[Navymomds]

I need to ask a question and please anyone with advice is welcome to my husband and I are in the middle of a separation after 15 years of marriage and knowing one another for 25 my question is this what would you call a person Who is always throwing up your mistakes and your past mistakes in the relationship in your face in any type of discussion and argument anything and the minute you ask about their past mistakes or their past they immediately shut down and they don't want to discuss it I'm completely confused and frustrated right now my husband every time I try to discuss with him and explain to him when certain behaviors and actions that he does makes me feel in a certain way he's always avoiding the conversation or the issue and does nothing but throw up my past and my mistakes which everybody has mistakes I don't have a problem with admitting my mistakes my problem is is he's always using my mistakes as leverage against me but when I ask him about his issues or point out things re-referencing to him immediately doesn't want to talk about it I'll give you an example

Last night we were talking and we got on the subject of where our marriages right now and I was discussing with him why I feel the way that I feel and that I need him to address his feelings not only to me but to himself more importantly for anything between him and I to work out of nowhere he threw a comment at me and said "well you left me once before" ( referring to our divorce back in 1994) and I said you're right yes I did I filed for divorce back in 1994 but you also left me in 1992 when I was pregnant
His next comment to me was "maybe this is one of our problems is you're always wanting to live in the asked why can't you just let lying dogs lie that's the difference between you and me I've let the Past you can't "

I said to him you're the one who brought up the past first I'm only addressing something that happened as well that you did from the past and "right away he said I'm done with this conversation I'm tired I'm gonna go to sleep I'll talk to you tomorrow" I was completely dumbfounded and I asked him "no you know we need to address this I need you to stop running we need to address this issue" and then his next reply to me was "I know what you're doing you're trying to use that reverse psychology bs on me" i'm going to bed good night

What the heck is that type of behavior? I don't even understand how he can act that way when we are separated and he so says he wants to work out our marriage and this is the type of behavior that he demonstrates I don't get it and I stupid or my missing something can someone please send me some advice here thank you

What do you think about this video?

I have been married more than 29 years and our fights are mostly about "the power to decide" and there are just some things that we will never totally agree about but we are still together because there are many things we enjoy about each other too.......

[Crazy Hitch]

A separation is never going to be easy, and you know that at this stage of the game, there is a lot of sorting out to do and a lot of angry/hurt/upset emotions will come through at this stage of the marriage. Past mistakes, things that could have been done differently - they all bubble up to the surface.

It's easy for people to point out other's mistakes, but less easy to listen to or accept when it's thrown back at them.

Your conversations at the moment are likely to run around in circles with he did / she did scenarios.

Perhaps you need a bit of a break and to then after a short while, choose times where you two can discuss things in a more open manner that doesn't continue to hurt one another. A good place could be at a restaurant where there can be no yelling or abruptly leaving and walking away (I hope). And lay the cards on the table.

But rather than make it about "actions", you should be discussing feelings. "I've been really hurt in the past when...."

And then you would have to make a conscious decision that after the conversation, you two have to put it behind you in order to move on. Start a clean slate with no resentments, no bringing up the past, no grudges.

I've probably said too much in this post and set the bar too high on what should happen in this situation.

[TishaBuv]

I think marital counseling would be good here.

You have had a lot of traumatic back and forths and trust issues.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Tisha that marital counseling would be helpful in moving forward. Good luck and best wishes.