[BlueMerleGirl]

I am a working mom who struggles with depression and anxiety. I moved a year ago for a new job and for that year my husband has been home with our toddler. Before that he worked. I finally have my medication right and I am feeling pretty good. My husband and I are getting along better than we have for a long time. He also has some mental health issues but they are pretty under control.

I love my husband and daughter so much, it sometimes overwhelms me. And I miss them when I'm not around them. But it just seems like my husband and I don't see eye to eye on what is reasonable, and I have built up resentment over time because he didn't contribute enough to household tasks even though he wasn't working. It's gotten better and I feel like I am able to live with how it is now.

Sometimes I just don't understand why we see things so differently. Things that are just expected of me, like grocery shopping or cleaning, are a "big deal" if he does them. He does do some family tasks like paying bills and unloading the dishwasher but I feel like it's just expected that I'll do things. When I come home from work I do 80% or more of the evening and weekend childcare.

I can watch my daughter and get housework done. But he can't. He is taking an evening class now and complains that it is too much to watch our toddler, do a few minor chores, and study during the day. It's only a 10 week class and it's material he's pretty familiar with so it isn't very hard, but he does have to put in a certain number of hours studying because there is a time requirement for the course.

Sometimes I just get so mad that basic things are so hard for him. He just can't seem to handle even close to what most people do, and if I expect more than he is doing then I am considered judgmental. He is so good at coming up with reasons why he can't or didn't get something done.

I know I said things are better and they are, but he's asking about putting our kid in daycare a couple days a week while he is doing his class. We can't afford it. She is going to go when he starts his job after finishing the class, but we cannot afford it before that. It just made me angry today that he asked to do that. Sometimes I feel like I get mad over petty things and I try to remember not to do that, but I think the reason I do is that deep down we just see things differently and I can't really understand where he comes from, and it makes me angry.

Am I making any sense? Does anyone have a similar situation? I'm just looking for thoughts

[Crazy Hitch]

I think your frustration is warranted. Your'e working a full time job and having to come home and do the chores. What if he did them on the weekend while you took your toddler out or you watched her? It's a bit crazy that the burden of both is left upon you.

Whilst you can't understandably put your daughter into daycare at the moment, the better solution moving forward might be to have her in some kind of program after his 10 week course when your husband is working.

But even then, when he's working, I can't see him doing much.

Any chance you can hire a helping hand once a week when he is working for someone to do things like vacuum / clean your floors / bathrooms etc.

I think he just comes from a point of being lazy and expecting you to do it, as he wasn't helping much even before the class.

[TishaBuv]

I've heard there are plenty of men out there who are great with the kids and nurturers, but I haven't met one in my experience.

My h did less than the minimum, and if I asked him to take care of them, he'd neglect them. He'd make out like he just doesn't know what to do. Maybe these men just don't have 'maternal instincts'?

I never completely trusted him with the kids, and alwayslk checked up on them, made sure he fed them.

I'm not sure what to say to help you, besides I can commiserate.

[Hairball]

As I was reading your post I had flashbacks of a book I read ages ago by John Gray called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" it is a wonderful book explaining the thought patterns of men, and the thought patterns of women. It was a very lighthearted and funny book and it kept my heading nodding......lol

[Rose76]

I think I can see where he is coming from. He is going to shift off of himself as much as he can. You have to say that the chikdcare is not possible right now and stick to that. This guy has developed a dependency pattern. He will always be testing you to see how much shirking of responsibility you will put up with. He will always tell himself that anything he doesn't want to do is really too much for him to handle due to his mental health issues. That will be the "go to" excuse for everything. Lets just hope that he properly attends to the child when he is needed to when you aren't home.

It's a well known pattern, written about in lots of articles, that when a husband and wife both work equal hours, the wife ends up doing the lion's share of the housework. You'ld think when the husband isn't even the breadwinner that he'ld step up around the home. But often it isn't.

I know my boyfriend was very good about cooking. But, if he managed to vacuum the apartment while I was out, he'ld keep telling me when I came home, "Yeah, I vacuumed the whole place." I'ld have to keep saying, "Oh it looks so nice. You did such a good job." Like I was patting an 11 year old on the head.

It never ocurred to me to greet him at the door saying, "Well I did all the dishes and I dusted and wait till you see how clean the toilet is." Women just do stuff and move on. Guys have to have their work admired and praised. At least that's true of a lot of them.

What you're going through isn't fair. Avoid giving in on the childcare. Otherwise next it will be something else. He'll never believe he's capable of as much as he is. If praising him helps, lay on the praise.

[TishaBuv]

Yes! I tell my h nothing turns me on more than seeing him do dishes!

[Erebos]

Yup I seen this before. The male and female scouring system is different.
Where women tend to designate one award point per task men tend to score on their perceived importance of the task.
The only way I was ever able get my guy to see how poor our division of labour was by drawing up a spread sheet that actually showed every single job, who was doing it, that included watching the kids which originally he considered was a job when he was doing it but not when I was, cos, you know, I am their Mum...!

Anyway when he could see it out in front of him, it help shift his attitude.

Anyway good luck, hope you work it out.

[Sunflower123]

Erebos has mentioned a possible solution. I can fully understand why you would be resentful. I was fortunate in my marriage in that my now ex-husband carried his fair share of responsibilities. I encourage you to have a heart to heart conversation with him and let him know you expect him to pick up more responsibilities. You could come up with a spreadsheet outlining the necessary tasks and chores in your household that need to be done and split them between the two of you. You could do the same with the childcare. Good luck and best wishes.

[BlueMerleGirl]

Thanks everyone for your help and support. We are definitely planning to get someone to clean when he starts working, we had a cleaner before when we were both working and it helped. And I'm also not as mad about him not doing his "fair share" of household tasks if he is working. When I was having more issues with my mental health over the last year relationship got pretty bad. I was also having thyroid problems which made me exhausted, so a new job, a baby, cooking, and cleaning was just too much for me. Now that I'm feeling better, and he is helping a little more, I am able to handle the more of the cleaning. And we got a Costco membership a few weeks ago and I've been having my husband make their premade meals, they are pretty good and all he has to do is put them in the oven. We do that 3 times a week.

I really feel like things have already improved a lot, but I know my resentment is still there on some level and that it causes me to become angry over small things. I have to keep telling myself I don't want us to be fighting because he didn't do this or that, and that it isn't worth it.

I totally agree about men not being natural at nurturing a child and keeping a home. He is definitely good with our daughter, he doesn't neglect her, but he doesn't give her as much attention as I would if I were home with her. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves.

And I understand that men like to be praised for things they do around the house, so I try to do that.

Thanks again for reading my post and giving me some feedback.