[gerryhandke]

I have been in a relationship for a couple of months with a woman who has been at various times diagnosed schizophrenic and psychotic. I had known her for two years before. I realise that some reading this have been similarly diagnosed and I hope I don't cause any offence here. I need some feedback to put me better in the picture.
This woman talks of a 'goddess' and a 'muse' and a 'sucubus' and believes they are not metaphorical fragments of her psyche. At the same time, she thinks that nothing is real. It's not quite possible to understand what she means by this (I suppose any more than it's possible to understand someone making the opposite claim). I suppose even the cultural make-up of the neurologically atypical is deconstructable (it's constituent constructs can be undermined) and intertextual (a product of cross-pollinated ideas rather than referencing any objective reality) in its frabric.
I'm sometimes scared of her because of her sexuality: she has impulses to drink blood from quite a deep wound that she'd make, in a partner, i.e. currently me, and so on.
Her voice and mood changes very suddenly - sometimes she sounds very refined and intelligent, and other times she becomes girlish. I feel for her greatly at times, and I've told her I love her. It became love, I feel, when she told me about being pimped by her own mother when she was at school. She says she got enjoyment from this sex with peaodophiles because there was not anything like affection coming from elsewhere, which i can understand, albeit at the same times as feeling chilled. I say it became love because I'm in awe at what she's survived, and feel compassion for her for it, though I myself have far milder mental health problems, i.e depression and anxiety.
I have a degree and am a published writer and feel I am fairly lucid. I am also open-minded and have considered what I feel is the slight pssibility that these muses and goddesses are in some way real. So I've said to her to ask them to talk to me. I'm not expecting anything.
This morning I awoke and immediately was in tears because I often think now that I made a mistake in embarking on this relationship. I feel often out of my depth and worry that she might kill me or harm me, though we have shared a bed now, mutually agreeing without sex as yet, and things seem fine. I can't leave her, because i think - as is intimated, though not in a blackmailish way, she will try to kill herself, or at least that it will cause a breakdown of some kind. This happened at the end of her last relationship. I hope either that the relationship improves and that my being with her helps her, or that she tells me she wants ot finish it. I've said to her three times that if she wants to end it - i was reacting to a suspicion that she might - I would still be her friend and support her, which she seems happy with.
I can't bear the thought that I'm meant to abandon her as if she were a latterday dodo - though I can blackly observe that she may at times feel like an albatross.
Prior to meeting me she was taking some ridiculous risks, and for example once escaped being murdered by a man who'd injected her with rohypnol. She talks of 'crossing boundaries' and being thrilled by inflicting and feeling pain. Then this week when she expressed pain at the thought of me looking at other women - which if i _fleetingly_ do it's when I'm apart from her, living as I do 30 miles away. I would never shove it in her face. She said to me that she wanted me to be an 'angel' and so on, and that she knows it's an impossible wish; that is, she has all that dark in her but hasn't grasped that all sorts of desires are in everyone, without our needing to act on them or regard them as important. She seems ot have forgotten her own imperfections at that point. Indeed she would seem to want me to be several hues lighter than herself.
She has used a number of different names, but it's not like they're separate personalities - she's aware that the different names are her choices. She even said that the newest name was her trying to start anew. I was surprised recently to find that the name i call her isn't hers, and I'm going to say to her that I want ot call her by the name on her birth certificate and passport; I wanted to change my name once to start anew but I think it's a good 'religious choice' to make the most of what we're saddled with, and sticking with one's name is a good reminder of this, kind of like a linguistic bindi.
She has medication, she has psychiatrists and nurses and social workers and so on, and spent a portion of her 20s in hospital. She says that her diagnosis now is 'psychotic' rather than schizophrenic. I'm not one for trusting the labels, but going by the hallucinations she has and the 'muse', etc, she has the traits that come under schizophrenia.
What do you think? Is this hopeless? I'm not inclined to think she was born like this, though there may have been some potential genetically, as her parents are mental health workers and I can see from my own life how inclinations can be passed on, for example though I'm adopted both me and my birth father who I'd not met till 2000 played the guitar from the age of 14. She has had such awful experiences that her ways and beliefs are likely her way of dealing with this stuff. I tell myself I'd like to go as far to curing her as love can go, and i can see I've done some good, and it's early days. She's very grateful for me. I'm attracted to her physically and personality-wise, with the exception of the stuff about blood, and I don't like her friends, largely abusive ex-prospective boyfriends that she's kept hold of. I feel burdened by these and don't want ot have to get to know them. I suppose she doesn't - yet - have the self-esteem to get shot of them.
I would also welcome any people with a diagnosis of schizophrenia who'd be willing to e'mail me and tell me their experience of the condition (or whatever you regard it to be), particularly if it involves goddesses and muses, to help me better get the lay of the land with my girlfriend. I can't see her as often as i like, because of the distance between our homes, and our finances, so though we'll get to know each other better, if i come ot know more about others with the diagnosis I'll be getting more knowledgeable in genreal and be able ot apply it, which hopefully is a good thing. I will be looking for up-to-date and well-written internet resources on schizophrenia, also - some i've found aren't any good, but people here may know of good ones.
Many thanks for any replies - postings and e'mails equally welcome.

[gloria]

Gosh!
Your email is hard to follow ... how about some plain English? You are tremendously artistic and it's beautiful, but hard to follow.
Know there are people that care here. Good luck in your relationship.

gab

[dexter]

gerry I think maybe the most important question is is she getting help for this? Is she taking meds and getting therapy? It certainly sounds as if she is not, or is taking something that is not working for her.

I'm not an expert but I think that the things you describe can very well be brought under control with modern treatment... including meds and therapy. Many times people undergoing treatment feel much better, and then stop taking their meds because they feel "fine", not understanding that they feel fine because of the meds. They may quickly sink back into old feelings and behaviors.

If she is unwilling to get treatment then I believe that your relationship with her will continue to be difficult at best. I don't know if anything she does puts you into actual danger, although the desire to drink your blood certainly doesn't sound like the "safe and sound" route. You will have to consider that. I hope you can get some more specific advise here or maybe from some books or speaking with a doctor to give you a better picture of the situation.

If she can get and accept treatment you may find she is a completly different person. In that case it might even be beneficial to her to have someone watching her... if her medication needs to be adjusted or if she stops taking you may be able to recognize the signs and be able to get her some help long before she realizes there is a problem.

Good luck and welcome to the forums.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[betty_3]

Hi, schizophrenia is a serious but controllable illness. There are medications available for it. If your gf has not seen a psychiatrist (this is a medical doctor) she MUST see one to get the appropriate medicines.

As for you, her loving boyfriend, please understand that this illness is not for the faint-of-heart. It is difficult for the patient and difficult for the ones who love him/her. Think carefully as to what you are strong enough to handle in your emotional make-up. This doesn't mean that you have to abandon your gf, but it does mean that it will cause a strain on you both--even if she gets the proper medicines and therapy for her potential illness. Good luck.