Grieving the Expectations

Hi,

I moved to the US last september in order to know/be and build something with my partner. It was really difficult to leave my home, my family and my friends. However, because of his studies and my taste for adventure, I decided to move. And I was not very interested in long distance relationship.
In September, I have to go back in Canada. My partner and I were expecting him to finish school in Spring 2018. I thought September to January wasn't bad — I would have tried to go back in the US in January until he finishes school. Also, he kind of wants to graduate before building something bigger together.

Although, we just learned that he will finish school in December 2018, including Summer 2018.
As I learned to accept the upcoming distance and time, now I am left with sadness and frustration. I feel like I have to grieve the expectations or ideas that I had and welcome the changes.
I don't know how. I don't want to sacrifice again. I don't want to wait that long to build something and be reunited.
Is anyone in the same situation? What did you do?

I agree that you have to grieve the expectations or ideas. I do not agree that you have to welcome the changes.

Think about other significant losses. Mourning is all about learning to cope with something significant that we do not welcome, such as a death. It is not about coming to welcome the death.

Here there was a death of sorts, the death of your expectations or ideas. I am very sorry for your loss. In mourning this loss, you can in time come to ease the pain, integrate the loss into your life, and build meaning from it.

I can understand from my own experience and want you to know you are not alone.

Gosh these words helped me. I hope the OP can also gain some comfort from this.

Wow Bill3. That's excellent advice that could apply to the losses associated with MI. Thank you.

If I understand well (I'm French speaking), grieving the ideas and expectations or even desires that I have is healthy. But I don't have to welcome the changes... I don't know if I understand this part.
Does that mean I don't have to accept them?

You don't have to accept any of it. If I were you and if I was young, I'd move back home and date others. When he's done with school he can try again if you're free.

He's known he wasn't going to graduate when he told you he was, I wonder how long he waited to tell you.

Don't put your life on hold for ANYONE. Keep it moving. If he can catch up, fine, if not oh well.

It's also possible he won't graduate in December 2018 if he doesn't pass all his classes or can't afford to take the ones he needs, so there is no guarantee he's done then either.

Yes , grieving expectations isn't easy. My expectations 10 years ago when I moved here was to fence my farm & bring my horse here to be with me. Finances fell apart & the move was actually my leaving a bad marriage & still waiting at afford to get the divorce.

The one thing I found about not having expectations happen as planned & having to wait....it has definitely developed my patience & skills of accepting things the way they are & not the way I wish they were.

It's NOT EASY....but anything good is worth waiting for & will work out when the time is right, keeping an analytical eye open along the way for possible need for change in plans. I am finally getting my horse here this summer. Worth the wait.

Eskielover,

"It's NOT EASY....but anything good is worth waiting for & will work out when the time is right, keeping an analytical eye open along the way for possible need for change in plans. I am finally getting my horse here this summer. Worth the wait."

I keep this in mind too. I'm thinking that I've been in the US for a year now. Leaving home was hard and I may be strong enough to manage a long-distance relationship even if it's as hard as leaving my home. It is still worth it.

Relationships are unpredictable. I might end up leaving him or vice versa. He may find a way to be together sooner or often. We may find a solution. I don't know. As for right now, I'm trying to accept this grief by taking time to express my sadness and frustration in a healthy way. I'm trying not to sabotage myself or my relationship — as I'm pretty good at self-sabotage.

Molinit, I understand what you're telling me but I feel that it would be going against my heart. Why would I date other men if I love him? I don't want to put my plans or projects on hold for him when I go back home. I'll start new things on my own such as classes and work. However, I'll try this long distance relationship and see where it leads us. I'm 26 and I'm just ready to build a strong and long-term relationship. Unfortunately, school is in the way right now but I try to remember that it is temporary.

A part of me want to run back home and quit. On the other hand, I feel quite silly considering to give up because of distance and school - which is actually great to have ambitions. I knew we were going to do long distance relationship at some point in time. It was inevitable.

He didn't know he had more credits to take for school. I think he is telling me the truth; he left school for the navy and thought these credits would count. They do not really count after all.
He's also disappointed because he doesn't feel like going to school another whole year. But here he is!

He subscribed to school before being in a relationship with me. I know he left the Navy to have a better life and now that he's with me, I bet he wants a better life for us. I just don't know how to cope with the reality and the grief. I don't know how to accept the reality without losing him - I don't want to.

Sounds like you're thinking with clarity and know what you want to do. I'm sorry you two will be apart but I'm sure you can make it work. One thing I wanted to say...you don't need to welcome the loss of expectations but if you don't accept this reality then you're resisting it and that could make it more painful. Best wishes.

Thank you, Jennifer.

Grieving without self-sabotaging is very hard. Grieving while trying to make the most of the time left and enjoy every day is also difficult, especially because I overthink or think too much.
However, I decided to talk to my partner about my feelings and apprehension. Surprisingly, he understood. He tried to cheer me up a little.