My insecurities are ruining my marriage....

Hello,

I have been married for 7 months now, my husband and I have been together for about 6 years. Overall we have an amazing relationship, this the second marriage for both of us.

I noticed that after we got married my insecurities got very much out of control. I have always been a jealous person but I could always control it, now it controls me. What happened two months ago has made it even worse...here it goes.

Since we started living together 2 years before marrying we had agreed that neither one of us would give out our phone numbers to the opposite sex unless it was absolutely necessary and we would first consult with one another. I was checking my husbands call log and I saw a number that seemed new to me, I dialed it and it was a woman. Instead of me telling him what I found I gave him a story about a male coworker giving me his phone number, to my surprise my husband responded with "OK babe, that's fine". To that response I said "wait a minute do you have a female friends phone number" he admitted he did and he also admitted he didn't want to tell me because of how "jealous" I am. What hurt me the most was that he saved the coworkers phone number under a male's name. This was a complete violation to our marriage. Even though he has apologize and I am certain nothing happened between him and this girl I cannot forgive him and move on. This girl can be his daughter, she is 19 while my husband is 39, and I have seen all the interaction and it's all work related. It has been two months since this happened and I still harbor feelings of anger and resentment towards him. Everyday I bring up the topic, everyday I open up the wound and make him feel like the worse person ever. I am currently seeing a therapist but I don't feel like she is helping me, I plan to find another therapist. My distrust is so out of control that I go through his phone while he sleeps. I never find anything, but at the same time I can't stop. I want to stop, I just don't know how. He has made all attempts to fix his mistake, apologized, I have the girls number, I have access to all the interaction but still, it's not enough for me. Every day I harass him about this and everyday he tells me it's getting to a point where he can't tolerate it. I really do want to stop but I feel that he betrayed me, he lied and hid from me and if he is capable of hiding something so small, what else is he capable of?

Please help, any advice will be appreciated....

What was his explanation for saving the women's number under a male name? I can see why you would be insecure and he needs to earn your trust back (because to you it was a betrayal) but it will wear both of you down if it continues. You said you are going to try another therapist. Try to work this out in therapy and if there is still an issue then possibly couples counseling.

Bottom line: do you trust him?

His explanation is that we were already fighting about jealousy before this happened. I will admit that yes my insecurities have been a problem before this incident. It has been to the point of us not being able to socialize with his family because I'm insecure around my sister in law, his brothers wife. He says that I led him to hide it and he did it so that the question and fighting would stop. I am here for that reason because my jealousy and insecurities are ruining my life. Thank you for replying.

Hi Zreyes26. I get jealous too. I check his emails his phone at night and facebook. I have sometimes the feeling that my husband is scared of me. But I don't know he always tells me everting even the things that I might get jealous from. I hate the feeling too. I don't know how to stop it comes and goes with me. it is period's.

I think you need to seek counselling. I don't say this sarcastically, I say that seriously.

The fact that you stated:

"Since we started living together 2 years before marrying we had agreed that neither one of us would give out our phone numbers to the opposite sex unless it was absolutely necessary and we would first consult with one another." -

Is exceptionally alarming.

That is not a "normal" boundary for a relationship to have to seek "permission" to get the opposite sex's number.

Sounds like there were a lot of trust / jealousy issues prior to this. And I don't know where it's stemming from.

Maybe he relented in the beginning because of your jealousy and just said that. Or maybe you pushed him to say that.

Where is all of this coming from?

I sure as hell would not ask my partner for "permission" to get a male friend's number. And nor should I.

Yeah, I think working on your trust issues is the only solution.. couple counselling would be the best option though (perhaps with another T since the current one isn't working).

Whose idea was the ban on opposite sex phone numbers?

What sort of treatment methods does your therapist use?

It sounds like his phone has become an obsession for you. As such, consideration should be given to telling him to lock his phone, so that you must face your fear and cannot seek endless, unhelpful reassurance by opening it every night.

I don't think that by talking to him about it every day that your helping the situation. He was wrong by putting her under a guys name. Did he apologize?

I think it's good you are in therapy.

Have you explored why you feel threatened by other women? I think the underlying insecurity is the issue here. He chose you, you were his choice, but it's not reasonable to expect him to not contact colleagues or friends in an appropriate context.

I agree with Bill that it may be unhelpful to keep checking his phone, in fact it might be feeding an anxiety you have - and as you have found out it is not a sure fire way to track his communications. There is no sure fire way to track communications - that is why couples ultimately have to trust each other.

This sounds deep rooted in something much, much bigger than this phone situation.

What happened that created this opposite gender situation? It must be something in your life's history or even something about your relationship, itself that nags away at you, keeping you up at night petrified of the worst case scenario which in turn is driving a wedge between you.

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. I can't help, but I can assure you that you aren't alone, you're not the only one. I am extremely insecure and irrationally jealous and paranoid about my partner. We are getting married next month and I need to try and stop this behaviour. I hope you find a therapist who can help. Any helpful advice please post!!