I need streght

Here I am again talking about hubby ...
He's being very sweet, loving, understanding, patient, not explosive, etc. He's in that part of his cycle where, when I am getting strong and ready, so he becomes loving and kind, and he seem to be so genuine! It tears my heart appart and believe him again.
I've been this route before, I should know better not to totally believe ...
Help...please...

gab

Gloria,
I understand what you are going through. This part of the cycle can be exhausting because he is being so sweet but you know that at any time he can snap again.
My heart is breaking for you. I have no right to tell you not to trust your husband but deep in your heart you know the answer to your own question.
Please just promise me something. If you ever decide to leave him do not do it without some kind of outside help. The time when you leave or show that you are stronger then him is the most dangerous time for a woman. You do not have to do any of these alone.

Stay strong and I am here,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

he seems so real, I feel like such an unforgiven person. That so not Christian. Why is that I shouldn't give him another chance?
I feel like my heart is going against my brain, this is so awful. I feel awful, I should forgive...
I am such an idiot.

gab

auch!!
auch!!
I am sooo lost .... Therapy is too far from today ...
He loves me, loves me not, He's a manipulative munster, he is not,

I have to stay strong!!!!!!!!!!

I trully do not wish this to anybody.

gab

Gloria,

I feel your pain. Whenever I am fighting with my husband I want to give him a hug and then I want to rip his head off. One day I look at him and say ugh what am I doing here the next day I feel so bad for having those feelings. My mind is completely twisted as to how I feel. Should we forgive for being emotionally abused? Don't forget Once bitten twice shy, not that I am heading that advice. Everytime I am down my husband is more caring, so he can look like the good guy. Our relationship is not husband to wife, it is father to daughter. Making this decision will be the hardest thing you will do remember to follow your heart it has all the answers; our brains are skewed by our environment.
Good luck I am always thinking of you.

littlep

Forgiveness is not the same thing as accepting abuse.

If someone does something bad, then accepts his or her error and apologizes, forgiveness is appropriate.

He may be "acting nice" but he is not changing his ways, he is just perpetuating the cycle. His "niceness" is part of his manipulation and is therefore part of his abuse, not an escape from it.

One cannot "apologize" yet continue doing that which one has apologized for, and expect to be forgiven.

Look back at your posts here. If you click on your own name at the left of your post, the info screen that comes up has a link to all the posts that you have made on the board. Try going through them and then decide if he is truly understanding of the hurt he has caused and plans to change... or if he is just going around in circles to keep you close to him.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Gloria, having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past 20+ years myself, I think I can give you some advice but you still have to decide for yourself what is best FOR YOU. I have been married for almost 28 years and it was only five years ago that I figured out exactly what was going on. Abuse is about control and manipulation. There are not two sides to abuse, abuse is an unprovoked attack. You did not do anything to provoke the abuse and you cannot do anything to prevent it. The problem is not a communication or relationship problem (as my husband often told me) it is HIS problem. You have to understand that because it's about control he is probably using many ways to manipulate you that you are not even aware of. You need to understand that you cannot control him either, he will probably be abusive no matter what you do. However, you do not have to take it. Once I figured out what was going on I began leaving (the room, the house, the restaurant whatever) whenever he started name calling, criticizing, yelling etc. I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate the abuse any longer. Of course, he denied that the abuse ever occured and when he would admit it, it was always my fault for saying or doing something wrong. Unfortunately, for me, the abuse has not stopped it has only changed forms. Now he restricts my access to money, does not tell me anything about what he is doing, and ignores me for weeks on end. After five years of trying everything I could think of, I have decided to get out. I will be filing for divorce in August after I finish getting my bachelors degree. He is not happy about this but refuses to address the problem. Instead, he just keeps telling me that I do not have Biblical grounds for divorce. While he has been faithful, (as far as I know) he left the marriage years ago. I have finally realized that he does not care about me, all he cares about is his image and his reputation. He is also afraid to be alone.
I would recommend that you begin researching abuse and how abusive relationships work because knowledge is power. Once you understand the game you can become a much better player. Learning to deal with the abuse will help you to figure out if you should stay or leave. By learning to counter his attacks you may be able to get him to see what he is doing and to get help to stop. The best book on the subject, which I highly recommend, is called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She has also written other books, they are all good. Once you read this book you will look at things from an entirely different point of view. Another good book is by Sonya Friedman but I loaned it to someone and I can't remember the name of it. It is something about controlling men. If you go to Borders or a similar store they should be able to look it up for you under the author's name. Sonya's book covers numberous aspects of an abusive relationship beyond just the abuse.
Also, if you have children you need to do what is best for them. If he is abusive (even just verbally) towards them you need to separate from him. The long term damage done to the children by his abuse may never go away and you will be dealing with their issues along with your own. Even if he is not abusive towards the children, they do not need to witness his abuse towards you. At the very least they need to see you stand up for yourself. I would also recommend that you maintain relationships with family and friends because you will need their support regardless of what you decide to do. You also may want to finish your education or get a job in order to have some financial independence. Do not let him dimish who you are; do not buy into his lies. You are special, God made you the way you are. Destruction of a person's spirit should never be part of a loving relationship.
One other thing you may want to look into is whether he may have a personality disorder. My husband has Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder and once I figured this out it explained alot of his behavior. Unfortunately, there is not much help for it, thus the reason I have decided to get out.
Good luck, let me know how it goes.

Gloria,

This is incredible insight that you have been given. I hope you have the strength to take control of your life and be happy.

littlep

This forums always help, but you guys have given to me tools to fight this ... Thank you so very much.

Thank you Dexter, Shakes, Littlep, fre2bme.

gab