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  #1  
Old Apr 27, 2017, 09:39 AM
BlueDaisy1211 BlueDaisy1211 is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Tunisia
Posts: 10
Hello everyone,

So I'm 28 years old married with no kids yet.

I don't judge my relationship with my mother as normal because she is very controlling and negative since forever. She never shows her feelings by kissing or hugging me nor my sister. She also do not want to visit people or let people visit her. She literrally has no friends and the only people she is comfortable around are her sisters. I recall how many times she gets angry when my dad invites people around. I feel that we are totally opposite and at many stages of my life I kept thinking about leaving the house simply because it is very hard to be a happy positive person around her. However, it was not possible for me since I live in a conservative environnement where a woman can't leave her parents' house until she gets married.

anyway, the problem started when I got engaged two years ago. Before the engagement party she behaved in a very negative way just doing her best to turn my happiness into unhappiness and anger. Whenever I show her something or talk to her about anything concerning the preparations she would simply answer in a negative way. Since I have the love and support of my dad, sister and fiance everything went fine until two days after the party. I woke up to her screaming and hitting her head against the wall. It was the scariest feeling I had. I did my best to convince her to see a specialist but she insisted that she is going to be fine. I spent three months in hell trying anything to cheer her up and to suck her negativity. She became angry at little things I do. She would freak out when I talk about anything related to my marriage. I couldn't stay positive and I remember getting very depressed at that time and not being able to work on my PhD, because of the uncomfortable situation at home, made it worse for me. I even went to GP and had medicine to be able to manage the amount of stress I was particullary facing.

Then out of sudden she accepted everything and started to act normal whenever anything related to my marriage occurs.

Everything went fine until a month ago. She went back to hitting her head against the wall and to crying every single morning. She says that she misses me although I live just few blocks away from her and I visit her often. However, before leaving the house we were not used to spend time together. As I previously commented, we were never close. At times we would only meet at dinner time and for just few minutes. What made things worse now is the fact that I am travelling with my husband to another country and we may live there for good. I would like to mention that she knew about this after two weeks of her anxious behavior.

Anyway, this time we insisted on her to see a doctor and she accepted (not convinced). The doctor said she has a depression and gave her an AD (Seroplex 10mg I guess it is an Escitalopram) and told her to be patient because the effect of the AD only starts in 2 to 3 weeks. Now it has been exactely 17 days since she started the AD. She blames us for taking her to the doctor and she is still depressed.

The whole family got affected by her behavior daddy is so miserable and doesn't know what to do and my sister who is in an important stage in her carreer feels helpless. As for me, I feel like I don't want to get involved again. I feel scared and guilty at the same time. I know it is crazy what I am about to say but she succeeded at making me feel responsible for her sickness and not being able to help her. Especially now she keeps saying to my sister "don't get married and leave me like your sister did" I'm also scared because whenever I go visit her I feel so down afterwards. In addition my husband is supposed to travel ahead of me so i'll be back with her for few months before joining him. This scares me as well. I don't want to end up depressed like I did two years ago and I don't want to see her like this.

I really need advice here on what to do. I can't seem to enjoy anything thinking about this. No matter what, she is my mother and I love her. But I feel so helpless...
Hugs from:
Anonymous37954, Anonymous57777, Anonymous59898, avlady, Bill3, MickeyCheeky

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  #2  
Old Apr 27, 2017, 12:11 PM
Anonymous37954
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I'm so sorry for your situation.

Simply from an observation standpoint, your mom seems to be really upset that her kids are grown ups now....What she's saying to you should not be said. She should be showing you her love and support. I would never stand in the way of my kids happiness. That's just wrong.

Seems as if the main problem (and you might think about seeing it this way) is that her depression and your getting married are more of a coincidental occurrence....and so she'll associate the two as a matter of course (plus, as you know, depression messes with our logical thinking). It may be a while before she's able to realize that there isn't a connection, but you should realize that you leaving makes her sad, but not depressed.

Hopefully, the AD will work for her.

Realize that you are not responsible for her getting help. You are not her keeper.

My husband loves me and helped me get to the doctor. My kids were unaware of my depression at the time. It's a sickness, as such, it's great if everyone in the family can show some consideration to the degree that they're comfortable. That's what families do. But it shouldn't be EXPECTED.

So, try to remain sane through all of this. Your happiness is job one. You didn't do this to your mom and whatever love and assistance you want to give is completely a choice.

I know you're scared, I can tell. And of course you feel down when you return from a visit. Let it happen and then let it go. You can't control your emotions. Yup...those couple months without your husband as YOUR support will be tough. Don't get in too deep and remember to discuss with him that you may need to lean on him more heavily during that time.

Give yourself a break from trying to be a superhero....If I was your mom, I would want you to.
Hugs from:
avlady, Bill3
Thanks for this!
Bill3, BlueDaisy1211
  #3  
Old Apr 27, 2017, 12:51 PM
Anonymous57777
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Dear BlueDaisy-

I like all of Sophiesmom's advice.

I don't think people make big changes until they want to. Two years ago I attempted--the consequences of what I had done was shocking enough to me that I felt like it "softened up my heart" enough to open up, consider other opinions, get help, trust others, etc. I can't imagine what I put my children through. I worry that I may have effected them in negative ways--if I knew they gave up an opportunity (money/happiness/love) because of my bad behavior--it would make me feel even more depressed.

It's important to make sure you put your physical and mental health first. You can't help her when you are upset. Don't stay or visit more than you can handle. If you force yourself to keep up appearances but don't genuinely want to be there--I don't think that's good for either of you. It will just create more bitterness.

Please don't let your mom make you feel guilty. That is not a healthy genuine type of love (perhaps it's severe anxiety that needs therapy and/or medications). It's a good thing that you can look forward to traveling with your husband! It will be a great memory for both of you as you grow old together. Encourage your sister to follow her heart's desire and to put herself first. Since your mom sounds a bit out of reach--maybe try to send your sister and dad encouraging emails, letters, gifts or phone calls when you leave. It sounds like they are the ones who need the support....
Hugs from:
Anonymous37954, avlady
Thanks for this!
BlueDaisy1211
  #4  
Old May 04, 2017, 12:55 PM
BlueDaisy1211 BlueDaisy1211 is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Tunisia
Posts: 10
@sophiesmom thank you so much for your response it was just what I needed to feel calm and to stop blaming myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sophiesmom View Post
Realize that you are not responsible for her getting help. You are not her keeper.
I totally agree here especially because it is more a mental problem than a physical one so I can't really do more. However, I'm in a society where kids are somehow obliged to serve their parents and to take care of them when they grow old but my inability made me feel down. I also keep getting phone calls from family who keep telling me to do this and that like trying to hang out with her more because everyone expects me to do so since I'm the older child.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sophiesmom View Post
So, try to remain sane through all of this. Your happiness is job one. You didn't do this to your mom
I keep remembering these words whenever the feelings of guilt pop up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sophiesmom View Post
Give yourself a break from trying to be a superhero....If I was your mom, I would want you to.
I can tell that you are a wonderful mother your kids are so blessed
Hugs from:
avlady
  #5  
Old May 05, 2017, 04:31 AM
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Sunflower123 Sunflower123 is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: USA
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Just wanted to say congratulations on all the positive things happening in your life and that the posters here have excellent advice. I'm sorry you are in such a tough position. I think it's important to put your health and happiness first. I know you love her and you can be there for her without her sucking you in.

As a mentally ill mother to a 17 year old daughter, I do everything in my power to minimize any repercussions for her. I give her all my love and support and really try to help her blossom and fly. I'm sorry your mother isn't able to do the same.


Last edited by Sunflower123; May 05, 2017 at 06:31 AM.
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avlady
  #6  
Old May 05, 2017, 05:54 AM
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Crazy Hitch Crazy Hitch is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
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Antidepressants only play so much of a role.

She needs a counsellor to help her cope with strategies and to deal with the emotions that she is feeling.
Hugs from:
avlady
Thanks for this!
Bill3
  #7  
Old May 05, 2017, 06:28 AM
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Sunflower123 Sunflower123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch View Post
Antidepressants only play so much of a role.

She needs a counsellor to help her cope with strategies and to deal with the emotions that she is feeling.

That's excellent advice.
  #8  
Old May 05, 2017, 06:57 AM
avlady avlady is offline
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Yes she needs counseling along with the meds, in fact where i live a person cannot get meds unless they see a coounselor. I hope you can get through this and maybe your siblings and dad can help but you probably have to ask for help first.good luck!!
Hugs from:
Bill3
  #9  
Old May 05, 2017, 03:47 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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It sounds like your mother has more going on than just depression. It sounds like she has severe abandonment issues that even she is not aware of. Your mother needs to see a therapist. You cannot "fix" her, she has to reach out for help and learn how to fix herself.
  #10  
Old May 06, 2017, 09:24 AM
BlueDaisy1211 BlueDaisy1211 is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Tunisia
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone (Hopingtrying, Jennifer 1967, Crazy Hitch, avlady and Open Eyes), your answers and comments are very heart touching

I told her that she needs a counsler before but she refuses all the time
At this level, I feel that I can't try with her anymore. I'm just trying to be a good daughter but without getting too involved in her illness.
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Anonymous57777
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