[shakespeare47]

Does anyone else have problems disentangling themselves from people?

Every once in a while I find myself involved with people who trouble me, but who I can't seem to shake.

I think mostly it's because I truly want to get along with people, and yet some of those people don't appear to be rational. They would rather yell and cause problems. And if you try to disentangle yourself, they will retaliate and do everything they can to continue the relationship, but on their terms.

[Anthem.]

I am having the same issue lately, so I will share with you my analysis/theories.

1) These types expect too much of everyone surrounding them/closest to them, and nothing of themselves. They expect others to fill them but do not understand no one can do that but yourself.

2) Attention seeking behavior, any attention is good attention.

3) No respect for themselves, so no respect for others around them. Ego-centric type of thing. I suppose this can relate to number 1. Leaving them in their own close minded place. Everything happens to them and no one else.

I am not sure if any of this helps, because I myself am trying to figure things out. These are things I have come up with. Hope this helps at all. I am listening to myself, and my needs. Its important to feel safe, and give yourself the strength to cut them out. No matter the circumstance. Sometimes, you just have to put you first.

Hope you're okay.

I have similiar and can understand the frustration. Everyone is in a different state so some have stronger boundaries than others. I find if your boundaries are being redefined for you then you need to discommunicate. hope that helps tc

[Frankbtl]

Hi shakespeare

Well kudos to you on wanting distance from those "unhealthy acquaintances/friendships/relationships"
I'd say that firstly you might need to set them some real firm/specific boundaries.........detailing ways of how their behaviour needs to change...........what you actually expect/want/need from them and the consequences of them not complying. And really use some "brutal honesty" in that.
Sometimes instinct can be to be sensitive/courteous/considerate (???), but in some cases that isn't going to be helping the person recognise boundaries.........you're not going to be doing them any favours in the long run.
I know this may be more about positively changing the relationship than disentangling yourself.........but if it turns out from there, that you do need to disentangle, then it can act as a good baseline in that.
And again in disentangling.........brutal honesty (!!!) and distancing yourself in every which way..........physically, in terms of contact, emotionally..............
Just some thoughts...........



Alison

[TishaBuv]

After you've tried communication and compromise, being very firm about it being over- no calls, no texts, and sticking to your convictions works. You will receive a slew of harassing calls, texts, emails but they will eventually subside.

I had to do that with a friend I had since I was a kid. Her over the top kookiness is what drew me to her. She was the funniest person I have ever known. Totally obnoxious person, yet it made me laugh. There were several times I had to take a break from her, not speaking for up to a year or so. But later in life, she got much worse, her life a train wreck and her toxicity toward me unbearable, so I really had to end it. She still occasionally texts and emails me acting like we are still friends and I do not even respond.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Her over the top kookiness is what drew me to her. She was the funniest person I have ever known. Totally obnoxious person, yet it made me laugh.

One of the things I've decided is that I don't want to be around people who are rude to other people. Like you, I've sometimes thought it was funny to see them do rude things to others.... but, I'm over it. I want to be around good people. Other people's habits do rub off. And who we have as friends says a lot about who we are.

[eskielover]

I usually find that the easiest way to step away from those people is to just have something that keeps you busy when they come up with something to do or a time when they want to get together.

LOL....I am so busy in my life that sometimes this happens with people I really want to get together with. After asking so many times, they do tend to give up & it's easy to comment if they say something is that you are just really busy right at this time.

Sometimes I'm on the go so much that I need home time to get things done around the house.....that doesn't mean that I'm free to go do things because I need time to be responsible to myself & I hold to that when I feel things piling up & I express this also.

You can use these things on people you don't want to be with also even if it may not always be true, sometimes it's just a good excuse to not be around them & if you do it long enough, they will give up though they might be persistent until they finally do give up.

Honestly when I first get to know people, I keep them at a distance & don't just jump into a relationship with them.....I keep a distance there at first so that as I get to know them, I can either draw closer or farther away without it being very obvious to them.

[shakespeare47]

Right now I'm involved with a group of people I'm trying to disentagle myself from. I think I'll just keep myself busy.... I'm already preparing myself for the manipulations I suspect will come my way.

[eskielover]

Keeping yourself busy & not having time for being involved with them will in itself take care of their manipulation by virtue of you being busy & not having the time to be involved with them.....after enough excuses for not being involved, they will give up.

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Does anyone else have problems disentangling themselves from people?

Every once in a while I find myself involved with people who trouble me, but who I can't seem to shake.

I think mostly it's because I truly want to get along with people, and yet some of those people don't appear to be rational. They would rather yell and cause problems. And if you try to disentangle yourself, they will retaliate and do everything they can to continue the relationship, but on their terms.

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Sorry to hear that! I've been in your shoes before, but aside from my dad, no one has really yelled at me. I'd get treated in a passive aggressive way often though! They're toxic and you should get rid of those people if they refuse to change, or they can't!

Have you talked to these people about how their behaviour is out of line? If not, then you should unless you are afraid that they will try to get back at you in some way. If that is the case, then don't respond to them at all. Don't respond to emails, calls, or texts.

You can BLOCK their email and their numbers too. It's super easy to do on most phones. If you don't have an automatic block feature on your phone, then no problem. Just download a free anti virus app from AVG on google play and there is a block feature on that app to block calls and texts. Change your number and email if you have to.

And then don't give it out to anyone who'll pass that info around. Make new friends. It's better to be alone than to surround yourself with all that negativity and drama. Not to mention that it's not good for your sanity and your personal safety!

Anyways, these people might be narcissists. My dad in one for sure. Here is a really insightful and cool lady who does a great job explaining what to look out for. I like her name too, the Illusion Dispeller.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Right now I'm involved with a group of people I'm trying to disentagle myself from. I think I'll just keep myself busy.... I'm already preparing myself for the manipulations I suspect will come my way.

Sounds like a plan. Sometimes it's safer and kinder to just fade away without making a production nor calling to light their flaws. A legitimate busy reason or change in life can be a lovely alibi and everyone saves face.

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

[Fuzzybear]

[shakespeare47]

It's been over a year, and I have successfully withdrawn from the group I mentioned in this thread. There are still situations and people that trouble me, but I'm working on it.

Unfortunately, some people really don't deserve my time. I'm working on getting rid of them without too much fuss. And, I find it helpful to get rid of them in ways that doesn't make them into enemies.

[Frankbtl]

Hi shakespeare

Really good news on your withdrawal from them!!!
And got to seriously commend you on that!!!
Sometimes you have to put yourself and your well-being first

And the situations/people who still trouble you........well I'd say that you have taken the most important step already, in recognising that you need to get rid of them and that they don't deserve your time.........just some strategies to formulate now........in sidestepping them, creating more and more and more distance or walking away, right?!!
Just remember that you're right, and you owe it to yourself not to just accept........

Alison

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Does anyone else have problems disentangling themselves from people?

Every once in a while I find myself involved with people who trouble me, but who I can't seem to shake.

I think mostly it's because I truly want to get along with people, and yet some of those people don't appear to be rational. They would rather yell and cause problems. And if you try to disentangle yourself, they will retaliate and do everything they can to continue the relationship, but on their terms.

When I was more concerned with taking care of other people's feelings and ignoring my own, I did have trouble disentangling myself from toxic people. But ever since I decided to put my emotional needs first now, instead of taking care of everyone else's feelings I have no problem being upfront with people and setting boundaries with them. If they don't like my changes, pfft, not interested in having them in my life anymore.

If someone retaliates against you, after you try to leave the relationship that is a reflection on how unstable and toxic they are rather than you. Healthy relationships are mutual, and involve people being respectful of each other's boundaries, and telling each other the truth without being punished. If someone punishes you for telling the truth, they have serious mental health problems because that is not how relationships should work.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by cielpur

When I was more concerned with taking care of other people's feelings and ignoring my own, I did have trouble disentangling myself from toxic people. But ever since I decided to put my emotional needs first now, instead of taking care of everyone else's feelings I have no problem being upfront with people and setting boundaries with them. If they don't like my changes, pfft, not interested in having them in my life anymore.

If someone retaliates against you, after you try to leave the relationship that is a reflection on how unstable and toxic they are rather than you. Healthy relationships are mutual, and involve people being respectful of each other's boundaries, and telling each other the truth without being punished. If someone punishes you for telling the truth, they have serious mental health problems because that is not how relationships should work.

Well said. I do have boundaries, and if people cross them, then it does say a lot about the other. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship w/ someone who has no respect for boundaries?

Exactly.

[continuosly blue]

I was in a toxic relationship and was forced into extricating myself from it and everyone else associated with that relationship. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was forced to deal with my own emotional problems. It was very hard as I wound up actually being totally alone. Abandoned by so called " friends and family ".
Anyhow , I wound up getting very lonely and maintained a contact that I shouldn't have.
Because of my loneliness and desire to get my " family back " I pretty much put on hiatus my personal growth program and begged them to take me back.
"Be careful what you pray for ". It happened , and now I'm back in the same toxic situation that I left. I went " all in " on this one and if it doesn't work out , well......
Everybody is still the same. Despite all the expectations, my significant other is still the same person I left.
Because of my physical situation I can't get " out there " in the world or feel useful.
I'll end there for now by saying once you get toxicity out , don't put it back in.