Hi...I mainly joined this forum in the hope I could support somebody dear in my life, but I've failed. A little history;

My friend and I went a long way back. As kids, we were pretty much inseparable and, I always thought we'd be "lifers" then, as is, we both grew up, moved away, etc. Cutting a very long one short, I eventually found out last year, this friend is suffering from serious mental health issues. I won't go into it, I know that their odd behaviour, the evasion, brushing things off, strenuously denying that anythings wrong, etc, are all part of the illness. I've tried (I believe) everything, over the best part of the last 20 years, to firstly, find out what's been happening and to try and understand them, and to try relating to them....things will be fine for a while and then, if it doesn't go silent, it all gets extremely strange between us.

I know I've been wrong, but, I've lost patience several times now, with my friend, and of course nobody needs that. I sent a final text this morning, I actually feel we are best of apart. A 30 odd year friendship, gone. I tried talking, I promise I did, but it didn't go anywhere. We used to be able to talk for hours constantly....our last meeting was pleasant enough, only that it felt like being with your Aunty, neither of us knew what to say. Is it ever ok to call time and give up?

I'm wondering if this has to be a case of calling time or if instead you could adjust your expectations of the friendship instead? For example knowing that talking for hours can't happen now but instead you will have a pleasant time as you describe.

It sounds like you care about her greatly to come on here to try to understand what she is going through better, and while that's a positive thing to do it may be that understanding her condition is not realistic. It might be more a case of accepting her as she is and accepting you may never understand her.

Only you will know whether this friendship is ultimately viable however.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Hinny: My personal opinion is... all you can do is all you can do. I'm sorry such a long friendship has seemingly come to an end. My best wishes to you...

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Hinny

Hi...I mainly joined this forum in the hope I could support somebody dear in my life, but I've failed. A little history;

My friend and I went a long way back. As kids, we were pretty much inseparable and, I always thought we'd be "lifers" then, as is, we both grew up, moved away, etc. Cutting a very long one short, I eventually found out last year, this friend is suffering from serious mental health issues. I won't go into it, I know that their odd behaviour, the evasion, brushing things off, strenuously denying that anythings wrong, etc, are all part of the illness. I've tried (I believe) everything, over the best part of the last 20 years, to firstly, find out what's been happening and to try and understand them, and to try relating to them....things will be fine for a while and then, if it doesn't go silent, it all gets extremely strange between us.

I know I've been wrong, but, I've lost patience several times now, with my friend, and of course nobody needs that. I sent a final text this morning, I actually feel we are best of apart. A 30 odd year friendship, gone. I tried talking, I promise I did, but it didn't go anywhere. We used to be able to talk for hours constantly....our last meeting was pleasant enough, only that it felt like being with your Aunty, neither of us knew what to say. Is it ever ok to call time and give up?

Relationships change over time, that's inevitable. I'm probably not the best person to talk about friendships because for the most part I don't have any friends, I have acquaintances. Friends I had when I was younger have moved on and are doing their things, I'm doing mine.

I am one of those people that is horrible in social situations. I'm socially awkward and I find social events stressful, even with people I have known for a long time. Occasionally, but not that often, I am able to move beyond that and the real me comes back out.

Anyway -- it's possible that's how your friend feels. It's not that you've done anything wrong, or that she's mad or upset with you, but that she just cannot find it in her to really engage. This can be caused by mental illness, or just by introversion, or both.

A lot of introverts communicate better in writing. Maybe try reaching out by email, or snail mail.

[Unrigged64072835]

Maybe your friend is isolating. That can happen.

Taking some time off and meet other people would help. Put less stress on this relationship.

[Sunflower123]

While I certainly understand calling time on your friendship, are you posting to find a way to justify it? If so, you don't need to. If it's not working then it's best to let it go. Having said that, since people change as they grow could your friendship adapt as well? So maybe you don't do, act, talk the way you did before can it morph into something equally fulfilling? Just a thought.

Lol, I have no need to justify myself, I'm here for advice...sorry but that's what the idea of post is x

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Hinny

Lol, I have no need to justify myself, I'm here for advice...sorry but that's what the idea of post is x

I didn't initially see where you were asking for advice. I support you in your need to call time on your friendship. People change. You did your best. I'm here if you need to talk.

(((Thanks, everybody))) Oh, boy....I actually dunno how best to word this. Please don't judge me, or think I'm hating on anyone. This is my ignorance, but, it's part of what the issue is I have with my friend, so, I'm just sounding off, I admit my attitude warrants a serious reboot. Ty again, your comments have already helped provide me with new thinking.

My friend has combined anxiety/clinical depression. I've had years of very sketchy contact, but, since finding out about her illness, I know why. I'm giving her a break, I hope not permanently so, I just know I'm not good for her just now. What I can't get my head around is, how can someone be that depressed (they say they can't retain a friendship) yet she has a full packed busy life....I know how bad this sounds, but, after all this time, it comes across as an excuse, on her part. Yes, I know it's illness, however...it's like, so your busy, but your depression stops you from reaching out (she was like it before any row) so, what gives? I know that's horrible, truly, but I know it's not all on me. I don't get how or why depression stops people from reaching out, she tells me we are still close, I am not feeling this.

[Sunflower123]

Didn't you say in one of your previous posts you've tried talking with her? What was her response? Anxiety/depression can act it different ways but if she's busy with other things, I find it suspicious. Maybe you're right about giving it a break and then trying again. Best wishes.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Hinny. I can tell you from personal experience that if someone is severely depressed, then that person doesn't feel like doing anything--much less picking up the phone to call a friend, write, etc.

I say just give it time. Don't consider that you have lost a friend as yet. As was suggested, though, seek out other friends. Okay?

[East17]

Your friend sounds as though she is a functioning depressive. Able to maybe hold down a job / have a family life / carry out the day to day stuff, but underneath all that is a person who is struggling to hold it all together. Sometimes we get through through on autopilot, but there's nothing left for anything over and above just coping with that.

I can see both sides of the issue.

I cut my friends loose when this depression started. I don't want to bring them down. And I have no idea how my husband stands it with me.

My husband is here for me, regardless. I can't help thinking how nice it would be to have real life friends to call on.
Maybe, like me, she's a different person. Maybe all you need to do to be a great friend is to let her know that you're there to listen.

Unless she's a strain on your own mental health. Then it's your own call what to do.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by East17

Your friend sounds as though she is a functioning depressive. Able to maybe hold down a job / have a family life / carry out the day to day stuff, but underneath all that is a person who is struggling to hold it all together. Sometimes we get through through on autopilot, but there's nothing left for anything over and above just coping with that.

This statement describes my situation nearly perfectly. CPTSD and GAD and situational depression have been torturing me for over a year. I work full time, I maintain 4 websites as a freelancer, self teach myself programming, keep a home, care for my MI daughter, do yard work. I have bad knees and am one back injury away from back surgery. At the end of the day and on the weekends, I just want to veg. I don't want to talk or visit or go do fun things with people. I just want to build up the energy so I can do it one more day, one more week. Because I have to. It's just survival.

Reb and East, is it possible to tell us what would help you, or what you would find comforting?

I would like to know so that I might be able to not overwhelm someone who's like this...I respect a decision and we all know what's good for ourselves, but would there be something that you would be happy for without feeling the obligation to reach out in return?
Thanks in advance and sorry for the threadjack, Hinny.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Reb and East, is it possible to tell us what would help you, or what you would find comforting?

I would like to know so that I might be able to not overwhelm someone who's like this...I respect a decision and we all know what's good for ourselves, but would there be something that you would be happy for without feeling the obligation to reach out in return?
Thanks in advance and sorry for the threadjack, Hinny.

Sorry for the delay responding. I don't always have a lot of time to spend on here and I missed this response yesterday.

For me, short conversations, a quick text or call are fine. Long conversations or outings are pretty much out because they can be exhausting and I'm generally already exhausted.

I know it's hard for the friend who isn't struggling with MI to deal with a friend who is. My biggest piece of advice is don't give up on your friend, continue leading your life, but leave an opening for him or her to slip back into your life when ready. Reach out just to say Hi once in awhile.

Hey Y'all...I really just wanted to acknowledge all your suggestions/feedback, say thanks, and report that, yup, think I'll leave be. I'm sure I tried everything (regarding the friendship) lol, it doesn't appear to be enough effort, so, chalk down to experience. If she contacted me, lovely, but won't hold my breath. This is the first time I've ever walked away from someone....it freaking hurts!

[avlady]

yes depression can bring out the worst of a person, but some people handle it so well as i mean hide it until they break and then hurt others emotionally and psychically. Be very careful about her feelings as i know myself a person can fall apart just from a few words so don't take it personally.good luck