I am generally very formal with people... I think this is because I had to maintain my distance / my "strong" image in front of my family so I wouldn't be hurt. I've noticed this has extended to nearly all of my friendships. I keep people at arms length.

As I've gotten older, I am noticing that I talk to people like it's a job interview. When I look at people, I don't think of them on a personal level. I think of them, well, like I'm at work. I don't think I am able to even identify if I would be potentially interested in someone.

I am exceedingly formal and can't open up. Because of this, I basically have no relationship experience. Or at least I haven't had a real relationship. Mostly one night stands and a brief period where I was the other woman / mistress (sorry, I know it's bad, and looking back, I figure it's the only way I could have a psuedo-relationship / intimacy without really getting to know someone and vice versa).

Now I would like to seek out a relationship, because I'm tired of being alone and would like to know what it's like to be loved. But on the other hand, I don't want to seek out a relationship, because the process of getting to know someone is so stressful. I don't know how to switch from being professional to personal. Going on a date is tedious. Even picking out a potential partner to flirt with and then date is tedious. It's another job that I don't have time for. It's like I don't have a personal side. I don't know if I'm aromantic (I'm definitely demisexual), or if I just can't connect to people...

I'm wondering if this is normal? And if you have any advice on how to open up / not act so formal?

Maybe I am compulsively handling people. I wonder if that's it...

[Bill3]

You might look into radically open dialectical behavior therapy:

Radically-Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT) | Anxiety & OCD Experts | Cognitive Behavior Therapy Center

[Sunflower123]

Are you seeing a therapist who could help you with some of these issues? I don't have any advise...just wanted to lend you my support.

I've given up. I just don't care all that much.

I don't know how to be personal with people because I don't know how to be personal with myself. I think I neglect myself.

and I'm scared and I don't trust.

but I don't have time for a relationship. And I don't think I will ever succeed in getting one. I was talking to some people on a dating site but it's boring and time consuming. I don't care about people.

(it is like a job interview. you chat. if you pass their test they ask for your number. you exchange texts/videocalls and if you pass that test, you meet up in person. it is just a series of hoops to jump through. the man I was talking to - I was able to play to what he said he was looking for. he wanted my number after some messaging. then I lost interest because I passed his test. so I said I would not like to go to that step yet and he lost interest. how boring.)

I don't understand how relationships happen. What drives the urge to have one? And for ppl to actually follow through and get together? people were already having relationships when I was in middle school. sure, they weren't grown up relationships, but they were still able to negotiate a deal that they were together. I never understood how it worked.

similarly, I can't connect to therapists so they all give up on me. apparently we're supposed to bond for the therapy to actually take place.

[~Christina]

There are ways to meet people in basically and old fashion way.. That doesnt include all the texting and bullshyt.

Have you thought about Meetups where people just meet others with the same interest or hobbies..

I do think talking to a Therapist could help you, No people dont bond right away with a T that takes time and trust to be built.

Another thing you might want to look into is finding a "life coach" these people can help you more closely i guess for lack of a better word learn to make small attainable goals to help you meet other people and how to interact.

There was a member couple years ago that was having same type problems.. Found a life coach and it did help her to understand the dating world and even how to just go out and try different ways to attract people, Maybe it wont be romantic could be just a friend, But friends are important.

[Bill3]

I don't know how to be personal with people because I don't know how to be personal with myself. I think I neglect myself.

What do you mean by being personal with yourself?

Thanks!

[wolfgaze]

Can you give some examples of how your dialogue is 'formal'? It's not clear to me... Thanks!

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you mean by being personal with yourself?

Thanks!

So, it's not that I don't have emotions, but I only realize that I felt something about five years on (really!). I don't recognize when I'm hurt or when I'm happy. I guess I just don't ever indulge my desires because I don't know what they are. I don't know what makes me happy. I just keep going. And I don't realize how it must have been a feat until I look back.

So I guess treat myself impersonally. I don't seem to recognize that I am a person with emotions and all that. I treat myself like a stranger, maybe...

Actually, I related a lot to the description for "over controlled" adult from the radically open dbt link...

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Can you give some examples of how your dialogue is 'formal'? It's not clear to me... Thanks!

I don't know... I'll try to think of something. Tbh, I think I don't have examples because all of my dialogue is scripted by society, things like, "How are you," and "that's great!". I am extremely polite, and don't get to know people. (It's not that I'm like Mr. Collins from Pride and Prejudice, lol). The wall is up, but it's not that I put it there... it just is there....

I feel that there is a surface level, which I am on, and then there is another deeper level. It's something in the ease of communication that I see in other people. I'll try to be clearer later....

[Bill3]

Actually, I related a lot to the description for "over controlled" adult from the radically open dbt link...

I thought that you might.

I wonder if doing that sort of therapy might be possible for you near your location.

What helps me right now is being in a very simple work environment. I'm at a retail pharmacy store, and I work as a pharmacy assistant (a general worker profession). Working in a place which is quite messed up when it comes to rules and organization, you can slowly begin to compromise with such imperfect system, compromise with imperfect workers and eventually allow yourself to "slip" into casualness and have a little fun while working.
In fact, work environments in general can be good for you, as while they're never perfect, you can keep being yourself while allowing yourself to gradually be more flexible.