about. It is also embarrassing and a little sad that I don't know their kids, however we don't talk about this. Everyone just ignores the elephant in the room and skirts around the issue.

At my brothers wedding 4 years ago, again i found myself stressing on the day about the prospect of having to talk to people within this context and to make matters worse 1 uncle inadvertantly let it slip that I had a 22 year old first cousin that I was not aware of. She was borne out of a relationship between a deceased uncle and another woman. I was angry that I found out about that in such circumstances and did eventually bring it up with my parents.

They went on the defensive and said I was over reacting and that "they though I knew about that". My relationship with my parents has suffered after I brought that up as I also attempted to broach the subject of how there were so many taboos in the family generally. I'm at a loss now as to what to do and absolutely dread family occasions.

Any suggestions would be great. Am I overthinking the situation? Should I just play along with the charade at family events?

I would not venture to say what you should do in your specific family situation.

However, I will share with you how I handle such things in my own family, fwiw.

My approach within my family is to speak with whomever I want to if they are willing to speak with me. I do my best to establish friendly personal relationships with everyone.

With regard to your cousins, in my family I would want to say something like "I wish that we could see each other more." or "I always enjoyed speaking with you in years past." I would want to speak about school, work, etc., aiming to have what I take to be a normal conversation.

Hello mal500: I'm sorry I probably can't be of much help with regard to this. (Actually my wife & I have been married for the same number of years as your parents. However neither of us have any extended family of any consequence left. So extended family issues are not something I have a lot of experience with.) I also notice you live in South Korea. So I presume there may be some cultural aspects to this of which I would be unaware.

About the only thing I can say here is that what went on between your mother & her siblings is all stuff that is between them. It's not your place nor your responsibility to try to ventilate it. Having said that, I think Bill3's advice is sound. Speak to those family members who are willing to speak with you. Do your best to establish friendly personal relationships with everyone. But realize that there is family history here you cannot change. If the situation with the family simply causes you too much "dread"... my recommendation is... skip the family events.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Thanks for the replies guys. Yes I live in South Korea but am from England. I do miss quite a lot of family events as a result of that but I find generally it is difficult to make any real connection with my parents or extended family when I know everyone chooses to ignore the elephant in the room and not speak about why it is we haven't spoken. It all feels like a bit of a charade and I have never felt like I could speak openly to my paraents about my own personal issues in the past because the culture in the family is one of pretending everything is fine

Why do you need your parents' permission to talk to your cousins and aunt?

My family has a small feud, as well.. although I'm not involved at all in it.

Still, I can understand how you might feel :/

I don't need their permission to speak with aunts or cousins but as mothers relationship deteriorated with them everyone kind of drifted and it became less and less frequent that we'd see each other. I think at this stage if I was to go and try and build separate relationships, my mother would view it as going behind her back

What would she do if you did that?

I interpret this as in fact needing her permission.

I can so relate to your situation. The only advice I have to offer you is to follow your gut. If you want to reach out to your mother's estranged siblings (via email since you live in another country), then you should do so.

The fact that your parents and the rest of the extended relatives want to pretend the estrangement between your mother et al doesn't exist, is never going to change, unfortunately. It is definitely a charade and it sounds like your family culture is one of denial rather than open expression and honesty.

I'm estranged from several members of my family and as a result, know that I have nephews and nieces who will never know of my existence. I offered several olive branches ("let's attend family therapy to sort through our issues with each other") and was rejected. I too, come from a family culture of denial. It's much easier for my family to put on a charade of "everything is just fine and dandy" when it certainly is not.

I have emailed several family members whom I'm estranged from, to explain why I chose to distance myself from them, and explain what my conditions are, for them to follow, if they ever want to resume a relationship with me. They have yet to respond.

So, my family of origin is dysfunctional but I haven't let that stop me from seeking out emotionally supportive friendships that are healthy and as close as a family should be. I say, don't limit yourself to your family of origin. Seek out support from others elsewhere in your life. If your family of origin want to act like imbeciles and stay in denial and stalwart your efforts to repair broken communication lines, then original family be damned! They sound like stubborn fools, but that could be me just projecting.

At least you are not participating in that dysfunctional family culture of denial. Don't. It's bad for your well-being to perpetuate that toxicity. No regrets. That is what life is about.