[metalchick]

Ok..this has been bugging me for a couple of weeks and I can't talk to anyone about this.
So a long time friend from work (14 years) and I have been staying in touch since he left the company. We never really hung out before and so over the last few months we make plans to hang out. A couple of weeks ago he texts me and saying his girlfriend will be out of town and he has some free time and we should get together...have dinner...catch up. I replied that would be great I have so much to tell you. Let me know what I can bring over (rumor has it that he is in recovery) so I didn't want to bring the usual 30 rack over.
So last week he texted me over a hundred times in 3 hours for me to come over. Sent dirty pics and all.
I am shocked and mostly deeply hurt. This was someone who I considered a good friend. I never ever saw that coming and I just didn't answer his texts. I was sleeping anyway and he knows my work schedule.
So the job he walked away from, I happened to be working there that week. His girlfriend works there too. Was this an attempt to sabotage the place even more?
So then he texts me the next day to apologize and that he had been sitting around drinking and was bored. I replied back that he needs to get some help. (Rumor has it that he is on drugs too and no one really knows what he went to rehab for)
A day or two later, he texts me again (only 5 times this time) saying that this is the last night his girlfriend will be away and to come over.
I know I said this already but I am really hurt. He was one of my only friends. Now I question can men and women be just friends. Every guy friend that I had over the years turned out to be waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend at the time. Now I am broken up with my kids dad...and this happens. Am I sending the wrong signals? I mean I was really happy to go hang out with him...I don't hang out with anyone. So was my happiness misinterpreted?
A part of it is too...is it the drugs/alcohol talking? Maybe he is just crying out for help. I don't want to turn my back on him if that is the case.

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry you feel hurt. It's understandable. Some men can take any sign of affection as hints for a possible relationship. And being on drugs doesn't help either.. Personally I would avoid coming over to him. You can help him with his alcohol problem, if you want.. but he's the one who has to make the change.

[Bill3]

I'm really sorry that he was so horrible and hurtful to you. It must have been devastating to receive those pics.



I would certainly say that texting someone over 100 times in three hours indicates some sort of problem. That volume of texting probably was a result of the drinking and being bored, as he said.

I don't know if the dirty pics relate to being drunk, or if the dirty pics, horrible to say, just reveal who he is right now.

I don't know if he is crying out for help. It isn't necessarily a cry for help when a person who is abusing substances behaves in a horrible manner.

Am I sending the wrong signals?

In my opinion, women must not blame themselves when guys act horribly and totally inappropriately. His bad behavior was in no way your fault.

However, in this situation I think it would have been wise to be a bit more suspicious of him after he wanted you to come to his place. There are nice guys out there, but regrettably I think that one needs to vet carefully to identify them. In this situation I think it would have been best to say that you would be willing to hang out with him at a restaurant or some other public place.

I'm really sorry that this whole thing happened. He destroyed himself in your eyes.



If you are in touch with him again, I think it would be good to encourage him to seek help for his substance use. But beyond that it might be very hard, and take a lot of time, to get past the dirty pics. I'm really sorry that he treated you so badly.

[Sunflower123]

Bill3 has some excellent points. I'm really sorry this happened to you and that you were hurt.

[metalchick]

I wish his girlfriend was around this week. I wanted to talk to her about his problems and how I can help. She literally follows him around the house to make sure he does not hurt himself. It's no way to live for either one of them. He has always had a drinking problem and has had self destructive behavior. He didn't even tell me that he up and quit his job. His girlfriend did. I think I would have gotten more answers from her...and I can't see anyone putting up with this type of behavior.

[metalchick]

I didn't even read all the texts...just skimmed through it. There was even a family photo thrown in there.

[Erebos]

I would make it crystal clear I wasn't interested, I would say as an addict I have been prone to stupid things that did not reflect my true feelings.
Also all my friends are of the opposite sex, very few have made and inappropriate advances, in fact I would say I have been hit on by just as many of the same sex so...

Tell him you will see him if he is sober and in. A public place. Just so he really understand how far over the line he was.

Take care.

[Crazy Hitch]

Honestly, I think that the best thing you can do is cut ties with him and block him from your phone, and completely out of your life.

He has a girlfriend and I pity her not knowing what he is really like. He has shown you his true character and taken advantage of your kindness and friendship.

I don't believe all men are like this. But there are, unfortunately, a small few who are pigs.

[Trippin2.0]

The fact that he waited for his gf to be gone in order to "hang out" with you was a huge red flaggy give away that his intentions were impure

[metalchick]

I guess so...hindsight is 20/20. However we have been talking about hanging out for a long time and I thought he was wanting to tell me about his drug/alcohol issues without his girlfriend there. I have always told him that I am there for him.

[Rose76]

To socialize with this man and his girlfriend is fine. But a man who wants to hang out with you, while his girlfriend is away, is generally signaling a sexual interest. In answer to what you are wondering: No, generally, men and women can not be "just friends."

He's not trying to sabotage the workplace. He's not crying out for support in his recovery. His relationship has it's troubles and he'ld like to bang you. It's just that simple.

Find yourself a female friend. When you're a young, attractive female, it's often easier to attract males than to attract females into taking an interest in you. Why do you suppose that is? Hmmmm, let's think hard.

You don't have to tell this guy you never want to see him again, but you do need to firmly reject any attempts he makes to seduce you. Don't get all hurt. This is a troubled man with little recovery time under his belt. He is not "working his program," as they say. He needs to do that, and he needs to not be distracted by his attraction to you.