Anger Management

Is anybody married or dating someone that has anger problems? I'm engaged and it seems like my fiance has major anger problems. I'm ready to call off the wedding because I can't deal with the ups and downs so much. It's killing me inside and this is my future! He gets mad at me for everything stupid little thing! The past 3 weekends we have fought because he gets mad at something stupid. The worse part is we only see eachother on the weekends. I feel like this relationship is doomed!

How long have you known him? Is this anger a new thing or are you just noticing it, or has he always been this way. If it is something new, maybe it's the stress of the wedding plans. If this anger was always there but it never bothered you till now, please do something right now before it's too late. Someone gave me this advice once which I didn't heed. You can't change someone. If there's a serious problem it will only get worse after the marriage, not better (usually). Don't think you can change something or hope for the best that things will be different. Most probably they won't. Maybe you can talk to a counselor together BEFORE you tie the knot and find out what's the problem. Good luck to you.

I am married to someone that has major anger problems. He doesn't work and everything that goes wrong in his life, no matter how small is my fault.

One of these days it may escalate from a verbal fight to physical, and then there is no turning back - once the line is crossed, he won't stay behind it anymore. I too, am sick and tired of all the yelling, and physical stress I live with.

You don't need the ups and downs - you need to be happy, not screamed at. Please think very carefully before you marry someone and get stuck.


<font color=blue>If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.~ Sam Levenson<font color=blue>

Think about your relationship from the beginning ... have there been warning sings all along? Or is it nervousness due to coming wedding?
Think twice, Marriage is where you invest your life!!!!

gab

I think it's always been there, but I ignored it. I'm not even sure if it's a problem or if it's him. Here's an example.... we reigstered and when I mentioned knives he mentioned he had some and we didn't need new ones. Well I went back to finish the registry with my mom and we noticed this set of knives so I put them on. This past weekend I said well we won't need these knives anymore (his old ones). Well he yelled at me that we agreed not to get them. Basically it turned out to be a huge fight and I left. He thinks I deceived him because I picked them out after we said we wouldn't. Now he says I shouldn't of said it the way I did because I pretty much told him that we were getting rid of his knives. I didn't think I said it snotty at all! The worse thing is when he gets mad he immediately ignores me until he's out of the mood. Our wedding is 4 months away and I just think I may be setting myself up for a divorce.

Another interesting thing I found out today is a wife of a coworker of his said he has major anger management problems to another friend of mine. I think that's when it hit me! I'm a forgiving person and he has a terrible mother and he always said she did this to him. He is in counceling, but I think the outbursts may not be normal. I just don't know!

Is he getting cold feet?
Are you getting cold feet?
I don't know ....

gab

No I don't think either one of us are. See we were suppose to get married last October, but we postponed due to me just not being sure. In the past 3 weekends he has gotten mad at me for dumb things. As I mentioned before we only see eachother on the weekends. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him because I don't want him to get mad and ignore me. I just think I've tried and tried, but the mood deal is just to much! I'm at the point where I think maybe I am causing the fights because I very rarely get mad at him.

Do you think you guys could do premarital couseling? where are you at? In the States there is such a thing....

gab

The knife thing reminds me of when my husband and I went to register for gifts. He picked everything out! Even our fine china pattern. Anything I liked he explained how it wasn't a good idea. So here I am 18 years later with this ugly fine china that sits in a display cabinet, never used. I remember telling a male coworker how my husband picked out our china and he looked at me incredulously and laughed so hard like I was some idiot. It's all about control with him. It was then and it still is, 18 years later. Register for the knives. You may not even get them.

We have had 1 session of premarital counseling and have another one scheduled for 7/10, but the wedding is 10/23.

He didn't try to pick everything out, but the knife thing really got to him. He still says he feels I deceived him! I don't get it! He's making me feel like I should blame myself for doing something without asking him first!

It sounds to me like the anger is a symptom of a larger problem. Is it possible that he could be bi-polar or have a personality disorder? This is no small thing that you should overlook. I would not marry him unless you are willing to cope with whatever his problem is for the rest of your life. When you add the responsibilities of marriage and children to the mix the problem will only get worse. You said something about his mother in one of your posts. Is she abusive? Does he have any kind of a relationship with her? Whatever his family life was like, he is likely to duplicate it as it is the only way he knows for a family to be. I married into a highly dysfunctional family and I have paid a very high price for 20+ years. My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive while at the same time telling me how much he loves me. It is very confusing and difficult to figure out. I would not wish the pain I have felt on anyone. After 28 years of marriage I have finally deiced to get out. It was not an easy decision and not at all the plan that I had for my life. Looking as far back now as when we were dating, I can now see the pattern. Being only 19 when I married I thought love conquered all. It doesn't. My advice would be to examine your relationship very carefully, don't ignore the signs and if you don't like what you see get out now before you subject yourself to a lifetime of hurt and heartache. One good book to read now- The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It will at least help you to see what's going on in your relationship and then you can better decide what to do.
Good luck! Don't settle for second best.

I would really look into the anger problems... consider it seriously. Which is not to say "get out" but is to say don't take them for granted, don't assume things will get better in time (they won't). If it is a real problem and he recognized that and is willing to get help for it then that might be good. But that means real help and sticking with it, not "promises" that he will "seek" help after you are married. I'd say something that shows he is serious about treatment and that he will stick with it after you are married (rather than thinking you're "hooked" so he can stop worrying about it. Going to counselling together is a good sign, see what happens from there.

As for the "knife," obviously there is something bigger going on there, it could be a simple as cold feet about commitment (it may seem to him like you are taking over and replacing all his stuff with yours... all you did was pick out a knife set but in his mind it may be a symbol.) Or it could be a manifestation of his anger problem, looking for things to get angry at. Since anger is already an issue I'd definitely put it high on a list of priorities to sort out.

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