[MaxAugusts]

Hello all,

First and foremost I want to apologize if this is not exactly the right place to post such a topic, but I figured since it deals with a relationship that it fit the bill for the category.

I have been with my girlfriend for seven (7) months now and aside from one instance of oral sex on our second day of dating, there has been absolutely no sex whatsoever. My girlfriend refuses to talk about it in any meaningful way. What I've extrapolated from the miniscule dialogue we have had from time-to-time when the subject came up is that her first sexual experience with her ex was... not satisfying. In fact, her exact words were "I felt absolutely nothing."

I have found myself frustrated not only due to the lack of sex, but her avoidance of the subject. She says she doesn't like talking about it, and will display some manner of anger if the subject is pushed. Not long ago we got into an argument, and as it was calming down, I cracked the joke (at this point we were both cracking jokes) that I believe our problem is we both need to get laid.

Her response, exactly as she said it, was: "If you think that then you can f*** off." She does not even seem to think lack of sex is harmful to a long-term relationship, and has expressed in the past she firmly believes that there is no such thing as passionate sex. She believes sex is only for the process of making babies, and no pleasure can be derived from the act of sex.

I love this girl and she expresses her love for me in her own ways, and directly, but she doesn't understand not only the sexual frustration I feel with the complete lack of sex but also how it makes me feel inwardly about myself. It makes me think she doesn't find me sexually attractive, among other things.

Honestly, I have no one to talk about this. We live with her mother and step-dad, and while her step-dad and I are close, I don't feel comfortable having this discussion with him. He may have only been in my girlfriend's life for about six years, and only seriously in her life for the last three, but it is still his step-daughter.

Her mother understands my girlfriend better and is like a walking shrink, but again, it's her mother. It's not exactly something I feel confortable talking to her mother about. That, and the fear of even mentioning it to the woman.

Regardless, I just... I don't know. I really care for this girl and I'm happy I'm with her. Lord knows I had tried multiple times over several years before she finally came around, and funny enough, she was the one who asked me out. But the lack of sex is just... frustrating, and quite frankly causing problems in other areas of our relationship that she fails to realize or care to comprehend.

I dunno what exactly I'm looking for, but I am glad to have gotten that much off my chest.

[Molinit]

You never have to have another conversation with her about it because you already have your answer. It's not going to happen anytime soon.

So while you love her, to stay would mean you are giving up any type of sex for the foreseeable future.

If this is something you need as part of your relationship, best to move out, break up and find someone who has some kind of a libido. There is no fixing this person, she is not ready to discuss or do anything about it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello MaxAugusts: Honestly I don't know what to tell you about this other than to reiterate what Molinit wrote. It strikes me that one of two things is going on here. One possibility is that your gf is asexual. There are people who simply have no interest in sex. If you search "asexuality" on YouTube, you'll find numerous videos on this topic.

The other possibility is that there are experiences in your gf's past that she has not dealt with & does not want to talk about. Perhaps your gf doesn't really know for sure what is going on with her herself. She simply knows she has no interest in sex. Either way, unfortunately, there's probably little or nothing you can do to change this. And that being the case, it just becomes a matter of you deciding which is more important... sex or your relationship with your girlfriend.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're in this position. I agree with the previous posters. I would probably make another attempt at having a conversation with her about this and don't let her change the subject. Tell her this is an issue important to you that needs to be addressed and resolved so you're both on the same page. Good luck and best wishes.

[wolfgaze]

Max, what about really exploring other types of sensual and satisfying physical contact with her? Sensual hugging & holding one another in eachothers' arms for extended periods of time, lying in certain positions together, massages, etc... She may feel much more comfortable with this because it's not actual 'sex', yet such close contact and intimacy can be extremely rewarding... Maybe she will find that she will awaken something within herself that has been dormant for a while now, due to her past experiences...

Sex is not the end all / be all... In fact for males the pleasure associated with the sexual release is extremely short-lived - and then that release significant depletes us of our mental, sexual, and physical energy afterwards... I would venture to guess that the majority of people out there do not sufficiently and thoroughly explore the type of physical contact that I alluded to in my first paragraph because they are way too focused on simply just having 'sex' and getting their short-lived reward (climax)...

Since your GF is currently not wanting or willing to pursue regular sexual relations - this might be a great opportunity for both of you to explore different manners of experiencing physical intimacy and pleasure... Give her an hour long massage with no expectation of receiving anything or any 'favor' in return - just simply because you care about her and you find it rewarding to make her feel good...

[NeedHaldol]

You need to really think about staying with this person. I don't think you will change her.

You need to look out for yourself. If you need sex and are not getting it, it maybe time to look for someone else.

That may sound rough, but if she doesn't care about you enough to try and meet your needs on sex, what else is she willing to withhold from you?