[xRavenx]

I have a friend who ALWAYS complains about everything. This person was always a complainer, but it used to be not as bad. I understand she has a lot going on, and I've been patient and trying to be helpful. That being said, this friend talks a mile a minute about everything wrong in their life non-stop. I realize she probably doesn't have anyone who will listen, but it's becoming a one-way friendship.

I don't get why she keeps talking to me constantly, when I can't change anything, and it doesn't seem I can't make her any happier since she's always miserable. When I go over there, I can't help wondering if I'm being taken advantage of. Maybe she's not and just needs a friend....I don't know. Now, she hardly ever asks how I'm doing or inquires about my own life. Everything seems to be "so much worse" in her life, compared to everyone else's (so she makes it seem). I'm not insensitive by any means, but there's a limit to everyone's tolerance.

How should I handle someone with these behaviors? I do value the friendship, but these patterns seem to be affecting the way I feel.

[treevoice]

It sounds like you have a very healthy perspective on this. You understand why she is behaving the way she is, and you want to be there for her, but you're right - all humans have their limits. It's very kind of you to be a listening ear for her, but you do not need to do that at your own expense. It may be helpful for you to establish some boundaries with her. She may not be in a good place to hear your needs, so she may not react in a healthy way, but you could try to approach the situation gently and just tell her that you value her as a person and you care about her problems but that sometimes you need a break to focus on your own struggles. If she does react poorly, just give her some space. Sometimes it's good for people who are struggling to see that their problems are not the whole world, other people struggle too and you can help each other through it together without comparing notes on who has it worse. Good luck. <3

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by treevoice

It sounds like you have a very healthy perspective on this. You understand why she is behaving the way she is, and you want to be there for her, but you're right - all humans have their limits. It's very kind of you to be a listening ear for her, but you do not need to do that at your own expense. It may be helpful for you to establish some boundaries with her. She may not be in a good place to hear your needs, so she may not react in a healthy way, but you could try to approach the situation gently and just tell her that you value her as a person and you care about her problems but that sometimes you need a break to focus on your own struggles. If she does react poorly, just give her some space. Sometimes it's good for people who are struggling to see that their problems are not the whole world, other people struggle too and you can help each other through it together without comparing notes on who has it worse. Good luck. <3

Thanks, that's good advice. There does need to be some kind of boundary. I think a little space might be needed, or I'll be left feeling helpless, or as if my needs don't matter within the friendship. I still want to be there for her, but sometimes that means letting her work out some of her own issues.

[Sunflower123]

Good luck setting boundaries with your friend and creating a little space. I hope everything works out for you.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Good luck setting boundaries with your friend and creating a little space. I hope everything works out for you.

Thank you. I hope in the long run, it is what's best for both of us. I think this is a situation where logically, I need to put myself first for it to be healthy. It's hard for me to take my own advice though. I usually end up doing the opposite.

[eskielover]

Listening & validating that the things she is going through is one thing, expecting you to solve her problems is another. At least you arent taking her problems & trying to work on solutions for her.

It is good to limit the amount of time spent in a friendship like that.

Ugh, I have a friend who used to listen to someone's struggles then she would think on it & put 200% of herself into figuring out a solution. The problem was when the person didn't agree with her solution (or in my case she had no knowledge of my experiences before moving here) she would get angry.....had a lot of work to do with her to teach her that just listening is OK & boundaries (amount of time with the person) is critical & letting it be after being with the person is important too (not holding onto thinking about their problems after visiting with them between visits)

It's difficult when it becomes like their identity & all they seem to focus on. Trying to do distracting things is good while together....distractions is a DBT skill used to get ones mind off one's troubles......it really helps (from personal experience)

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I have a friend who ALWAYS complains about everything. This person was always a complainer, but it used to be not as bad. I understand she has a lot going on, and I've been patient and trying to be helpful. That being said, this friend talks a mile a minute about everything wrong in their life non-stop. I realize she probably doesn't have anyone who will listen, but it's becoming a one-way friendship.

I don't get why she keeps talking to me constantly, when I can't change anything, and it doesn't seem I can't make her any happier since she's always miserable. When I go over there, I can't help wondering if I'm being taken advantage of. Maybe she's not and just needs a friend....I don't know. Now, she hardly ever asks how I'm doing or inquires about my own life. Everything seems to be "so much worse" in her life, compared to everyone else's (so she makes it seem). I'm not insensitive by any means, but there's a limit to everyone's tolerance.

How should I handle someone with these behaviors? I do value the friendship, but these patterns seem to be affecting the way I feel.

Does she have depression? If she does then try to see if you can get her help. If she is not then tell her to stop complaining and that she is not the only person that has it rough at times. Give yourself and her some space too. And don't give in to her complaining. I do that to a friend. She doesn't complain as much but she used to and it bugged me and drained me so much so eventually I stopped trying to help and would just simply listen and not say anything that would encourage her to complain even more. She did the exact same stuff your friend does. Complained when she didn't get her way.

[amazinglyso]

I recently just broke friends with a female who lives close by to me for slightly similar reasons. All I wanted was a relaxed friendship yet she seemed hell bent on trying to fix me or at least my complex mental health (I do not wallow in self-pity nor do I have a morbid personality). I never moaned nor complained about how dreadful my life (sometimes feels) and certainly not enough to warrant her wanting to fix me in some way.

From the beginning of our friendship, it was always one sided - she constantly needed validation - letting me know that she was keeping active at all hours of the day and trying to get me to do everything that interested her only, yet really running away from her own problems (she is in major financial debt and her boyfriend) yet never wanting advice or help from anyone, not that I gave any I felt unnecessary. She also criticised my unique dress sense and unable to relate in anyway to just how cultured a person I am with lots of positive interests of my own.

I valued the friendship massively and loved her unconditionally yet everything felt like it all had to be on her terms. She chose when it was good for her to meet up for coffee and suddenly begun dismissing my texts to meet up at the weekend. Her priorities suddenly changed then had to skip and hoop around like a hopscotch chicken when she would be free.

I used to be always wanting to fix people's lives in my past and studied in social work in my 20's, yet soon realized that these people never asked to be fixed - I believe that some people can't do friendships when they are in that kind of mind frame - why I had to let my friendship with her go and this devastated me for a time, yet won't let this ruin my future hope of befriending again.

[Rose76]

You are being taken advantage of. Providing an audience to this kind of person can suck the life right out of you. Of course she needs a friend and deserves some attention and some compassion from someone who is her friend. However, in a way you are harming her. This is a recent insight I've developed after years of me being a magnet for people like that. When you reward a person (with attention) for dysfunctional behavior, you are helping them stay in a dysfunctional mindset.

No doubt your friend honestly doesn't see where she's getting hard to take. It would do her good to not have her trying behavior reinforced. You could gently say, "Let's put aside negative thinking for awhile and focus more on the positive." If the gentle redirection doesn't work, then you may have to firmly disengage with her when her conversation keeps going in a dismal direction. You don't have to announce that you are doing so. Just do it. Excuse yourself and say you have something else to do. (Make it up, if you have to.) She'll eventually catch on that she needs to engage with you more positively, if she wants your company. This helps her too. It helps her to stop perseverating over subject matter that is keeping her in a negative mental state.

Sometimes it does a person good to be listened to about something that is troubling them. But when a person gets to sounding like a broken record where the needle is stuck and they're kind of "on a loop," they are not using their mind in a fruitful way. Sometimes the person may genuinely need redirection to get off this merry-go-round, or dreary-go-round.

Your friend has become self-absorbed and, even, selfish. Don't enable that - for both your sakes. Since you value the friendship, you are just the right person to help her rechannel her thought processes.

Otherwise this one-way friendship will peter out. You'll get sick to death of her, and you'll find yourself avoiding being stuck listening to her. She, possibly, won't understand why the friendship dwindles. Help her to understand how she needs to change so as to preserve the bond. Don't patronize her. Use some humor. Include some expression of affection: "Jane, my dear friend, we are going to talk about something more positive. You are kind of stuck in a mental rut, and I'm not okay with just leaving you in that rut." I truly believe that people can be told very difficult things, if they hear love in what they are being told . . . if they hear a hopeful message that they can be better than how they've been acting.

A friend of mine said something really nice to me that made me love her. She was referring to a recent occasion where I got out of line. She told me it "was so out of character" for me to have gone off the way I did. I thought that was a very sweet compliment. I'ld gotten upset and flipped out. She conveyed that she thought I was better than that. I thought that was generous of her.

[xRavenx]

First off, thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and give input/support.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Does she have depression? If she does then try to see if you can get her help. If she is not then tell her to stop complaining and that she is not the only person that has it rough at times. Give yourself and her some space too. And don't give in to her complaining. I do that to a friend. She doesn't complain as much but she used to and it bugged me and drained me so much so eventually I stopped trying to help and would just simply listen and not say anything that would encourage her to complain even more. She did the exact same stuff your friend does. Complained when she didn't get her way.

She has depression, but it's more that she falls into a depression after she's made some really poor choices that blew up in her face. I really don't mean to say that in a harsh way at all. I have Bipolar and know a lot about making mistakes and falling into depression. She has certain personality traits that really hold her back though from forming meaningful relationships and can be very self-centered. She seems to have a problem with most people in her life.

Originally Posted by Rose76

You are being taken advantage of. Providing an audience to this kind of person can suck the life right out of you. Of course she needs a friend and deserves some attention and some compassion from someone who is her friend. However, in a way you are harming her. This is a recent insight I've developed after years of me being a magnet for people like that. When you reward a person (with attention) for dysfunctional behavior, you are helping them stay in a dysfunctional mindset.

No doubt your friend honestly doesn't see where she's getting hard to take. It would do her good to not have her trying behavior reinforced. You could gently say, "Let's put aside negative thinking for awhile and focus more on the positive." If the gentle redirection doesn't work, then you may have to firmly disengage with her when her conversation keeps going in a dismal direction. You don't have to announce that you are doing so. Just do it. Excuse yourself and say you have something else to do. (Make it up, if you have to.) She'll eventually catch on that she needs to engage with you more positively, if she wants your company. This helps her too. It helps her to stop perseverating over subject matter that is keeping her in a negative mental state.

Sometimes it does a person good to be listened to about something that is troubling them. But when a person gets to sounding like a broken record where the needle is stuck and they're kind of "on a loop," they are not using their mind in a fruitful way. Sometimes the person may genuinely need redirection to get off this merry-go-round, or dreary-go-round.

Your friend has become self-absorbed and, even, selfish. Don't enable that - for both your sakes. Since you value the friendship, you are just the right person to help her rechannel her thought processes.

Otherwise this one-way friendship will peter out. You'll get sick to death of her, and you'll find yourself avoiding being stuck listening to her. She, possibly, won't understand why the friendship dwindles. Help her to understand how she needs to change so as to preserve the bond. Don't patronize her. Use some humor. Include some expression of affection: "Jane, my dear friend, we are going to talk about something more positive. You are kind of stuck in a mental rut, and I'm not okay with just leaving you in that rut." I truly believe that people can be told very difficult things, if they hear love in what they are being told . . . if they hear a hopeful message that they can be better than how they've been acting.

A friend of mine said something really nice to me that made me love her. She was referring to a recent occasion where I got out of line. She told me it "was so out of character" for me to have gone off the way I did. I thought that was a very sweet compliment. I'ld gotten upset and flipped out. She conveyed that she thought I was better than that. I thought that was generous of her.

Thank you. Actually, I have tried a number of times trying to re-direct behavior (many times!) I've tried to deal with her in all different ways. She used to be easier to re-direct, but lately, nothing works. She'll find a way to bring conversation back to "Why me?" or "Look how horrible my life is" type of negative talk. That's the thing....it's getting harder for anything to work. I don't know if maybe I fell into a trap of co-dependency within the friendship. All I know, is it hurts.

[Rose76]

If your attempts to get her off the dreary stuff keep failing, then I guess you have to avoid having her around you or let the friendship fizzle out. I think those are your three options. (The fourth would be to let things go on as they are.)

Your time and attention belong to you. The older I get the less willing I am to let people tie up my time and attention in ways that I don't find worthwhile. I used to be a real sucker for anyone looking to glom on and use me to get their attention fix. Now I value my time and attention too much to let people just take it and waste it.

These conversations, or monologues that you hear from her, bring you down and change the tenor of your day. You don't owe that to her, or to anyone. Not on a routine basis. You wouldn't tolerate someone just sticking their hand in your purse and pulling money out of it. Your time and attention are every bit as precious, if not more so. I can think of some dreary company I've kept in the past. I would rather have paid the person $5.00 to leave me alone.

You've heard the expression: it takes two to tango. Well, a boring, dreary person can't really bend your ear, if you just won't listen. At some point, you might have to get a bit ruthless. I know you don't want to be cruel. But she's not as innocent as you might think. I've learned that, when people are basically using you, they know it . . . more than you might think. Start walking away and watch how fast they change the conversation to asking about you. Suddenly they care. It's a case of they say what they think will keep you attentive to them. It's often a game. Don't enable it. You have more power than you give yourself credit for. When you think you've tried everything and nothing works, usually you haven't tried everything.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Rose76

If your attempts to get her off the dreary stuff keep failing, then I guess you have to avoid having her around you or let the friendship fizzle out. I think those are your three options. (The fourth would be to let things go on as they are.)

Your time and attention belong to you. The older I get the less willing I am to let people tie up my time and attention in ways that I don't find worthwhile. I used to be a real sucker for anyone looking to glom on and use me to get their attention fix. Now I value my time and attention too much to let people just take it and waste it.

These conversations, or monologues that you hear from her, bring you down and change the tenor of your day. You don't owe that to her, or to anyone. Not on a routine basis. You wouldn't tolerate someone just sticking their hand in your purse and pulling money out of it. Your time and attention are every bit as precious, if not more so. I can think of some dreary company I've kept in the past. I would rather have paid the person $5.00 to leave me alone.

You've heard the expression: it takes two to tango. Well, a boring, dreary person can't really bend your ear, if you just won't listen. At some point, you might have to get a bit ruthless. I know you don't want to be cruel. But she's not as innocent as you might think. I've learned that, when people are basically using you, they know it . . . more than you might think. Start walking away and watch how fast they change the conversation to asking about you. Suddenly they care. It's a case of they say what they think will keep you attentive to them. It's often a game. Don't enable it. You have more power than you give yourself credit for. When you think you've tried everything and nothing works, usually you haven't tried everything.

Thanks, Rose. You bring up some really good points. Step 1: I think I have to get out of the pattern of criticizing myself as a result of my interactions with her, where I used to think: maybe I'm not fun enough to be around, and that's why she feels down....or...."I don't want to be insensitive by not being there for her in the way that she needs me to." I'm now starting to realize those things aren't true. Maybe it's a good sign I'm starting to talk about it more?

There's one other friend who is striking me as manipulative more recently. I didn't see it in the beginning, until I was asked for a favor. In fact, I gave a money away recently when a friend asked to "borrow" it based on some crisis going on with them, and like an idiot, I gave it away. I didn't think it through, and I completely fault myself for how I keep allowing people to take advantage like that. In my mind, I used to give them excuses, like "Wow, they have a lot going on." I am starting to confront myself on stuff like this, but the more I do it, the more I feel so stupid.

[Rose76]

Nevermind feeling stupid. None of us is born understanding everything. We learn as we live. Be glad you have the capacity to critique the way you interact and look for better options. Critical thinking is a sign of intelligence. Being able to look critically at one's own behavior is a sign of courage. Three things occur to me a explanations of your old way of getting imposed upon. It could be how you were raised. Possibly no one effectively role modeled for you how to not get exploited. Or possibly someone groomed you to allow yourself to be exploited. Maybe a needy parent turned to you for more attention than a child should have to give a parent. Thirdly, you may not realize how different from you some people are in their motivation. You probably would be loath to knowingly impose on others, so you tend to think other people are like you. If they impose, they must not realize it. Surely, they don't mean any harm. Well, lots of people don't have your thought processes. They have their own and will gladly exploit you given half a chance. Sometimes it's a case of, "I've got a problem, and I'ld just love it, if you'ld solve it for me." Some individuals were actually raised to always look for what others can do for them. That may, indeed, be all they're capable of. I know people who were actually taught that the best thing they can hope for in life is that they'll run into others who'll carry their load for them.

So don't belittle yourself, but do apply critical thinking to analyzing your behavior. Critical thinking - which is a sign of intelligence and maturity - does not mean going around criticizing everyone and everything. (That's a different meaning of the word, "criticize.") Applying critical thinking means critiquing the effectiveness or value of something. It means not always taking things at face value, but questioning, especially questioning old assumptions. So do confront yourself . . . not in a punitive way . . . but in using critical thinking. This is how you empower yourself. We start off in life being "programmed" by others. Then, if we mature enough, we look at that programming and find some issues with it. Then we say, "I'm going to re-program myself. I'm going to look at new options for how I can behave." Nothing stupid about that. You were young and tried to be what others wanted you to be, as is normal. Now you are maturing and deciding for yourself how you want to be.

You gave money away because the old programming told you that's what you needed to do to be a good person. Time to reprogram that part of your mind.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Nevermind feeling stupid. None of us is born understanding everything. We learn as we live. Be glad you have the capacity to critique the way you interact and look for better options. Critical thinking is a sign of intelligence. Being able to look critically at one's own behavior is a sign of courage. Three things occur to me a explanations of your old way of getting imposed upon. It could be how you were raised. Possibly no one effectively role modeled for you how to not get exploited. Or possibly someone groomed you to allow yourself to be exploited. Maybe a needy parent turned to you for more attention than a child should have to give a parent. Thirdly, you may not realize how different from you some people are in their motivation. You probably would be loath to knowingly impose on others, so you tend to think other people are like you. If they impose, they must not realize it. Surely, they don't mean any harm. Well, lots of people don't have your thought processes. They have their own and will gladly exploit you given half a chance. Sometimes it's a case of, "I've got a problem, and I'ld just love it, if you'ld solve it for me." Some individuals were actually raised to always look for what others can do for them. That may, indeed, be all they're capable of. I know people who were actually taught that the best thing they can hope for in life is that they'll run into others who'll carry their load for them.

So don't belittle yourself, but do apply critical thinking to analyzing your behavior. Critical thinking - which is a sign of intelligence and maturity - does not mean going around criticizing everyone and everything. (That's a different meaning of the word, "criticize.") Applying critical thinking means critiquing the effectiveness or value of something. It means not always taking things at face value, but questioning, especially questioning old assumptions. So do confront yourself . . . not in a punitive way . . . but in using critical thinking. This is how you empower yourself. We start off in life being "programmed" by others. Then, if we mature enough, we look at that programming and find some issues with it. Then we say, "I'm going to re-program myself. I'm going to look at new options for how I can behave." Nothing stupid about that. You were young and tried to be what others wanted you to be, as is normal. Now you are maturing and deciding for yourself how you want to be.

You gave money away because the old programming told you that's what you needed to do to be a good person. Time to reprogram that part of your mind.

The part of my childhood that is probably linked to some of it, is that I had a very inconsistent mother in the way that she would treat me. It was either a lot of love, or her getting extremely angry and making me feel abandoned or that I could not talk to her when I needed her the most. I think some of my abandonment issues come into play here.

[Rose76]

I had a father kind of like that. I think, as children, we hope to keep the volatile parent on an even keel by being very sensitive to them and trying to placate them into staying loving and not lapsing into "anger mode." At times, it seemed like we were succeeding, so we tried harder and harder to fine tune our approach in hopes of staving off those bad moods.

As an adult, during a pleasant conversation with my father, I'ld notice that I was slightly shivering in a way that was just barely perceptible. I realized I was quite tense - monitoring my father for any sign of an impending bad mood. I told myself it was ridiculous for me to be this uptight around him, since I no longer had to live with him. I had to talk to myself and tell myself to relax and stop worrying that his mood might shift. I decided his mood was his problem. This didn't happen over night, but I did successfully change the programming, so I could relax.

Some child psychologists say that inconsistency can be more disturbing to a child than having a parent who's just always miserable. My father was charming and lovable when his mood was just right . . . a nut job, when it wasn't.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I had a father kind of like that. I think, as children, we hope to keep the volatile parent on an even keel by being very sensitive to them and trying to placate them into staying loving and not lapsing into "anger mode." At times, it seemed like we were succeeding, so we tried harder and harder to fine tune our approach in hopes of staving off those bad moods.

As an adult, during a pleasant conversation with my father, I'ld notice that I was slightly shivering in a way that was just barely perceptible. I realized I was quite tense - monitoring my father for any sign of an impending bad mood. I told myself it was ridiculous for me to be this uptight around him, since I no longer had to live with him. I had to talk to myself and tell myself to relax and stop worrying that his mood might shift. I decided his mood was his problem. This didn't happen over night, but I did successfully change the programming, so I could relax.

Some child psychologists say that inconsistency can be more disturbing to a child than having a parent who's just always miserable. My father was charming and lovable when his mood was just right . . . a nut job, when it wasn't.

I can definitely see how inconsistent parenting can really have a negative impact on a child moving forward. Never did I realize to what extent it would interfere with my relationships until recently. Sometimes, I'll try to use my awareness to not make future mistakes. However, lately I get down when I take "two steps forward, one step back," as far as trying to stop engaging in such unhealthy relationship patterns. This will certainly be a process.