Crushing guilt

This is going to be pretty long but I need to get it out.

I'm not sure where to begin but I guess I'll start with what happened 2 years ago. In 2015 I was struggling with my depression which still wreaked havoc on my life and every day was hell. So I spent a lot of time on the internet and different forums and eventually I fell into a conversation with someone who seemed to understand me. We decided to meet up and it felt good to be talking to someone for real. He was kind and open, but he was in a bad spot too so a few months later it all fell apart. It was an emotional rollercoaster too, because I misread his signals as if he wanted more. We stopped talking for about a year and then met up again as I was roaming the big city of my country alone, we went drinking and we both felt the spark again, but he was in a relationship. We split in the morning and said goodbye. Didn't talk again until he messaged me in January.
It was the usual conversation, how are you, how's life. Over the course of a few days it got deeper, more emotional. He told me that he regretted letting me go like that, that it was wrong not to tell me how he felt. He was single, they had broken up before Christmas and he said he missed me. I was cautious, I didn't really believe him and I didn't feel like going down memory lane, because for me, it would mean cutting up old wounds. I had moved on or so I thought. A few weeks passed with us chatting forth and back and I began to feel the poison spread, I felt animosity towards him because of what had happened. I remembered how he mislead me, though I had at first said it was me misreading him but I began to see things from another perspective, one where I was the victim. It eventually got so bad that I blinded myself and began to intentionally mislead him.

It came to the point where he told me that he was actually in dire need of help. He had lost his job and place and was facing a life on the streets. My hatred took over and I actually played him. I told him that I could offer housing soon and offered to help but I never followed through. I made false promises to help him and I knew what I was doing to him. He slept on the street and starved for days. I did this to him. Knowing that he was suffering.

It was beyond evil.

We stopped talking but just last week his friend got confused with an old message I sent her and we started again. He wants to forgive me. So, I decided to meet up with him and we sat together, eventually he began to talk about what I did to him and it was incredibly hard for us both. I listened to him for about an hour until the questions came. I answered them truthfully and some of the answers were hard for him to hear, but he thanked me for being honest.

We spent in total 3 days together, talked about it all. He had gotten a place to stay and a new job, but he was living with out of a suitcase.

It wasn't until I got back on the train that it all struck me. The seriousness of it all, the consequences of my actions towards him. I burst into tears on the train and I didn't stop crying until a few days ago. It hurts. And I'm struggling to understand why and how he could possibly forgive me. He says he wants me in his life, he says he loves me.

I just can't see how I could move on from this. The guilt is crushing me and I actually just want to disappear. I'm feeling such hatred towards myself and I told him this. I want to hurt myself and I want to see myself destroyed.

I'm not the victim here and I actually just wish he'd take revenge on me and move on with his life without me in it, but that would be the easy way out of this for me, not him. It would be for me. It's such a mess.

I don't know what to do.

The fact that either of you hurt the other does not justify retaliation, but is he owning up to his prior mis-treatment of you? The fact that you had retaliated does not release him from that responsibility, and you owe him nothing beyond honesty as an amend.

Perhaps you just need to talk/post about it and really feel/acknowledge how hurtful the whole experience was. Eventually, the pain will die down and revisit on a less frequent basis. Having gone through that would make me very hesitant about getting involved with him again. You were honest with him. A lot of people in your situation aren't. You can feel good about that....

Is there anything you can do for him that would be nice? Have you asked him?

I wish people who had hurt my had been as honest and apologetic as you have been. I'd say you're ahead of most people in that regard.

It seems to me there are really two decisions here: 1) what can you do to make up for what you did and 2) do you want to continue a relationship with him.

For 1), perhaps you can just tell him you're genuinely sorry and you want to try to make it up. Talk with him about the problems your choices created and how you can do something about those problems. But also be honest with yourself about if you owe him anything. I know it's never as simple as saying "we're even" but if you really feel like he mistreated you, maybe its a viable option to just apologize for your part in the problems and say that you both made a mess of things.

For 2), that's a pretty sticky situation and there's assuredly no easy answer. However, dealing with 1) would probably go a long way towards dealing with 2).

You're being more honest than most people about mistakes. Try not to beat yourself up.

Tough situation, I'm sorry you feel this way. It's good that you were honest. I think the only thing to do is move on from this, even if it seems impossible. Start a new chapter, with or without him is up to you. He has forgiven you and that's his choice. You can't change the past, right? So take the time you have now and better yourself. We all only have such a short amount of time, it's impossible not to make mistakes and you've acknowleged that you made a mistake. That's great. So you can actively work towards not being that person again, time changes everything. Stay strong

Forgive yourself. We all make poor decisions at some point in our life. No one is perfct that was a confusing relationship with unclear boundaries. I'm not condoning your "revenge" but please don't fret over it.

People repeatedly abuse and mistreat people they "love" over and over. Every day, years. These are people that ... seriously mistreat others in life-changing ways. This isn't you.

I do think it's an unhealthy relationship and you might consider parting ways in a cordial manner.

Free yourself of guilt and take care. See a therapist and talk about it if you keep worrying about it.