Great girlfriend, yet attraction to other women (would love your advice)

Hi there,
I am a 24 year old male who has been with his first and only girlfriend for the past 2 years. She has a great personality, sense of humor, is very affectionate and lovable. She also has solid values and thinks a lot about the future (getting married and having children). Physically, she is a bit overweight (30 extra pounds), and at first this caused an attraction problem for me. Her amazing personality won me over to the point where even though physically I might not find her attractive, the person she is makes her attractive to me. The sex is great and we connect deeply, not just as lovers but as friends and partners.

Although she corresponds to what I'm looking for in a life partner in almost every way, I can't help but want to have sex with other girls. This may sound shallow but the truth of it is that there are so many pretty girls around that I sometimes find myself feeling sad and wishing I could feel for my girlfriend the intense rush of attraction I feel when in the presence of an attractive woman.

I know how extremely lucky I am to have found such a wonderful and sane girl, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, especially sexually. I would never cheat on her but sometimes wish I could.

What exactly is wrong with me ??

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certainsomething said:

What exactly is wrong with me ??

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Not a thing sir.....your feelings are perfectly normal for a 24 year old young man...and certainly understandable when your only sexual experience is relatively recent and with your present lovely partner...

How about practicing some risky honesty here...

Explain to your girlfreind that you are confused,,which you are. I wouldn't be brutally honest and mention the sex or her weight,,,but maybe that you need a break from the exclusive aspects of your relationship for some time. Tell her you care for her deeply and if your relationship is for the long term,,there are some issues that you need to resolve..

But remember there are no one way streets in relationships and this period of time for experimenting will apply to her also...

There is risk associated with risk.LOL..so think fully on what you may be putting aside...

IMHO.

Lenny

certainsomething, I have to say, I don't envy your situation. I didn't marry my hubby until I was 31 years old, and although I wasn't one to sleep around, I had had a dozen or so sexual partners before we met. I am so very grateful for those experiences (good and bad), as they allowed me to experience different levels of intimacy with different personality types. It made me appreciate the kind of intimacy, and passion, that I found with my husband. It also allowed me to be able to speak freely about my desires, and be open to his.

Now that being said, it sounds like you've achieved a level of intimacy, and passion with your current girlfriend, that most people never find! Ask yourself this, are you willing to walk away from that (probably forever) in hopes of "something better" with a different woman (or women)? I know many here will tell you, sex with the hottest, most physically beautiful person, may suck! It's like biting into a chocolate from a box with no pictures and descriptions, it may look "yummy", but what if the center is the kind you don't like??!!!

I can only suggest that you talk with your GF about how you're feeling. There are things you can do in your own bedroom that can make you feel like you're with a whole different person. Exploring different areas of your own sexual desires can be just as exciting as being with someone new!

I wish you luck, keep us posted (no pun intended) on how things go.

Wounded1 and Lenny, thank you so much for your insightful responses, I am truly appreciative of you taking the time to post !

I know she has the potential to look good if she loses weight, which she has been trying to do for the past 2 years, slowly but surely (she was heavier when we met). I also realize how men and women are taught in our society that "model like", thin girls, are a beauty standard. Although some models can be attractive, I'm NOT AT all into that type. I'm into the cute, not too thin, not overweight, nice, healthy looking, "natural pretty girl" look. She doesn't have to be a drop dead gorgeous beauty, I just want to feel myself notice her.

I've thought about both your suggestions and realized that I don't think I could just let her go, even temporarily, she's too important and I wouldn't want to lose such a great person. My girlfriend and I are both rather sensitive people, and I know that bringing this up, no matter how much tact is used, would hurt her deeply, which I can't bear. So I keep it inside, and it builds and ends up preoccupying me. That's why I'm here, hoping that I can speak about it and get various points of view.

Wounded1, I too have heard that sometimes fantasy is better than reality and that just because someone is attractive, it does not mean their give/take ratio is necessarily proportionate in bed. See, I always thought that I would date around and have a few relationships before settling down and getting married. I never envisioned, realistically, falling in love and potentially marrying my first love. I think men, especially, are conditioned to "get experience" and screw around, but does that really lead to happiness ? Or does it just make you more and more jaded after each relationship ?

I guess I'm realizing that weight is something that can be worked on. Maybe I should just find a way of using positive reinforcement to encourage her to lose weight ? I'm convinced that it would definitely improve my attraction to her.

I would love to keep this conversation going, so please feel free to share your thoughts (and that goes for anyone reading this).

Thanks again !

Hi again. It sounds like you are basing alot of your girlfriends attractiveness to you on her weight, and I gotta tell you, I think that it's actually an "out" for you. By making your attraction to other women "her fault" because she's "a little heavy", if you do decide to wander, it would be so easy to say "Well, if she had only lost more weight..."

Again, weight, haircolor, physique...it's all window dressing. The best, most open, hottest sex I've ever had is with my hubby, who is NOT my physical type whatsoever! When I met him, I actually thought he was a "geeky red head"! But the honesty we've shared in the bedroom, the experimenting, the acting out each others fantsies has be HOT HOT HOT! (sigh, and now we're separated...boo!)

And I have a news flash for you, even after two years together, I bet your GF has fantasies about being with other guys too! Women are attracted to men outside of their relationship as well. The difference between men and women I find is that women take that fantasy into the bedroom with the man they love! ;-)

Certainsomething,
I completely hear you about today's society and its preoccupation with being thin. I just want to warn you, as you probably already know, girls are extremely sensitive about their weight and will pretty much catch on to any sort of mention to it, even if it's meant to be harmless. My best advice on trying to get your girlfriend to a more healthy weight is to suggest something you guys can do together that you'd both enjoy that doesn't sound like exercise. Take her out on walks every day or bike ride together. Just be gentle and dont force her. This might also bring you two closer together, though from the sounds of it, you guys sound pretty close already!

I can also understand your roaming eye. It happens to the best of us. I dont really have much advice other than what has been given except that sometimes when I'm with the guy I'm dating I gauge my feelings for him by looking at him, and if I feel proud of him, proud to be with him, and proud to show to the world that he's with me, either by holding hands or something along those lines, then I know that at the moment i wouldn't want to be anywhere else, and that right then he is the one for me. And if that's true for that one moment, then I'm willing to keep working towards always being with him until that's not the case anymore. I'm not sure if that really makes as much sense as I want it to, but I'm not sure how else to explain it.

I hope this helped at least a little!
Take care
Ro

I'm married 14 years, had a few GFs before that too. You know what? My first girlfriend would probably have been the right one for me - I still miss her... You may be affected by peer-pressure, personal "wants" or even the media. However, the point of finding a partner is very much like you describe her. There's no reason to go looking for someone else and spend a few decades with hit or miss relationships, lots of headaches, and all that. If she feels like a good partner now, keep it up! Do not throw away what you have for fantasy or unknowns. In fact, you may never find someone out there.

Someone close to me once said "people come into your life for a reason - and they leave for a reason". Give it some time and enjoy your time together. And remember, hot girls also have a ton of guys going after them - and they end up straying away from you. Your fantasy girl will surely be the same fantasy girl for dozens of other guys. And, a rule a guy I know is "it's all about the enthusiasm". Looks or not, it's all about the relationship and your chemistry rather than looks.

I've been around a bit more than you have- in terms of partners and just number of years lived! I got married at 23 to my first and only boyfriend. We were really great friends and I saw myself having kids with him. At age 31, I divorced him- having had 3 kids with him. Our kids are wonderful. I still think that in terms of whom I should've had kids with he was it! It does seem like I got married just to have kids with him, but that isn't the case. We still work on kid issues very well together. (He's remarrying in 3 days!! ) After we got divorced, I dated quite a bit for a couple years. Now, I've been in a long-term relationship- nearly 3 years. I gotta tell ya- dating around isn't all it is cracked up to be. Dating around- as a female- did a few things for me: it showed me what I can deal with in a man and what I can't. It showed me that while men are pretty much alike in bed, they're pretty different too! (lol) That is, I learned that sex is sex is sex and its chemistry between you mentally, emotionally and physically that matters. Physically definitely matters- but it happens as a consequence of the others.... I look at my BF and think "He's not my type" but I also look at him and go "He's so cute!!" None of which has ANYthing to do with what I'm thinking when we're having sex and its REALLY good! Dating around was a shallow experience. I was basically using men. And one day I looked at one of them, after he'd just said "That was the best ever!" and I thought "I could collect those for the back of my 'book'"- quotes, that is. And that's when I realized that collecting quotes of how "good" I was wasn't really what I wanted. I had a HOT body that every guy wanted, yet I wasn't happy.

Chew on that a bit! (BTW, I'm 36.)

Didn't we have this discussion a few months ago ad nauseum? Maybe you want to go back to the archive.

Thank you all for your replies !
Doh2007, I'm not sure to what archives you're referring, I'm new here and this is my first post which was initiated after not being able to find posts similar to my specific situation on this forum.

Wounded, RomanSunburn, Bonaire and Moose, I have reflected deeply on what each one of you stated. I think this slight attraction problem stems from my fear of commitment (which I think is justified considering my lack of relationship experience). I guess I just feel like I'm not ready to think of marriage and children, even though my girlfriend brings these subjects up quite often (she goes crazy when she sees babies and children). Maybe I'm feeling a bit pressured or trapped.

When I think of it, my girlfriend is the most amazing person I have ever met. I have never had such great chemistry with someone as I have with her. I used to go out on dates before meeting her and it's safe to say that she definitely has something special. I feel good and comfortable around her, whether we're sharing a moment of silence while taking a walk or doing something exciting.

I was a late bloomer and often thought this would be a curse, and that no woman would want a 22 year old virgin who had never been in a relationship. How wrong I was. I'm glad she is my first and hopefully only; I was selective of all the right things (personality, sense of humour, chemistry, trustful, values and background) and it paid off. And don't get me wrong : I wasn't insinuating that the sex wasn't good, in fact it's great because we both feel extremely comfortable with each other. And for sure we should maybe explore more aspects in that area. I guess, it's just my male instinct being curious and physically attracted to other women (only physically). But in the end, I know that none of them, no matter how beautiful, can compare to the special something her and I share.

Thanks again for your replies and keep them coming if you have anything else to add. I'm glad I discovered this forum and hopefully I can contribute in some way in the future.

Here's the thread where people responded to a similar situation:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...=&fpart=1&vc=1