[Lola5]

I'm in my thirties. For years, I have been in a panic over not having a boyfriend (never had one), not being married and not having kids. And it doesn't look like it will happen to me on the horizon, which is an issue my therapist constantly discuss.

I've been on dates with guys to whom I have casually mentioned ONE of my mental health problems (depression, GAD, OCD). I have never mention the PTSD or my physical health problems. And every time they never contacted me again.

I see that a good number of people on these forums are in relationships or married. I would love it if you could share with me how you found a relationship.

• How did you get someone to be with you despite your mental illness?
• Did you get together before being diagnosed?
• Were you very young?

Some information would be helpful because I feel like there's no hope for me as someone with mental and physical health problems.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling. Finding right partner is tough for sure.

I don't have mental illness. But my husband has Tourettes, severe OCD and GAD. He controls it (to an extend) with meds and on and off behaviorial therapy. It does not bother me at all. His tourettes was very obvious on the first date but I was not 100% sure what it was. He explained it all on a third date. Certainly it didn't turn me off.

I wonder if you tell them on a first date? I don't think you need to wait for very long but I'd give it up couple of dates. Sometimes TMI on a first date is a turn off

[Lola5]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't have mental illness. But my husband has Tourettes, severe OCD and GAD. He controls it (to an extend) with meds and on and off behaviorial therapy. It does not bother me at all. His tourettes was very obvious on the first date but I was not 100% sure what it was. He explained it all on a third date. Certainly it didn't turn me off.

I wonder if you tell them on a first date? I don't think you need to wait for very long but I'd give it up couple of dates. Sometimes TMI on a first date is a turn off

I think it's great you didn't just dismiss your husband like I have been dismissed.

I have tried waiting until the third or fourth date, which makes it even more painful since everything had been going well. I know it's not right, but now I have this compulsion on the first date to say "listen, I have (insert diagnoses). If you can't deal with that, then f off." I don't do it, but I just want to save myself the heartache.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Lola5

I think it's great you didn't just dismiss your husband like I have been dismissed.

I have tried waiting until the third or fourth date, which makes it even more painful since everything had been going well. I know it's not right, but now I have this compulsion on the first date to say "listen, I have (insert diagnoses). If you can't deal with that, then f off." I don't do it, but I just want to save myself the heartache.

Have you considered trying to find a date on the dating site gearing towards others with similar issues. I think It's called no longer lonely.

Just a question. Are you sure that's why they didn't call? I'd ask them for feedback. Maybe it's something else

[Sunflower123]

i married when I was 21 and was diagnosed later in the marriage. We were married 20 years before I had to get out because he didn't understand mental illness. I don't know how to advise you except that there is always hope and maybe don't tell your dates on the first few dates what your maladies are. Good luck and best wishes. Sending big hugs.

[scarlett35]

I have had ocd/social anxiety/GAD and mild depression for years. I am in a relationship and have never found my mental health issues to be a problem. The reason why is probably because I don't see it as something I need to disclose to someone straight away, there's loads more they can know about me first, the less heavy stuff! Mental health is something I bring up as and when it seems necessary, when I'm ready and I trust and know the person a little better.

The right person will understand and I've found my current partner to be really supportive when I have brought things up it also helps if they have an open mind to these kind of things too of course.

Btw... I met my current partner on a dating website been happy with him for the last 8 months and going strong it sounds cliché but it really helped to try and get out and do stuff I enjoyed. I think this built my confidence in myself and then I felt in a better position to date as well.

I don't know if any of that helps! Good luck and I'm sure the right person will come along soon and when they do they will be worth the wait!

[HALLIEBETH87]

I met the guy I'm dating two years ago when we both volunteered to work a teen Christian retreat. We became friends and eight months ago we decided to date. I told him about my dxs early on because we were friends first. He has aspbergers and I have bipolar, etc. we accept each other for who we are and look past the quirks. He even visits me if I have to go inpatient. In January he called me everyday I was in and visited twice. I couldn't believe it.

I never expected to be dating because I was single for SO long. Happened when I wasn't looking. Maybe it will for you too! <3

[Raindropvampire]

I didn't get married until I was 31. I work at a gas station and was friends with my newspaper carrier. Her son saw my picture on her phone and begged her to introduce us. I'm bipolar with CPTSD and he's schizoaffective with PTSD. So sometimes it's a struggle because my issues butt heads with his issues but we make it work.

My boyfriend and I met during entrance exams 3 years ago. We took a test to quiz out of a class, and he was the first to say "screw it, I'll just take the class"and I was the second. He has cerebral palsy and almost certainly Aspergers (just not "officially" diagnosed). I have depression, anxiety, and possibly either a personality disorder (was tentatively considered having Avoidant PD when I was younger and it does fit really well) or possibly on the spectrum myself. His natural loyalty and honesty made it much easier for me to attach to him (because of my past I have a really hard time trusting and attaching properly) and because his sister and best friend have gone through similar mood/emotional issues he just seems to already know the way I need him to be, if that makes sense. He was accepting of me, kind to me, and helped me feel included/important so I really didn't care if he was on the spectrum (which I think he told me about 2-3 months into dating?) or if he technically had a disability (I only say technically because he's fully able since he's been able to adapt around it). I'm not sure why he's so accepting of me sometimes...and we make a pretty good team. I'm usually good at the stuff he's not so good at and vice versa. Plus having a whole bunch of things in common didn't hurt.

By the way, I never really had to tell him about my issues. They're pretty obvious to anyone who tries to get close to me (that's why I make people stay away ). As soon as we started dating I lapsed into a pretty severe depression for a time and my attachment issues are pretty obvious (very clingy, bad separation anxiety). I think I would have scared away most people. I don't think most people would have the patience to deal with it while I form a secure attachment (which to be fair, is STILL not completely secure, but it's much closer).

I was young (22) it happened when I wasn't seeking it particularly, we were friends for a while (several months) before it became more - he was keener initially, but I always liked him. I don't think I could ever have got together with someone who wasn't a friend first. It takes me a while to trust, in love and friendships.

After a short while I told him about the period of depression I'd had (I was coming out of) but looking back I'm not sure he fully understood that it would be a life long thing on and off, not sure I did myself. Unfortunately I have had several periods of depression since (including post natal), we've been together 23 years now. Tbh it's only really the last few years he has accepted and understood my MH issues, so it's not always been easy for either of us although I've always been functional with my depression and not severely affected. It's been a journey for both of us but I'm glad he's shared it with me.

I'm not sure that sharing on the first date is a good move, people can be easily overwhelmed, but other than that I'd really recommend becoming friends first (in fact I think friendship in general is a fantastic thing to have) and taking things slowly - it builds a solid foundation, and even if nothing more develops it's always good to have friends.