[LadyShadow]

Hey there everyone,

So it's just one of those run of the mill things. Go on a dating site, check you inbox, check your messages, see someone messaged you, check out their profile, seems legit, message back and forth a couple of times, you exchange phone numbers, then BOOM he drops a bomb on you that he did 15 years for murder. And it's not just any murder, it was a DOUBLE murder In which he killed both his parents. Holy hell.

Now, so many things are going through my mind. I like the guy, he seems genuine, and he didn't have to tell me all this stuff up front, but he did. He is also bipolar, just like me too. We share a lot of the same interests, and we have a lot in common, especially the bipolar part. The crime was in 2002 and he has been out for a few years after he plead insanity, (he was diagnosed with schizophrenia too), but when he spoke he seemed fine to me.

I guess I know I have to be cautious. He takes his medication and he goes to several group programs and therapy as well taking some classes. He is just trying to get his life together. I mean when I was 22 I was manic as hell, getting arrested for a slew of things, but I never went as far as murder. Can I deal with talking to someone who is?

It is really early in the dating process as we are just getting to know each other, but would you be scared? Would you consider it? Am I just setting myself up for a dangerous situation? I mean he did come right out and tell me everything right away, I mean doesn't that count for something? I really don't know what to do.

Any advice is appreciated.

It's absolutely your call, but me personally? No way. I'd be running from that relationship very quickly.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'd personally be scared as hell.. but it's your choice. Just be safe, ok?

Did he have a good reason to kill his parents such as them being severely abusive towards him or another family member? If so, then I don't see any real reason to worry especially since he did the time already and he's being open and honest to you up front.

Otherwise, you have good cause to worry.

Personally I would run fast. But it's up to you. Just be safe.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Did he have a good reason to kill his parents such as them being severely abusive towards him or another family member? If so, then I don't see any real reason to worry especially since he did the time already and he's being open and honest to you up front.

Otherwise, you have good cause to worry.

Well I haven't spoken about it in detail with him yet, because well I am uneasy about it. All I read was the article about the case. From what I read, it just said he problems with them, but he was deeply disturbed years ago.

I am scared yes, but do I hold it against him? I mean don't people deserve forgiveness? I am a forgiving person but I am conflicted.

I think I know what the right thing to do here is, but a part of me feels bad because I remember what it was like to be shunned because of my behavior. I have done some horrible things in my past, granted nothing as bad as this but I would hate to be judged for it.

I am just so confused.

[s4ndm4n2006]

walk away. that's my take. not sure how this red flag isn't anything but a way for you to dodge the proverbial bullet here. Take the opportunity to get away while you can.

need to elaborate. First if this is real, and he truly is an ex con you have to wonder what his motivation for telling you right off the bat was. So... most people who are ex cons of any kind don't tell people these things in their first meetings. It just isn't normal behavior in my mind. So then you have to wonder what the motivation is.

You are trying to woo a girl to date you. So you tell her you're a murderer and ex con. hmm Idk something seems really off about this.

The alternative is what I've actually experienced myself from people on line. There are some that are serious deceivers in that they are nothing at all what they portray to be. In fact some will make up elaborate stories for who knows what reasons, add drama in their life that doesn't exist. I have yet to figure it out but having been connected with an online person who feigned near death experience, sickness, and other various drama in her life, I know it's possible for people to do this. I think it's a rush for them to actually get someone to believe in their outrageous stories, worry aobut them etc. This could be going on here, but
in either case I don't see this as a label for this guy that says "date-able" at all.

[Talthybius]

Some people are attracted to men that have proven to be able to commit murder. A lot of famous murderers that are in jail get messages from admirers. Why do I say that? Because you give a lot of excuses why to like him. Why? You are trying to find the ideal mate Why, out of all people that aren't murderes, would you pick him?

Also, he didn't just murder his own parents. He also spend 15 years in jail. If something wasn't wrong with him when he went in, something is wrong with him now. Even if he never did it.

I find this whole idea strange to consider. No female has ever shown affection for me, including my mother. Yet there are females out there who would consider a murderer. Because if they don't do it, they will be alone forever?

That just doesn't compute in my mind. Find someone extremely unexiting and average who isn't a murderer.

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Well I haven't spoken about it in detail with him yet, because well I am uneasy about it. All I read was the article about the case. From what I read, it just said he problems with them, but he was deeply disturbed years ago.

I am scared yes, but do I hold it against him? I mean don't people deserve forgiveness? I am a forgiving person but I am conflicted.

I think I know what the right thing to do here is, but a part of me feels bad because I remember what it was like to be shunned because of my behavior. I have done some horrible things in my past, granted nothing as bad as this but I would hate to be judged for it.

I am just so confused.

The emotional side of me says at least give him a chance considering the fact that he admitted it to you and considering he had problems with his parents; especially if his parents were abusive to him. While I haven't murdered anybody, I have done things in my past that many would deem unforgivable, yet all I desire deep down is acceptance by others so I can relate with that guy.

As long as he's stable now and he's regularly seeing a doctor or therapist or treatment via some other way, I don't see an issue with at least accepting him even if you take your time with it and move slowly.

At the same time, the hardened survivor inside of me says to run and avoid him at all costs just in case he is still has problems controlling his mood or impulses so there is that.

None of us here can make the decision for you so I hope you make a good one.

Oh and speaking from experience, just because somebody is capable of a crime such as murder doesn't automatically make them evil despite what the media and society as a whole might think.

I've known a couple of people who are easily capable of such things including a woman a couple of years ago who actually tried to murder her own severely abusive alcoholic mother by attempting to poison one of her drinks but failed and yet, I learned more about how to improve myself and my problems through her than I ever did through a "normal" person, especially therapists so there's that.

So trust your own instincts and not the law nor what other people (including him) say and go from there.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Oh and speaking from experience, just because somebody is capable of a crime such as murder doesn't automatically make them evil despite what the media and society as a whole might think.

I've known a couple of people who are easily capable of such things including a woman a couple of years ago who actually tried to murder her own severely abusive alcoholic mother by attempting to poison one of her drinks but failed and yet, I learned more about how to improve myself and my problems through her than I ever did through a "normal" person, especially therapists so there's that.

So trust your own instincts and not the law nor what other people (including him) say and go from there.

I understand your points about being "capable" of committing a crime vs actually doing that but in this case, the first challenge to overcome is not that it's questioning whether he's capable but the crime itself was actually committed. This does not guarantee that he will do it again, true but how much more likely is someone that has gone down that crime route before will commit again vs someone who has never committed this or other major crimes? Second challenge is overcoming the idea that actually committing murder is something that is extreme enough that one has to cross a certain barrier of conscience to do this. And this just another person, let alone one's own parents which again crosses even more barriers that most all of us have in place keeping us in line.

I am not minimizing that one can be reformed to a point, but many of us here just have enough problems overcoming past traumas that don't even involve death, and have been fighting changing and overcoming these things for years. I myself am just not able to reconcile this idea that there is no serious damage to this person's conscience and mental health even if it never results in another murderous act.

Your points have some weight, but I'm just saying in this case it might not be quite as simple.

Please take good care. It's your call, of course, but either way (if he's telling the truth or not, like s4nd says) he sounds like he has a lot of baggage.

Personally I would never even consider dating a murderer… I feel like you can't forgive someone for taking another's life, much less two. Why would someone kill another anyways? To me that makes him a bad person no matter what he is doing now. He can't change what he has done… Tell me what is it in him that you see? Also before going to far… if this guy is a murderer, what else has he done? And remember he may have lied to you before too…

Also I have heard of criminals boasting about what they did… Because it gives them a sense of worth… they might actually feel proud of what they did. That's why a lot of them do tell… so maybe that's not that odd he told you in the first place…

Make sure you keep it clear to him that you are not okay with murder… and I wouldn't be so easy to forgive, what if it's you he wants to murder next… or your family?

I'm not trying to scare you, just a little worried for you. Please stay safe and remember you don't HAVE to chose him… even if he tries to force you. If he becomes defensive or controlling because he will do anything to keep you… that is another bad sign and you need to get away fast.

[LiteraryLark]

Oh hell no.

[Erebos]

I have been in a very very similar situation.
If you would like to pm me I can tell you how I dealt with it and how things worked out .

[Mike_J]

First thought RUN, but you do make a good point about forgiving others and I do believe in second chances.

But I would brace yourself and sit down and ask him some tough questions.

What makes him a different person now than the one who was capable of killing his parents?

Is he getting ongoing treatment? (if not seriously RUN!)

With that in his record what are his realistic chances of finding/keeping a decent job and supporting himself? Feelings are great but relationships also have a practical side, you need to think about that too.

And I would ask your therapist to give you advice on other things to ask.

Also have him take off his shirt and pants (not to fool around) and have him explain the meaning of the tattoos he has, and why he got them, then do a bit of research online to see if what he says they mean is really what they mean. And yes people have to do some undesirable things to survive in prison, so his tattoos may not reflect his real feelings on things, but he will likely have a lot of explaining to do. If he is any sort of a person you might want to continue to see, he will understand that his revelation gave you a big shock, and that you need some time to think and process things, his reaction to that will tell you a lot as well. If he gets upset RUN, if he is understanding and willing to do what he can to alleviate your concerns then maybe, just maybe you could proceed slowly.

[~Christina]

I would never be able to even try a relationship with this person, stay safe

[Talthybius]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

The emotional side of me says at least give him a chance considering the fact that he admitted it to you ...

Yes, if she rejects him based on this, next time he won't tell the person he is dating. He may be forced to lie to keep dating. But is that really your problem?

The fact that he murdered his parents must mean he is completely ****ed up. Those people raised him and learned him all his basic abilities. Be it restraint, moral compass, how to get in an argument and how to resolve it, responsibilities, etc etc.

I find it strange that people bring up that one should ignore the law and follow your own instincts. What does the law have to do with this? You can get in a fight with an equal, where both agree to fight, and illegally kill someone and get a murder conviction. Or murder someone for a greater good. But this person murdered his parents.

And I wouldn't worry about him being lonely forever. There is going to be someone else attracted by his ****ed-up-ness.

Find someone boring instead.

[Shikaka87]

If that guy is capable of killing his parents, he's capable of killing anyone he loves. That includes you or future children. Run.

[TishaBuv]

I give him credit for being honest with you about that right up front. If you know his full name, you can google him and read about the crime.

This is definitely a seriously damaged guy. Killing both your parents due to insanity... Do you need this?

[RubyRae]

Something to consider is whether he murdered anyone else.It may not have been the first time,may just have been the first time he was caught.There's the possibility he could be a serial killer but you wouldn't know because it's not something he would tell you.I say this because my father was a serial rapist and was only caught and put in prison one time.It didn't mean it was the only rape,just the only time he got caught.

Something else is just because he did his time it doesn't mean he has been rehabilitated.It could just mean that he will be more careful about being caught.My father just went to different states after being released.

And lastly,being in prison for that many years changes a person,they become institutionalized,they have a hard time adapting to life on the outside,the way they have lived in prison,constantly in survival mode doesn't just go away and they resort to the same behavior in stressful times,it becomes their natural instinct.And being mentally ill on top of that,it sure sounds like a dangerous risk to take.

It's your life and you are free to make your own decision but just remember if a man can kill his parents,regardless of the reason,killing a friend,girlfriend,spouse,whatever,would be nothing to him really.And if it was because of his mental illness,there's no guarantee he won't become that ill again.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[divine1966]

No thanks. If he killed because of his insanity then he maybe he would do it again. Yeah. He just got out of prison. Not enough time outside to even know how he can act

Who knows who will be his next victim. Are you planning on having kids? Or have nieces or nephews? You are going to bring this man home? To your parents?

I have been desperate for a man at some point in my life, but that's an extreme case. I don't believe anyone needs a man that bad.

And as someone suggested look him up and read details of a murder.

You decide what's right for you. Be safe.

[LadyShadow]

I want to thank everyone for their wonderful advice here on this board. Luckily, as fate would have it, I had my therapy appointment today and we had a long hard talk about it. My therapist made some great points in saying that the most important in this whole thing is ME. I have enough trouble dealing with my own mess, my bipolar, disability, a job, my future, how to cope, how to survive each day myself. Put ME first he said.

That being said, and with everything I have read on this thread I think everyone is absolutely right. My therapist said "I know you Lynn, I have known you for ten years, you have a huge heart and a person like you would do anything to help another human being no matter what they have done." And he is absolutely right. I may not be a mother, but I sure have the instinct for it. Everything in me told me to "help this man" when he first told me. It was my gut instinct. But the more I thought about it, the more I let it sit in my mind, and especially now with all these wonderful responses from the people who care about me on this board, I am going to stop all contact with him.

Yes, I have his first and last name, and yes I read the article. It was pretty brutal. I actually ached inside after reading it several times. I am not judging him, but I couldn't bring myself to accept this man. He may deserve a second chance to live a happy life, but not with me. Not with me.

Thank you again for everyone who contributed to this thread. It made my decision to leave him be that much easier.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

I want to thank everyone for their wonderful advice here on this board. Luckily, as fate would have it, I had my therapy appointment today and we had a long hard talk about it. My therapist made some great points in saying that the most important in this whole thing is ME. I have enough trouble dealing with my own mess, my bipolar, disability, a job, my future, how to cope, how to survive each day myself. Put ME first he said.

That being said, and with everything I have read on this thread I think everyone is absolutely right. My therapist said "I know you Lynn, I have known you for ten years, you have a huge heart and a person like you would do anything to help another human being no matter what they have done." And he is absolutely right. I may not be a mother, but I sure have the instinct for it. Everything in me told me to "help this man" when he first told me. It was my gut instinct. But the more I thought about it, the more I let it sit in my mind, and especially now with all these wonderful responses from the people who care about me on this board, I am going to stop all contact with him.

Yes, I have his first and last name, and yes I read the article. It was pretty brutal. I actually ached inside after reading it several times. I am not judging him, but I couldn't bring myself to accept this man. He may deserve a second chance to live a happy life, but not with me. Not with me.

Thank you again for everyone who contributed to this thread. It made my decision to leave him be that much easier.

Omg I read through all these replies before I got to this one ... I was so worried about you, worried for you, worried about what your future may look like ...

You absolutely made the right choice

I'm glad you took a step to protect yourself even though I kinda feel bad for the guy. Always put your health first.

Maybe one day humanity will grow up and learn to put more of an emphasis on rehabilitating those who commit crimes (especially crimes committed due to some type of trauma or mental illness) and forgiving them no matter how major instead of simply throwing out harsh punishments all of the time which serve no real practical purpose.

We humans have a lot of growing up to do.