[Butterflygirl]

This is for people in love with an abusive partner who are ambivalent about leaving . . .

When I went into counseling to fix my abusive marriage, I was told by my therapist that I was codependent. “What does that mean?” I asked. “It means you love too much,” he replied. “How can you love too much?” I cried. “Aren’t we supposed to love each other unconditionally? “Not always,” he replied. I was dumbfounded.

My therapist went on to suggest that I get a divorce. I refused. I wanted to honor my marriage vows, and so I stayed married to my husband. “I will just keep loving him unconditionally,” I thought to myself, “and that will heal him and our marriage.” Unfortunately, the more I loved my husband unconditionally, the more abusive he got. He gave new meaning to the expression, “biting the hand that feeds you.”

Eventually, I realized I was putting my children in danger by staying married to this man and so I divorced him. Then I spent years going to a support group for codependent women trying to figure out whether unconditional love was good or bad. What were my conclusions? Well, today, I believe that unconditional love is good and important, but that it is not always the best course of action. Sometimes, to love someone, you must place conditions are your good will. Marriage would be an example. Love in a marriage should be reciprocal—flowing in both directions.

Furthermore, while I might have to place conditions on my good will, I do not have to give up the “love” part of unconditional love. By this I mean that I do not have to give up the tenderness I felt for my husband—the feelings that led me to “bear all things” for so long. But the feeling of love cannot always be accompanied by turning the other cheek. That cheek can get pretty swollen. Sometimes we have to take a step backward and love from a distance. We have to say to our partners, “I will love you without conditions, but I will not live with you. If you respect me and treat me well, I will stick with you through the bad times. If you abuse me, I will have to abandon the marriage.”

Saying that unconditional love is important but not always practical is not easy. I don’t want to abandon the ideal of “bearing all things” in the name of love. However, I will say that I am happier and more fulfilled now that I realize I deserve to receive love as well as give it.

[(JD)]

I'm glad that you are safe now, and your children. Holding unconditional love doesn't mean you can't do it from a distance.

[withit]

Well written post, Butterflygirl! Seems you have evolved into a beautiful butterfly....

I used to think I needed to accept people unconditionally. I'm slowly learning I needn't. A healthy dose of narcissism has its place.

[Fuzzybear]

[eskielover]

The only unconditional love I have honestly ever experienced is with my doggies & my horses. I think my 4 legged family provides the only understanding of unconditional love that I can ever imagine.

There isn't a person on this earth that I can honestly say I love. Even when I got married, what I thought was love then, really wasn't. It was just 2 people living together, coexisting & tolerating each other.

I don't know about the love from my parents.....it was kind of there, only I didn't feel anything special. We just seemed to function together as people. I know that I was always there when my Mother or Father needed me (I was the only child).....maybe that was love....maybe I just felt that I owed my caring to them because they cared for me when I was growing up. I know when my Mother would get strange....I would let her know she couldn't get away with it & would let her know that when she got herself together, I would be glad to be there for her, but until then....she needed to stay away. I didn't like fighting, but if I felt like I was being treated wrong....I didn't sit back & take it...parents, grandparents, husband, friends....whoever. I always take care of myself first of all.

I know the feelings of love that people talk about, is something I have never experienced except with my 4 legged babies, so the concept of unconditionial love with people is a very foreign concept to me.

I am fascinated by others explainations of unconditional love maybe because it is such a foreign concept in my human relationships.

Debbie

[eskielover]

I just re-read my post & wanted to clarify my wording about love. Everywhere I speak about love I am referring to unconditional love......I do love family & friends. But that is at a much different level than unconditional love that I was trying to speak about. I never continue to try & force a relationship to exist because I unconditionally love the person. I let relationships evolve & they are what they are at the moment in time when they exist. Loving & caring about someone to me is that I will do anything I believe is right, to help family & friends. There are always people that I love/care about but in my existance, but I have never experienced such a deep love that would ever cause me not to look at a relationship for what it really is.

[Perna]

I don't think Love can be expressed by putting up with someone else's abusive behavior. That's not unconditional love to me; if I love someone, I want them to be the best they can be and being abusive is never that best! Sometimes love is difficult because you have to express yourself! Your anger and fears and disappointment are all part of you and if you love another person unconditionally, to me it means you let them know "you". Because you are angry or disappointed in a person does not mean you do not love unconditionally, God gets angry over and over in the Bible! Jesus rebukes the Pharisees! The rich man whom He loved but who wouldn't give up his riches and follow Him, that was true Unconditional Love in action, insisting the man give up what he had and be someone better!

[spal]

I think unconditional love is a big myth that is used to brainwash women into taking abuse from their partners and children as wives and mothers and doing it with a smile on their face! .I don't think that guys have a real dilemma with this concept.

All love has conditions -- except maybe the love you give a baby or a child who doesn't know any better about his/her behaviour.

I don't believe in unconditional love. It's hard enough to believe in a mature love, let alone one that is supposed to love you no matter what. Unconditional love is beyond most human beings and aspiring to it seems self-destructive to me.