[Jigglypuff]

Why? I will be 30 years old in a few months time and I have never been loved! I mean NEVER! I am socially inept and very shy but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be loved. Yet it is something that everyone else has or had at some point while It is totally non-existent for me. And it isn't that I don't try. I try really hard and don't get anywhere. It is like there is nothing attractive about me at all. Some people ask me why I am single and say that I am a nice guy (which doesn't seem to count in any way whatsoever) well I just can't answer. It is affecting everything that I do. Most times I can't take it because it hurts me so much. This is the only way I can see the rest of my life being and I can't take that. There isn't anything I can do because all that I have tried has been a complete failure even though I keep trying and trying. I do have some female friends but then I am not anything more than that. I can't be anything more than a friend. I don't mean anything to anybody. I'm just "nice". I always think about others and put others before myself. But I am left away back and someone to be used. I am running out of patience and I get very angry quickly which never ever happened before. My mood swings have increased a lot and can change in the blink of an eye. There is whole lot of pent up anger and frustration which is at boiling point (actually I would say it was very past boiling point)!

There is one other thing which I am concerned about but can't really talk to anyone about and it is pretty serious. There is something I do which I can't control when I am at my lowest point. At the time I don't care about anything or myself and this thing comes on me and I know it is wrong but I can't stop it. There is a real danger of something serious happening to me. Yet in a strange way it is like I want that to happen when I am in that condition. Obviously I don't when I am okay and I want it to stop completely.

[ltlredvett]

Don't be so hard on yourself, people make mistakes God knows that I have. If you would like to confide what this horrible thing is that you ahve done I would be willing to listen. I can be non judgemental as I have done some pretty horrendous things myself.

[ltlredvett]

Sounds like a lot of your problem is "state of mind". I can recognize it because I am the master at it. Sure sounds like you are depressed. You can only be attractive to someone if you are self confident, strong and secure. See someone to determine if it is depression. Then work on yourself, be the best person you can be. Then I would be surprised if things didn't turn around for you.

[Peanut61]

Social anxiety is much more common than you might think, JPuff. Keep posting here by all means, but why not put 'social anxiety' in google or yahoo, and see just how many websites come up, (there will be lots), many of which have some very valuable tecniques you can use to help you interact and show your true self in social situations, and ways to overcome fear about doing so, plus lot's of people with experiences just like yours. There is an anxiety forum on here as well, (for all types of anxiety), so feel free to join in there, too. Believe me, you are not alone, and this is something that you CAN conquer. Best regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[kvinneakt]

Are you looking for social situations where you might be noticed?

It might be kind of hard, but don't do the usual bars, etc. Think outside the box.

Find places where there are sure to be women: aerobic dancing, tap dance lessons, theatre groups, ballet volunteer, even the YWCA. Get a job or training in a female dominated area; go to nursing school, work in a school or nursing home or hospital.

Be very respectful, though. Be there and make friends, but don't be a rutting fool.

I suspect at age 30 you are going to soon be finding there are a lot of women your age who are returning to single life for various reasons. Just being "nice" might be exactly how exciting they are looking for.

What do you think, ladies?

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

[Dias]

That is not true
Jigglypufff we all love you
and do you like pokemon
i suppose you do if you have the
name of one i like jigglypuff
shes ok i prefure charizard
and charmeleon charmelion is my favorite! well anyway we all love you dont say noone loves you!!!!!!!
and

Welcome to the fourums!!!!

Why Fear Im Here

[Imhere4u]

I completely understand your situation. I too had the same problem. I thought that suicide was the only way out, but I thought about it, and I kept thinking that maybe that person was right there around that very cornor I was about to turn. Maybe they were there sitting next to me on the bus, and I didn't know it. Like you I tried so very hard. I even went to those stupid websites that say "Find your match!" Nothing worked. I mean nothing. So what I did was stopped trying. I know it sounds weird, but I did, and then I got married to the love of my life a year later. I actually met him at an art museum. But problems that I did face were anger, suicide, shyness, and many symptoms much like yours. I didn't go anywhere for weeks, and because of that I lowered my chances for a love relationship. I burst out with anger towards everyone, I found myself not even wanting to go to work. I hated it, I saw so many relationships that were filled with love and everything that I wanted. I even cried on stupid disney movies because there were cartoon characters that even had loved ones. But the real thing is, get out. Try something new. Take it one day at a time. I don't think anyone is 'ugly' or too shy to try something new. I think the best thing to do, is get out there in the world, take a vaccation and identify your interests and find some woman out there who has the same interests. Join a book club, even if you don't read that often. Go see a movie and not by yourself. Ask one of those girls that are "really good friends" out to dinner and maybe a play. Don't be shy and don't think that your life is almost over, you still have a long time to find the right person for you.

[mj14]

Jigglypuff, this may be small comfort, but you are certainly not alone. I have known several people in your situation...and if it gives you any hope at all, one of them, who had given up on ever having love, just got engaged at 39.

One thing that concerns me is that you describe a lot of symptoms of depression. It may be a big help to seek therapy to deal with that...after all, it is much harder to meet and to attract people when you are depressed. Also, while your goal may be to meet someone you can love and be loved by in return, there is no reason for you to be miserable until that happens, and therapy can help with that. By the way, even though your female friends are not romantic attachments, treasure them...you may find that in the end, they are more valuable than you realized.

On a more practical side, the only way to find someone to love is to meet as many people as possible. Have you ever mentioned to your female friends that you are looking for someone to date? I know many women love nothing better than to fix up their single male friends. My other general philosophy when it comes to meeting new people is "join a club. take a class"...look into local adult education classes, go to lectures at the library, join a group that has similar interests...you might not meet Miss Right the first time, but everything you do to increase your sphere helps your chances. Again, I know all of these things are very difficult when you are depressed, so I go back to the issue of therapy.

And keep talking here...we are a supportive group, and many of us have been in situations very similar to yours, so we can offer you empathy that you may not find elsewhere.

On the matter that you do not want to discuss, it is ok for you to not talk about something that makes you feel uncomfortable, but we have all seen a lot, so we'd like to help if you can find a way to talk about it. Feel free to PM or e-mail me if you'd like to discuss it in private (my e-mail address is in my profile).

Good luck, and take care of yourself.
*hugs*
mj

[jac]

I understand how you feel and a large part of my life I felt the same way. I think you should start by loving yourself. Once you look at yourself and realize how wonderful you are it will only be a matter of time before others see your new confidence. I hope you take a few minutes and go look in the mirror and see the great person that looks back at you. As you stand there, put both arms around your body and squeeze because that is a hug from me! I hope you smile by the end of this.

jac

[Jigglypuff]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your replies. In particular from imhere4u. That is pretty much about how I am at the moment. I feel like I am cracking up. I am seeing a therapist which I have been seeing for about two years but even there I have great difficulty in saying anything. Everything has felt worse in the last few weeks and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I can't see any way of it changing. I get really stressed out every night now. I can't love myself. I hate myself. I hate everything. It doesn't matter how "great" or "nice" or "good" that I am. Nothing changes the way things are. And I can't cope with this. I don't know what to do. I tried to tell my therapist some of this today but couldn't even get it out. I am going on holiday to Thailand in just over two weeks. I was looking forward to it a month or so ago but now with this on me I don't know if I can cope. The last time I was on a holiday I wanted home after the first week and cried every night for the second week until I got home. Everywhere I go, this is with me. I was out with my friend today and I just wanted to get away. I felt like I was going to explode. At some point that is going to happen. The worst time it could happen is when I am in a foreign country on my own. There are a whole lot of things that are churning around in my head. Most of the time I just get frustrated and angry and can't be around anyone.

[Rapunzel]

Can you write your therapist a letter? I went to a few different therapists over a few years, never really saying anything and never making any progress. The thing that finally made a difference was (1) I found a therapist who I feel understands me, and (2) after a while - I was still sitting there not saying much - I started writing down the things that I needed to say. The first letter that I wrote to him was to explain why my case was completely hopeless and that I wouldn't ever have a chance to get any better. He didn't tell me to write to him - I just decided to, mostly because I thought he ought to know that he was just wasting his time. He thought it was great that I wrote things down and it was at that point that I started making progress.

Good luck, and I hope you can enjoy your holiday.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[geekgirl]

JP....

Sounds like you're in a cycle where you can't see the good in yourself to be confident enough to really be loved or love yourself.

I like the idea about writing your therapist a letter. This way, you have the ideas on paper and can use them as a guide for your visits.

Sometimes, babysteps help a lot. Get your confidence up.

It's hard. Going to Thailand sounds like it's a challenge to you and your "safe" boundaries in your life. Will you actually be going alone? Or is there a friend or relative coming with you?

I can relate to your feelings alot. I just went through a really nasty divorce after a long marriage. Just that alone shredded my self confidence and self esteem to shreds. But it does help to take babysteps for me... like making sure i'd find easy stuff to do that I could accomplish at first... like finding ways to have a small group activity I could look forward to.

Dunno... but you seem to be a really smart, sensitive, inquisitive person. Remember too people often aren't going to "love" you in ways you may expect. Notice when others do small, nice things around you... like opening a door for you or a hostess seats you in a restaurant. Try small talk with them.

[Tyrant616]

You ARE Loved. You sound like you are really depressed. The first thing you need to remember is that you need to love yourself first. If you can do that then you are loved. People do love you. Family, friends or pets. You don't need a romantic partner to be loved, that's just one side of love.

[Sunflower123]

I like the idea of writing your therapist a letter as well. You do sound depressed. Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Are you on any meds? I hope you have a great time in Thailand. Best wishes.

[Fuzzybear]

A lot of caring here and some really good suggestions. I particularly like the suggestion of getting yourself in the position of meeting as many people as possible. My suggestion is volunteering.

Another avenue here that comes to mind... You have mentioned being socially awkward. What if you were to observe what other people are doing that seems to be successful. What is the non-verbal communication that is going on. 90% of our communicating is not oral. Watch for gestures with body and face. Take note of how people observe and respond to one another's comfort zones.

[Rose76]

Why are you going to Thailand? That's far. Is financing a trip to distant Asia what will give you the most for your investment? If it's already planned, then maybe it's a moot question. But you don't seem to be looking forward to it. Your vacation is for you to have some enjoyment. I'm wondering if this is an example of how you may invest in things you don't really care about much. Is someone going with you?