[Zoeee]

Ok I just need to come out and say something about this, it has been on my mind for so long. I'd very much appreciate anyone's opinion.

I'm 44, female. Never married. No kids. Have less than 3 dozens Facebook friends. And literally no friends in real life. Considered myself super introverted. INTJ they called it.

Now let me explain: I moved around a lot from country to country when I was in university, and did not retain any friendship there. Starting work, I did have colleagues that were close, but when I changed jobs, the relationship drifted apart. 7 years ago I started my own business, which means, no office politics (good), no one around(good/bad), and I'm working alone.

I'm diligent and productive, so on the business end it's a good thing. And having lived that many years, went through big and small hurdles, I at last made some progress to secure some comfort in life.

Now, this is what I think: all said above is just a Big Fat lie, except for my biz. So where are the BF lies? Well, i moved around a lot that's true, but my datings during my twenties and thirties weren't too successful neither. I feel I'm always afraid of commitment. And nowadays, I pretend to be busy so that I don't go out make friends, not even go to Christmas parties that are being held by biz partners. Why? I'm afraid of going alone, seeing everyone with spouses etc. I was ridiculed once when I went to a meeting held by a biz partner's son, and let me tell ya, these days, Millennials with backgrounds can say **** with attitudes they don't care who you are. So, yes, I ignore them, and avoid them.

I guess, everyone is vulnerable, especially those who attempts to hurt. I look at everyone around me, trying to learn what life is all about. My friends on Facebook are primarily my high school acquaintances. 30% of them are not married. Ok, I thought, that makes me look more normal. But since these "friends" and I haven't met for so long and I was not close to them in the first place, anything I said on Facebook has no reference whatsoever. And I just leave my account near blank.

Worth mentioning is, one of my high school friends and I got back through Facebook. We were at least quite close when young. So we went out couple of times and catch up with each other. But people change as their environment changes. When they know and compare your life with theirs, very few can share your happiness of success. Moreover, she has kids and family and the difficulties of her life is very different from mine. So there, again, friendship is drifting apart despite the close physical proximity.

I look at my parents. They are in their 70s now, argue day in and day out on small things, and when I'm with them, they argue with me too. They're too late in their lives and too frail to talk about divorce. In a way, they help each other out in terms of mobility and memory, and those are the topics of arguments. And I avoid them too, since I really want to keep peace and not argue anymore. I'm saddened by this. I see others at their age, apparently appreciating their year's together and treasuring their fewer and fewer time left. But of course, there are those who got divorced long ago.

Then I look at my colleagues. One of them, about my age, passed away few months ago. We were the closer friends, and she'd given me a pointer in several aspects of my life before. You'd think, live-life's moment, treasure the people around you, apply here. But to me, they do not.

I'm as if a bystander, an analytic, a watcher and never a participant in life. People say life is about making memories. But if I were to disappear from the face of the earth, I'll have nothing like that that's worth remembering.

No love, no family, no kids, no friends, I really don't know where to go from here...

[Zoeee]

And not to mention, all the time spent joining bible study group, professional organization, summer socials and alike, were more like one big exhaustion than doing anything good for me...

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Zoeee

And not to mention, all the time spent joining bible study group, professional organization, summer socials and alike, were more like one big exhaustion than doing anything good for me...

Is there something you really like doing? Youre not young, but you are not old! Have you tried Meetup.com? I am in a similar situation, but 20 years older. Can you travel?

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Since the other things haven't worked out for you what about volunteering somewhere a few hours a week to meet people? I hope things start looking up for you. Best wishes.

[treevoice]

As I read your post, I found myself wondering if you are truly unhappy with your life or if you are simply feeling "abnormal"? There were moments where it sounded like you chose the life you have, that maybe isolation feels natural to you. Is that the case, or are you truly unhappy? I would technically be considered a millennial, but I am on the older end of the spectrum. That has given me the unique opportunity to be immersed in both the millenial culture and that of the older generations. I exhibit qualities of both. But one thing that I'm seeing happening in the youth culture is a departure from traditional family roles. Part of that is, of course, an economic reality - it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to be able to have children and still survive in this world. But part of it is also a shift in the culture of love. I've seen a rise in people who choose to go it alone, or choose non-traditional relationships (polyamory/multiple partners, asexual relationships, multi-family relationships, etc). Foremost, I wanted to say, that if you are feeling abnormal - I would encourage you to see that you aren't. To me, the most beautiful shift I'm seeing in our culture (in spite of backlashes and the ever-present urge to return to old ways), is a rise in the embracing of individual identity. It's becoming less and less taboo to carve your own way in this world and be who you are at your core rather than consenting to the social constructs of our parents/grandparents. On the other hand, however, if you are feeling that you are missing out on something or that you chose a wrong path, it's never too late to change course. My experience of people in general has been that most people want to connect and make new relationships, but the art of doing so is changing (at best) or slipping away (at worst). When someone new reaches out to me, I find myself incredibly relieved on the one hand, or terrified on the other, because I've (and so many of us have) cloistered ourselves up in the safe little worlds we know. But all it takes to shatter that is to extend a hand or a message, and many people are waiting and willing to accept. At the end of the day, I hope you will step down the path that makes the most sense to you, and find peace in knowing that you've lived the life you've chosen and that each day is a new choice for where that life will lead.

Wishing you luck, love, and direction. <3

[Zoeee]

Travelling is actually a very good idea. I haven't done that for the past 15 years. Time for some change. Even if, and it'd be nice if, I do it alone.

I don't have problem with solitude, in fact I enjoy it most of the time. But there is a fine line between that and feeling lonely...

Never heard of MeetUp before. Googled it. Sounds interesting. I get super stressed out when meeting people, though, old or new acquaintances... I could get up and challenge myself, or I could hole up until...

Ah, a fellow INTJ I see and a female one at that. Female INTJs are like unicorns because of how rare they are

Anyways, people like us have our own sets of challenges, especially if we had to grow up in less than ideal living situations or had to deal with any type of abuse or neglect.

For us, finding and keeping friends can be difficult because we are stuck inside our heads and involved with our own lives and ideas so often. On top of that, we seem to scare people with how cool and collected we tend to be most of the time. But even us kings and queens of the introverts need people to understand and accept us. After all, we are all social creatures, yes?

With that being said, I would suggest trying to find meetups with people like you who are either introverts themselves or have similar hobbies. Perhaps you have a hobby that doesn't pertain to your business? Or perhaps you could find like minded people to discuss ideas with? Try finding a club or meetup of some kind for people similar to you. I know for me, I'm into computers, technology, anime, and other more "nerdy" things so I have had to seek out people with similar interests to be able to have friendships and even then, most of my friendships are online.

Finally, I don't think having a spouse or children is a necessity to be happy, especially for us introverts. I think having a few close friends to spend time with is enough to feel a sense of belonging. As for a legacy of some type, I'm sure the work you would have to put into having a business will accomplish that without the need of children.

You are a special person who is certainly worthy of happiness. After all, female INTJs are what? 0.2% of the human population? Don't think that you aren't special because you are.

[Zoeee]

Originally Posted by treevoice

As I read your post, I found myself wondering if you are truly unhappy with your life or if you are simply feeling "abnormal"? There were moments where it sounded like you chose the life you have, that maybe isolation feels natural to you. Is that the case, or are you truly unhappy? I would technically be considered a millennial, but I am on the older end of the spectrum. That has given me the unique opportunity to be immersed in both the millenial culture and that of the older generations. I exhibit qualities of both. But one thing that I'm seeing happening in the youth culture is a departure from traditional family roles. Part of that is, of course, an economic reality - it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to be able to have children and still survive in this world. But part of it is also a shift in the culture of love. I've seen a rise in people who choose to go it alone, or choose non-traditional relationships (polyamory/multiple partners, asexual relationships, multi-family relationships, etc). Foremost, I wanted to say, that if you are feeling abnormal - I would encourage you to see that you aren't. To me, the most beautiful shift I'm seeing in our culture (in spite of backlashes and the ever-present urge to return to old ways), is a rise in the embracing of individual identity. It's becoming less and less taboo to carve your own way in this world and be who you are at your core rather than consenting to the social constructs of our parents/grandparents. On the other hand, however, if you are feeling that you are missing out on something or that you chose a wrong path, it's never too late to change course. My experience of people in general has been that most people want to connect and make new relationships, but the art of doing so is changing (at best) or slipping away (at worst). When someone new reaches out to me, I find myself incredibly relieved on the one hand, or terrified on the other, because I've (and so many of us have) cloistered ourselves up in the safe little worlds we know. But all it takes to shatter that is to extend a hand or a message, and many people are waiting and willing to accept. At the end of the day, I hope you will step down the path that makes the most sense to you, and find peace in knowing that you've lived the life you've chosen and that each day is a new choice for where that life will lead.


Wishing you luck, love, and direction. <3

Thanks so much Treevoice.

Yes, you're quite right about the millennial culture, and the ironic thing is, sometimes I think back when I was in my 20s and 30s, my attitude towards life was very similar to them! So I see my own reflection in retrospect. I guess I had strummed some people's nerves without knowing it back then.

I get along with myself pretty well, and I'm not feeling unhappy or abnormal. Nor do I feel I'd chosen the wrong path. "Missing out on something" is the closest of what I feel, I think. And the means to change that is the hardest part...

[Zoeee]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Ah, a fellow INTJ I see and a female one at that. Female INTJs are like unicorns because of how rare they are

Anyways, people like us have our own sets of challenges, especially if we had to grow up in less than ideal living situations or had to deal with any type of abuse or neglect.

For us, finding and keeping friends can be difficult because we are stuck inside our heads and involved with our own lives and ideas so often. On top of that, we seem to scare people with how cool and collected we tend to be most of the time. But even us kings and queens of the introverts need people to understand and accept us. After all, we are all social creatures, yes?

With that being said, I would suggest trying to find meetups with people like you who are either introverts themselves or have similar hobbies. Perhaps you have a hobby that doesn't pertain to your business? Or perhaps you could find like minded people to discuss ideas with? Try finding a club or meetup of some kind for people similar to you. I know for me, I'm into computers, technology, anime, and other more "nerdy" things so I have had to seek out people with similar interests to be able to have friendships and even then, most of my friendships are online.

Finally, I don't think having a spouse or children is a necessity to be happy, especially for us introverts. I think having a few close friends to spend time with is enough to feel a sense of belonging. As for a legacy of some type, I'm sure the work you would have to put into having a business will accomplish that without the need of children.

You are a special person who is certainly worthy of happiness. After all, female INTJs are what? 0.2% of the human population? Don't think that you aren't special because you are.

Oh yes, I can totally relate. The high school friend I got back with has told me only recently, that since I was a kid I have been looking so darn serious that people feel scared to be around me. Imagine, after all these years, I really had no clue until now! Like the lightbulb above my head suddenly light up after 44 years of being inutile.

And I do agree. Spouse and children are not necessarily leading to happiness. Too many cases around me are proving it...

Thanks for being so encouraging, DarknessIs, I'll see about the MeetUp, and I think travelling is my next thing.

[Oatter]

That's the trick to life: everyone's got their own meaning, there is no one-size-fits-all thing. You need never marry or have kids (childfree).

Millennials with backgrounds can say **** with attitudes they don't care who you are. So, yes, I ignore them, and avoid them.

haha tell me about it. I'm a millennial myself, but many of my peers put me off with their bloated egos, cynicism and lack of integrity.

[Oatter]

That's the catch with life: we all have our own meaning attached to it, there's no one size fits all thing. You needn't ever marry or have kids (childfree).
The answer is: whatever makes YOU happy and fulfilled.

Originally Posted by Zoeee

and let me tell ya, these days, Millennials with backgrounds can say **** with attitudes they don't care who you are. So, yes, I ignore them, and avoid them.

haha! Tell me about it. I'm a millennial myself and most of my peers always put me off with their bloated egos, cynicism and lack of integrity. I avoid them like a plague.