Please I Need In-Depth Advice!

Hi. I’m suffering greatly and I really need some in-depth advice. Please bear with me because this will be a tad long. Thank you so much in advance for reading this -- I feel so confused and scared it’s painful.

Before I get into the issue I need advice on, it’s probably helpful to note that I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past few years and I’ve been working on dealing with anxiety and depression related issues -- mostly focused on the realm of connection and relationships.

I go and see her about once every three weeks, and I’ve been really focusing on a few things with her. Letting my guard down and being vulnerable, especially with people I like (whether this is romantic or platonic) has been a big one. I moved a lot as a kid (I’m 25 now), and I have this crushing feeling that everyone is going to leave my life, and that any relationship I start will never last -- essentially that people will leave me and will not be there to take care of me. I know that this is irrational fear, but I feel as if I have no power to keep people in my life, as I can’t control how someone feels or what they think or what they do. Writing this out makes me feel embarrassed, crazy, and desperate.

I’ve had two serious relationships in the past -- both around two years each -- where my significant others both cheated on me. My last serious relationship was when I was 18, and I’ve had trouble committing myself to a serious relationship or just dating since then. I’ve met people at bars and had a few one-night stands over the years, but because of therapy, I realized this lifestyle wasn’t making me happy.

Anyway, I’ve been in my current job for almost over a year. I work in a team environment with (10 people to each team, with 7 or so teams overall) and a lot of people around my age (22-35) and I’ve started to get really close to a handful of people at work. In fact, I’ve share what i’m about to share with you to some of my friends.

We had someone join my team around 6 months ago and I think I’m suffering from a horrible case of unrequited love. This person shares many of my hobbies and we started out being good friends. Over time however, I started to develop feelings for her, but she has a serious long-term boyfriend who lives about an hour away from where we work and they’ve been dating for almost five years. Six months ago, I wrote these feelings off as nothing more than a simple work crush, but now I feel almost suffocated and confused by my feelings. I don’t know how her relationship is with her SO for the record, but there’s been times where we interacted where I felt like she might have feelings beyond friendship for me, too. Of course, I might just be projecting, but I’ve been trying to trust my intuition more and those are the signals I get. (If anybody wants examples, I can list them later.)

Anyway, since she’s joined I’ve slowly become closer to this person, but as my feelings have grown I’ve noticed that I’ve started to care more about what she thinks and I find it hard to relax and accept my feelings for what they are.

Meeting her has helped me find a lot of value in what I would want from someone who is available: Kindness; A sense of morals; a dark sense of humor; not being afraid to be themselves; vulnerability.

However, I find myself feeling conflicted. My heart tells me to express my feelings to her, while my brain says that’d be a bad idea. I don’t expect or want anything to happen -- I think it would just help me move on by being honest.

I’ve talked to my friends and they said it could possibly make things weird if I expressed these sentiments, which totally makes sense. One of them told me that if I or she left the company or moved, I should express my feelings then. I’d probably say something like. “Hi! I’m really going to miss you. I’ve had feelings for you for a while, and it feels important for me to let you know. I’ve always admired and been really impressed by you. I think you’re an amazing person, so please don’t ever change!”

UGH. Writing that out made me cringe and feel embarrassed -- would there be a better, less crazy way to word that?

I feel like I’m not explaining this the best, but after getting to know this person I think I might be in love and I’m scared and I don’t know what to do or how to deal with all these feelings -- I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love before. I’m terrified that if I don’t express these feelings, I never will and I could lose out on a great friendship or a great relationship by not being vulnerable. Though there’s no indication of this, I’m also scared that she or I could move and that I would never see her again. That would break my heart.

I guess here’s my whole post boiled down.

I have feelings for someone who is taken at work.
Should I express them or not?
I want this person to be in my life, but I’m having trouble dealing with my own feelings. They’re telling me this is important, but I’m scared and I don’t know how to relax and to let things be.
If I were to express my feelings, what would be a warm and normal way to do that?
I know I can’t control how this person feels about me, but as a common theme in my life, I’m scared they’re going to be a part of my life and then leave and that devastates me.

Please help me! What do I do. Should I distance myself from this person or express my feelings or do nothing at all?

P.S. I force myself to get involved in hobbies, like volunteering, meeting new people etc every week. This is just something I can’t stop thinking about or escape emotionally.

Hello Ineedahug, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once you have 5 approved posts, you will be able to enter the chat room and talk to fellow members. There is almost always someone online to chat with.

I would personally not express these feelings for her and continue to be a work friend, and nothing more. Keep working on these feelings in therapy and it should pass. Now you know the qualities you value in a partner though, because you see them in your friend. So if you ever try dating in the future, you'll know what to look for, which is awesome!

Thank you for opening up, it was very brave of you to do so!

There's a whole lot to take in and unpack here, but I wanted to start with the fear of people leaving. My mom left me as a young child and I've had a really hard time with attachment my whole life as a result. In my early days of relationships, I would cling so hard that I ended up completely smothering relationships, or let them drag on far far longer than was healthy, simply out of terror being left behind. Once I got older, I swung to the other side of the spectrum, and stopped making connections at all, because it was just easier that way. To this day, I tend to shut down any feelings (platonic or otherwise) I might have for a person, simply because it's easier than the fear of being left behind, because all relationships eventually end, one way or another. But, I started seeking help for that. I tried to convince myself that my thinking was illogical, that there would always be someone to care for me, but that idea always fell flat. All evidence proves to the contrary. So, I've been working on a different method of healing. I'm trying to come to appreciate the value of a moment, however fleeting it may be. There is something precious about a moment - whether it last minutes or year - it's no small thing to choose to be with someone or spend time with someone or share a moment of vulnerability. I'm choosing to come to accept love in whatever form it takes, and let go of whatever notion of "forever" I've tried to impose on relationships in the past. I think those of us who have never seen a permanent relationship work out need to know that it's okay to let the experiences of life come and go in their own time, with their own purpose. It makes me feel better, anyway. To trust that each relationship has its time and its place, and what comes next will also have its time and its place. It's kind of nice to just not worry about the future at all, come what may.

Easier said than done, I know. Anyway...

In regards to your coworker, there's no easy answer. You have no way of knowing what the fallout will be. Truthfully, there's a good chance she's going to want to cut off the relationship entirely if you tell her the truth. Or, not. When I met my husband, I was already in a long-term relationship. It had been drawn out and unhappy for so long (for the reasons I mentioned above), that when this new person (who I adored) confessed feelings for me, it was like a miracle. A way out. But, if she is happy in her relationship, she may very well withdraw. Does the possible positive outcome outweigh the risk of the negative outcomes? If you are able to patient and the risk of losing the relationship entirely is too high, it may be worth it to wait and see what happens. Sometimes, these things have a way of coming out organically. Have you tried hanging out outside of work? That might be a good way to test the waters of how much of a distance she's holding between the two of you, depending on 1. if she's receptive to doing that and 2. what kind of setting/activity she's comfortable with. Heck, sometimes grabbing a drink together is all it takes for a person to start confessing their feelings (whether those feelings are for you or her current SO). Maybe the best course of action might be to just open the channels of communication wider, collect more information before taking any drastic action.

Good luck! <3

Excellent advice. I wish you luck.

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your insight with me. I really, really appreciate it. It must've been hard for you to open up about your feelings of attachment and abandonment, and your musings on how to deal with it have eased my pain a bit.

You use the word drastic, and that sorta helped me put all this in perspective. I think for now I'm going to try to work through these feelings (and the feelings of abandonment) through therapy and try to focus on the moment -- any more advice on how you're able to do this -- especially within any relationships you've had would be very helpful. You can probably tell I feel a bit lost.

To be honest, I feel like I should be more courageous and like I should ask her for drinks or to test the waters with something more casual. I've seen her a few times out of work with some of my friends, and I think in general she's a bit of an introvert and a homebody, but I feel a little scared on how to take that step without putting pressure on myself.

Thanks again. It makes me feel less alone knowing there's people like you in the world. I cried a bit after I read about the pain we share, and it really means a ton to me that you took the time to give a heartfelt answer.

Have you considered that her relationship with her sig. other may not be all she wishes it were. Is she living with the guy? If not, you could decide to be a contender for her affections. Try and find out the status of that relationship. If it's not totally solid . . . move in.

Here's what I wouldn't do: Don't go spilling your guts in the interest of "being honest." There are plenty of times in life when "being honest" is totally inappropriate. This may well be one of those times.

Try to find out if this is a happy young woman, content in her current relationship with future plans involving her significant other. Maybe she's not.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means the world to me to help, even just a little bit. I'm definitely no expert and I'm still struggling myself, but it is very comforting to know there are others who have similar struggles and that we don't have to go it alone.

I think that when attachment is really difficult for you, it makes it seem urgent when you do find a connection that has meaning for you. I totally get that instinct to hold on to it tightly, and it make it work. I think our best friend in these situations is patience. It takes a lot of energy to be patient, but acting too quickly and without all the information we need can be reckless and result in more pain than is needed. I think sometimes it forces the other person to make a decision that they aren't prepared to make, when you may have better results by waiting for them to establish a connection with you in their own time/way. I've been trying to force myself to patient and it isn't easy, but I've been at it for a couple years now and it has greatly reduced my anxiety to do so. I have a tendency to over analyze the people around me (looking for evidence that they are preparing to leave me), and I've said things in the past that I regret and damaged relationships by making drastic statements or spilling guts and overwhelming the other person. Especially if you haven't really broached the topic at all, I'd worry that spilling your guts to this girl may be more than she's ready to handle this early on in your relationship. I've had to accept that most people don't feel the sense of urgency in relationships that I do, and things go much more smoothly if I can take a deep breath and let things unfold in their own time. I wish I could say this could be done without putting pressure on yourself, but it is necessary to do so sometimes. It's really hard to ask someone for a cup of coffee when what you really want is to express your love, but if you think through it logically, when you hold space for someone rather than pulling them into your space, you can get a more accurate reading of where that person is at in the relationship rather than putting them on the spot. I know that holding in your feelings when they are that intense is really difficult - when I get overwhelmed and the stress becomes too much, I just focus on simple breathing exercises. The one that works best for me is is the 4-7-8 method. Inhale while counting to 4 (so your lungs should be completely full at 4), then hold while counting from 1 to 7, and then start over at 1 again and slowly exhale while counting to 8 (so your lungs should be completely empty at 8). After repeating that a few times, breath normally for a few breaths, and then repeat as needed. I find that after a couple cycles, my anxiety is reduced and I can better focus on the moment and be patient with the situation I'm facing.

I'm always happy to talk to if you ever need someone to rant to or bounce ideas off of. I'm rooting for you!

Personally I'd let the person know IF and only IF you are somewhat prepared that things could get weird and you might need to leave that job or this job isn't something that you plan on staying for the entire career.

Then I'd let her know because frankly her dating someone long distance might not be that serious at all. Now if this job is very important to you and you have no interest to leave it then I'd not risk it.

Right now I plan to eventually retire from my job/my life long career and no way I'd risk it.

But about 15-20 years ago I worked some temporary summer job and liked a guy there (who was also there for time being only) , I told him I was interested lol I guess I am not shy, he liked me as well. We tried to date but it wasn't developing into anything serious but we developed friendship and actually still occasionally keep in touch (we since both married etc)

So bottom line if this job isn't something you terribly need do tell her. Ask her for coffee perhaps. Don't necessarily profess love but suggest a little casual outing. If you value your job a lot, then don't. Good luck