[LizaB123]

Last year, I married the man that I loved for 10 years. Right after marriage, I had to move to a different state for a few months for work. My husband has the flexbility of working from home. So he can move pretty much anywhere I go. Before marriage, he used to tell me that we would move based on where I get job because all we ever wanted is to stay together. When it was time for me to go off to another state, he told me that he will live with his parents every other month, since they can't move with us; which means that he will live with me one month and next whole month he will live with his parents. I really got surprised and upset after hearing this. After that, when I lived out of state for 2 and a half months for work, he left me for 3 weeks to live with his parents. After my work was done, we came back to his parents house and has been living there since. I was very saddened by this. Does this make me a bad person? Does this mean I am jealous of husband's parents? When I told him that he left me to live with his parents. He got really upset and he thinks that I hate his parents. He told me that he wants to be there whenever his parents need him, and that's why he left. He says that he needs to go back home to keep his parents happy. But I still cannot let this go. It is so bad that I don't care about my career anymore because I don't want to give him a chance to choose to live between me and his parents. Am I wrong to think any of this, as his wife? What should I do when I have to leave again for work? If someone is experiencing something similar, please share your ideas. Thanks.

[Bill3]

He says that he needs to go back home to keep his parents happy.

What was his relationship with his parents like during the 10 years that you knew him before your marriage? I am wondering whether he has lifelong training, from childhood on, in placing his parents' wishes before anything else.

we came back to his parents house and has been living there since

Was that the plan: to live with his parents between your out-of-state jobs? If not, what was the plan and how did that plan get abandoned?

I was very saddened by this. Does this make me a bad person? Does this mean I am jealous of husband's parents?

No you are not a bad person. Your expectations are reasonable: It is reasonable to expect a partner in marriage to prefer to live with his spouse and not to prefer to live with his parents. This is not jealousy. This is asking for what you are entitled to and were led to expect would happen.

He told me that he wants to be there whenever his parents need him, and that's why he left.

What makes him want this, as opposed to wanting to be there when you need him? For example, are his parents ill?

It is so bad that I don't care about my career anymore because I don't want to give him a chance to choose to live between me and his parents.

Well if you give up your career and your desire to live alone with him, then he has already chosen his parents over you.

What should I do when I have to leave again for work?

After he told you we would move based on where I get job because all we ever wanted is to stay together, you have every right to be hurt and upset about his post-marriage behavior and change of heart. I'm really sorry for the pain that you are experiencing.

Have you been able to discuss your feelings about the situation with him, and if so what did he say? Would he consider couples counseling?

If he is going to insist that he needs to go back home to keep his parents happy, you may want to ask yourself whether marriage to him is going to be what you reasonably expected that it would be. How willing are you to be a lower priority for him than his parents for the rest of their lives?

[wolfgaze]

How does your employer expect a person to maintain a residence anywhere if they are sending you to different states for just a few months at a time? That seems like the ultimate inconvenience if you ask me...

How do you feel (mentally & emotionally) about spending time alone? Does it make you uncomfortable?

[LizaB123]

[QUOTE=Bill3;5612234]What was his relationship with his parents like during the 10 years that you knew him before your marriage? I am wondering whether he has lifelong training, from childhood on, in placing his parents' wishes before anything else.

He is pretty close with this parents. He moved out of the house 5 years ago when he got a job in a different state. He would go to visit his parents every other weekend. Right before our wedding, he got the approval for working from home. I always knew him to be very independent and understanding. Honestly I had no idea he wanted to be physically with his parents the whole time.

Was that the plan: to live with his parents between your out-of-state jobs? If not, what was the plan and how did that plan get abandoned?

When we were in high school, about 9 years ago, we were casually conversing about life after marriage, I told him that it would be nice to live with in-laws. Since then, we never had that conversation again. Right before marriage, he told me that he was already hoping that we would have to move out of state for job. He casually said that time that he would just go to visit his parents every now and then. I thought it would be just a visit and I would go along to visit with him. I didn't know he would just leave me and stay over there for a month.

No you are not a bad person. Your expectations are reasonable: It is reasonable to expect a partner in marriage to prefer to live with his spouse and not to prefer to live with his parents. This is not jealousy. This is asking for what you are entitled to and were led to expect would happen.

I did a mistake by not discussing this with him right away. I thought i could let this go. When we came back to his parents house again, my feelings didn't go away. Even little things started bugging me. For example, if i was doing some work in our room, and I know that he is spending time with his parents in the living room, that would bug me as well. I started getting upset when he took his mom out for shopping. I felt like a bad person inside that I was feeling that way, and he started noticing it too. Everytime i see them spending time when i am not around, it reminds of the time when he left me alone to be with his parents.

He gets upset when he sees me upset. But i never told him that he cannot spend time with them. I always told him that if that's what he wants, he should do it. he told me "if you want me to stop seeing my parents face, then tell me face to face". he said that i hate his parents. He told me that he hopes i would be at least okay when he comes to attend his parents' funeral.

What makes him want this, as opposed to wanting to be there when you need him? For example, are his parents ill?

His parents are not ill. They are doing pretty well for themselves and still pretty young, but whenever he is around, they ask him for help with everything. His mother always tells him in front of me " after marriage, you don't spend time with us anymore...you don't sit next to me anymore".

Well if you give up your career and your desire to live alone with him, then he has already chosen his parents over you.

After he told you we would move based on where I get job because all we ever wanted is to stay together, you have every right to be hurt and upset about his post-marriage behavior and change of heart. I'm really sorry for the pain that you are experiencing.

Have you been able to discuss your feelings about the situation with him, and if so what did he say? Would he consider couples counseling?

I tried discussing and he thinks that I am jealous. We actually came back home for me to take an exam. Once I pass this exam, I will have to leave for work again. In my mind, I don't even know if i want to pass this exam, because I know that he will want to come back to live with his parents again. I am such a dilemma. I don't want to take away his wishes from him, and I don't want to go through the pain of being by myself again. All these thoughts are making me more and more depressed everyday. He tells me that he will do anything to avoid conflict with me, but I definitely don't want him to stop himself from doing something he truly wants.

We talked about couple's counselling a few times. After every fight, he tells me that he loves me, but he needs to take care of his responsibilties as well. the end result is me telling him that I will try not getting upset anymore about these things, but i am having a hard time getting myself to not think about it.

Sounds like your mother in law wants her little boy back...

Before I was married, I really liked my boyfriends mom...we got along great. After we got married, she got almost competitive with me over my husband. It was a really weird time in my life. It's like she wanted to prove that she was more important than I was.

My husband did the right things and made it clear to her that she needed to stop this behavior.
I think your husband needs to let go of his mom and be a husband first and a son second. Sadly, you will probably come out the bad guy in the beginning, but honestly, you need to stand your ground on this. Or be prepared to have to wait until she's...gone.

I wish you the best. Keep pushing for counselling if you don't have the strength for this (and lots of people can't do this alone)...

[Bill3]

he said that i hate his parents. He told me that he hopes i would be at least okay when he comes to attend his parents' funeral.

These comments are very hurtful and inappropriate. I'm sorry that you had to hear them. They make me wonder whether he prepared to do as sophiesmom suggests.

His mother always tells him in front of me " after marriage, you don't spend time with us anymore...you don't sit next to me anymore".

It appears that she is not above laying guilt on him to get him to do as she wishes.

but he needs to take care of his responsibilties as well

His first responsibility, in my view, is to you. It might be helpful though to get an understanding of exactly what he sees his responsibilities to be.