[Rodgers011]

I have been married for 6 months now and have been some serious anxiety that has manifested into depression. I have spent most of my single life dating around and having very short term relationships. In my past I have dated women, broke up with them and then came back. I've done this so many times. I got engaged because I turned 30 and felt like it was the right time. Anxiety does run in my family so I've had a hard time identifying the problem. I feel if we separated Inwould feel less pressure and be a little happier but I know in a short time I would regret the decision. I honestly feel trapped and have expressed all this to my wife. We just started going to couples therapy but I don't want to waist her time if it's wrong. I feel more relaxed sitting around with my family than I do being out to dinner with my wife. I just don't know if I'm in a bad pattern or if I just rushed this marriage. If it's a bad pattern is there hope and will my feelings towards her change?

[Bill3]

What were your feelings toward her before you got married?

Why did you get married Rodgers, if you feel trapped? It doesn't sound like you really wanted to get married. Maybe couples counseling will reveal that. And there is nothing wrong with annulling the marriage or getting a divorce if your wife isn't the person you truly want to be with.

My cousin married his first wife, even though deep down he knew she wasn't truly the right person for him. He even had doubts on his wedding day and planned to call off his wedding. But he went through it with to PLEASE OTHERS. He suffered severe anxiety and panic attacks, and the couples therapy that they attended failed. He divorced his wife, she stalked him, threatened him at his place of work, and then he went to live with his parents for two years to recover. Finally, he left his parents' home, got a new job, and met his second wife whom he has a child with now. He knew from their first date that she was "the one." He's never had any panic attacks or anxiety that are related to his marriage to his second wife.

If you know deep down that this marriage was a mistake, then you need to be true to yourself and tell your wife that. She will understand. She will be upset. She will be angry, etc., but you can't stay married to her to please her, if that's not your true path.

Divorce isn't a tragedy. A tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage. Nobody ever died of divorce.

[Rodgers011]

I'm not completely sure why I got married. I felt like it was the "right" time. She is an amazing woman and she is beautiful. But oddly I don't even feel like touching her. There were times when I felt stressed over everything but it went away quickly. I'm confused because I've had these feelings in all my relationships. I'm afraid that I have some real commitment issues and I will regret my decision to leave. Not that it matters but my family thinks I will regret this for my entire life. We just started couples therapy yesterday

Hmm. Well, the first red flag I see is that you don't know why you got married. Marriage is a huge commitment. And if you already have commitment issues with your relationships, I feel like you just walked into a ticking time bomb that is waiting to explode. I think people should only marry when they know "why" they are doing it; to be with their soul mate, to raise a family, etc.

The only person's opinion that matters is yours. This is your life. Only you can decide what is best for you and the path that you take. See if couples therapy helps bring some clarity to your commitment issues and your anxiety attacks. I have a feeling that you already know the answer deep down, but need some help getting to that answer.

[Nammu]

I'm not sure couples therapy is the way to go...it sounds like this is your issue and something you need to work on with your own T. Perhaps both would be good.

[jkrs08]

Originally Posted by Rodgers011

I have been married for 6 months now and have been some serious anxiety that has manifested into depression. I have spent most of my single life dating around and having very short term relationships. In my past I have dated women, broke up with them and then came back. I've done this so many times. I got engaged because I turned 30 and felt like it was the right time. Anxiety does run in my family so I've had a hard time identifying the problem. I feel if we separated Inwould feel less pressure and be a little happier but I know in a short time I would regret the decision. I honestly feel trapped and have expressed all this to my wife. We just started going to couples therapy but I don't want to waist her time if it's wrong. I feel more relaxed sitting around with my family than I do being out to dinner with my wife. I just don't know if I'm in a bad pattern or if I just rushed this marriage. If it's a bad pattern is there hope and will my feelings towards her change?

In my opinion, your not being fair to yourself or your wife to have made such a commitment and then be so flippant about wanting to give up on you both so soon. The first year can be hard , like any year, its too easy to walk away, maybe for once in your life try a different solution and just be happy with what you have

[Bill3]

I agree with Nammu.

[Crazy Hitch]

Oops ... she's beautiful and you don't want to touch her?

There's something serious going on there.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah, I believe you may need to find peace with yourself first, and then decide what you want to do with your life.. it looks like you've married her because you felt you've "had to". I'd think about that..

[Artchic528]

I feel you got married for all the wrong reasons. Marriage should be about love, and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone because you can't imagine life without them. That sort of thing.

You got married because you felt it was something you should do because of your age. Why should age even be a factor in marriage? I would take some time to examine exactly how you feel about your wife and if you truly want to spend the rest of your life with her.

[Rose76]

Actually, getting married because you think "it's time" is pretty common, I believe. I also think that men who stay single up to the age of 30 have a hard time with a permanent commitment. When I was 30, myself, and still single, I found that I preferred dating men over 30 who were divorced, rather than men who had bever married. Men in the latter group seemed to have not matured as much, since there's a lot of what I call "normal" experiences that they hadn't had. I particularly liked nen who had married and had children young because they just seemed to have more warmth and knowledge about life.

So I'm not surprised at you having difficulty adjusting. You were used to always having an exit door in relationships. And you tended to go through it at the first sign of discomfort in a relationship. That's actually a level of functioning that is normal for a teenager but not for a man over age 25. I think you showed wisdom in deciding to stop the old pattern of "love em and leave em."

Every study ever done shows that married men are happier, healthier and live longer than men who are perpetual bachelors. Of course you're having commitment issues, since you had a well-established pattern of not commiting.

I think most people new to a serious commitment - like marriage - hit a point when "the honeymoon is over" and start to think, "What did I get myself into?" Six months into marriage you were about due for that.

I would say that you should trust yourself and your judgement more. You decided to make this "leap of faith" with a woman who sounds like a good catch. You have yet to experience a lot of the wonderful things about having someone there for you through thick and thin. Maybe, you don't like any friction and were used to leaving women when any problem came up. Now you have to work through it with her. That will challenge you, but you will learn as all successful couples learn - that couples have their ups and downs. They get mad and say things, but life goes on. You'll come to realize that she and you can get over things. Thus is what I mean about people who've been married having more maturity. Therapy can't fix everything. But therapists got to make a living and they'll probably always tell you that you need therapy. Mainly, you need experience in the art of being a husband. You don't learn it all in 6 months. She has things to learn too.

I'ld strongly encourage you to not go driving yourself nuts by second-guessing your decision to marry. Put that mental energy into figuring out how to make things work. Married people don't go around consumed with sexual passion all the time. You're learning that simple reality. But the trust and friendship grow, if you try to care for each other.

My advice is: hang in there. Act loving, even when you may feel bored. That's one of the secrets. Don't give up before you've even really given it a chance.

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I also think that men who stay single up to the age of 30 have a hard time with a permanent commitment.

Seriously?

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Shadix

Seriously?

Very seriously.

Think about it. By the time a guy is 30, he's been out of school for a few years (usually) and he's long gotten tired of living with Mom and Dad (unless he's a millenial.) Unless he's pathologically shy, or a hermit, he's been involved with a string of women, by that stage of the game. He's managed to dump them, one after another, and/or they have dumped him. Either way, what he's looking for in a relationship is apt not to be what most women are looking for. He's a guy who tends to take off, or gets sent packing.

This is going to sound horribly judgemental, but when I was 31, I came up with the following theory: A guy over 30, who's never been married has one of the following issues - He's too involved with his mother, or he's too jealous of his wallet, or he's so vain he thinks no woman is good enough . . . or he needs to come out of the closet (maybe to himself.) It all kind of boils down to not wanting to commit to a women.

There's a saying I came across (in a women's magazine.) This is, also, horribly judgemental: "Women over 30 who are still single are the cream of the crop, while men over 30 who are still single are the bottom of the barrel."

Originally Posted by Rose76

Very seriously.

Think about it. By the time a guy is 30, he's been out of school for a few years (usually) and he's long gotten tired of living with Mom and Dad (unless he's a millenial.)

What do you mean unless he's a millenial? I am a millenial and I hated living with my parents even in my early 20s and I couldn't picture myself doing it until my 30s haha.

I'm 25 and single because I want to focus on my passions and get my life in order and I'm pretty sure that I will likely be at least 27-30 before I get anywhere even remotely ready for a relationship.

There's nothing wrong with being a man in his 30s who's single. If nothing else, I think it's better to wait until you're in your late 20s or 30s to get into a relationship than your early 20s because if you are in your late 20s or 30s, you should be making more of an income and have your career figured out which would mean that you would likely be more responsible and have the income to support a healthy relationship while enjoying it to it's fullest. Furthermore, the human brain doesn't finish fully developing until one is 25 so there is that.

Not to mention, plenty of us guys fawn over girls in their early 20s that are in their height of beauty so what better time to take advantage of that than when you're 10 years older so you can enjoy that physical aspect of the relationship longer

[Rose76]

I looked up stats on what age men are marrying. It is later than it used to be, but not true that most men marry after age 30. Slightly less than half of men wait that long. This Map Shows The Average Marrying Age Around The World | The Huffington Post

I suppose I have to be a bit blunt. Men who've stayed single past the age of 30 have gotten in the habit of getting their sexual appetite satisfied in the context of casual relationships, one night stands, and often with women who are quite loose. Ten years, or so, of doing that can be a hard habit to break. Fidelity may be a bigger struggle for these men. They've grown accustomed to thinking of sex as a physical function, rather than as an expression of deep feeling. I don't say this is all men. But I would apply it to men who are attractive and socially confident. Such men have gotten used to getting a roll in the hay in exchange for dinner and a few drinks. A decade of doing that, I believe, has a corrupting effect on a man's attitude toward women. It also allows a man to stay at a lower level of emotional maturity than would be possible were the man meeting the demands of a commited relationship. We live in an age where casual sex is available readily. I'm no prude and never lived like a nun, myself, but I think too many years of casual sex desensitizes a person, especially a man. The man gets used to remaining emotionally at a distance from the women he goes to bed with. I think that coarsens a man's nature. Or the man spends too much time looking at men's magazines and pornographic videos, and that becomes a habit that's hard to break.

[Rose76]

So Darkness, are you still living with your parents?

Some statistics

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf#page14
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
Facts and Figures | For Your Marriage
https://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/ar...attainment.htm

Originally Posted by Rose76

So Darkness, are you still living with your parents?

No. I live alone in a modest studio apt. actually.

Oh and I was homeless last year.

I don't appreciate the generalizing. Thanks!

One statistic that I do remember reading about a few years ago is that less people of both genders are getting married and staying married for more than a few years. I think the article said something about 23% less people below age 30 are getting married in the 2000s and 2010s than they were in the 80s and 90s.

I will check out those sources that were posted later today but I have to leave shortly and I don't use PC on my smartphone due to privacy concerns.

[Rose76]

Women are more likely than men to want a dating relationship to lead to a commited relationship. (Mathematically, that's why the average age at marriage is lower for women than it is for men.) Men are more likely than women to abandon a relationship because they "don't want to get serious."

This wanting sex without responsibility is, IMO, a sign of immaturity. The longer it goes on, the more a man gets in the habit of living as a perpetual adolescent.

[s4ndm4n2006]

There's really not much information here to go on to say whether it's the wrong woman or your own commitment issues. There are signs that you got married prematurely but the fact that you did is one that seems to go against the idea of commitment issues since making the leap into marriage is one that actually takes quite the commitment to do. I mean marriage in and of itself is a commitment and most people who fear commitment if they get engaged end up not following through with it to avoid that commitment.

I think the only obvious point here is that you may have gotten married for the wrong reasons. What I also say based on your past with other women, and short lived relationships that are hot and cold, you are an emotion based person. you may leave relationships quickly because the fire that comes with new lovers fades a bit pretty quickly. Once that's gone, you have left. This probably is the same cycle happening with your relationship now only this time you tied the knot.

Since I don't need to leave just yet, I read a few of the articles posted here including the one just posted by Rose and while I understand where they're coming from, I don't fully agree with them.

These articles seem to assume the man in question is part of the majority (grew up with stable families, followers of faith and God, no significant hardships in their lives, particularly during childhood, white picket fence, ECT), which in turn, doesn't apply to everybody.

I personally don't desire a "normal" life with a wife and kids and everything else; in fact, I don't want kids at all because I don't want to have to sacrifice my own personal self interest to take care of another person. I also don't want marriage because I want to focus more on my entrepreneurial goals and when I eventually become a millionaire (which I fully intend on doing before I am age 30), I refuse to get married because I don't want the wife coming in and divorcing me and taking half of the assets that I earn.

Not to mention, I'm both a heavy introvert (INTJ personality type in particular which is 2% of the population) and a heavy gamer which is a hobby that I am so serious about that I plan on starting a video game company, an eSports team, or a company that manufactures game systems or hardware one day. I'm also heavy into things like anime and cosplay and other more "nerdy" things that the majority couldn't care less about and since these are among the few things that bring me joy, I refuse to sacrifice doing them for a stupid relationship.

I'm also an Atheist who believes that organized religion is a scam that the rich use to enslave the poor so that belief alone is the polar opposite of what this guide entails the "perfect married man" to be.

So yeah, these articles that ASSUME that every human being is wired the same way and needs the same things are flawed indeed.

[Rose76]

As I said, men who remain unmarried beyond the age of 30, tend to be "wired' differently from men who don't. I suspect, Darkness, that you will have little difficulty avoiding marriage for a long, long time to come.

In summation, men who stay single into their thirties tend to be overly close to their moms, or tight with their wallets or in love with themselves.

So, Darkness, you're afraid of - let's see - how did you put it?

"I don't want kids at all because I don't want to have to sacrifice my own personal self interest to take care of another person. . . . . I refuse to get married because I don't want the wife coming in and divorcing me and taking half of the assets that I earn."

Thank you for perfectly illustrating my thesis.

What a loss to women . . . you running around with all those millions.

Not like it matters Rose. Personally, I fail to understand why you feel the need to start arguments with people here when it does little to benefit you. It makes you look like a rather washed up bitter person in which, most people don't like.

If anything, your constant ravings about your statistics and opinions are likely not helping the OP with his problem and if anything, they are probably making him feel worse by affirming his unhealthy belief that he needs to be married at 30 even if he isn't happy with his marriage.

So just for the sake of diplomacy, lets stop arguing because if we continue, it will only end with both of us getting our PC accounts suspended.

Thanks!