Do you ever feel like you can't love?

I am married, and my husband has been extremely supportive throughout my mental health struggles. He also has some mental health issues, but nowhere near the extent that I do, so he at least understands to an extent.

But, as I have been majorly depressed for over a year and a half, it's really putting a strain on our relationship. We have both come to the realization that there are actually three of us in this relationship - me, him, and my depression. And we try our best to distinguish between issues we have between us, and issues that are a result of my depression. Although, that doesn't keep things from getting tense during my worst times.

I have no sex drive, and most of the time even just human contact is not something I am capable of. So, there's really no snuggling, no kissing, no intimacy or romance. Basically, he has just resorted to the "best friend" role at this point (we were best friends for several years before becoming romantically involved).

And although I know that deep down, I really do love him, it's the main emotion I am really struggling with. There's so much going on in my head (such as just trying to make it through each day alive) that I don't really seem to have the capacity for love. I hate it, and I hate what it seems to be doing to him because he knows I am like this right now.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Being incapable of actively loving someone, even though you are technically in love with them, because your mental health is just too overwhelming?

Yes. I empathize with your situation totally. In the midst of my most severe depression, this is how I felt about my now ex husband. Sending big hugs.

I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. I just hope that I will come out of the other side of this sometime, and that my ability to love won't be lost forever...

I had that.....but I grew up wirh parents who had no idea how to show love. I remember by mom telling me as I grew up that my dad really did love me.

I thought I was marrying a guy who was nothing like my dad but come to find out he was exactly like my dad.....had no idea until I left after being married 33 years.

I always thought that I was the one incapable of loving & really caring for anyone as I never had motherly instincts for our daughter either. The last 13 years of our marriage I was dx'ed with major depression & major anxiety to the point I couldnt function or continue my computer engineering career though not finding positions open at the time added to my depression & everyone thought it was the cause of my depression & numerous suicide attempts.

Fast forward to 10 years ago when I finally left my marriage & moved 2100 miles away to a town where I knew no one, I got into wonderful therapy & 2 years of intense DBT group therapy. I was finally able to sort through my own stuff then I started to sort through my past. In my new town, I actually was able to connect with the people I met & make really close friends so I realized that I wasnt the one totally responsible for the lack of relationship feelings with my H to start with. All those years I thoyght it was me but analyzing the big picture I realized that he was the one who was incapable of emotionally connecting with anyone & he was the one with serious communication problems because in my new environment I was having none of the problems I had experienced throughout my marriage. That got me looking back into my childhood & that was when I remembered my mom having to tell me that my dad loved me. I started to analyze the behaviors I grew up around & realized that my dad's behaviors were also an inability to emirionally connect with anyone & he was also incapable of communicating with people & my mom just had such low self-esteem that she was barely functiknal herself in any emotionally healthy way during my growing up years. So I learned how to be just as dysfunctional as the environment I grew up in & lived in durjng my marriage.

I msnaged tovfunction well enough to hold down my computer engineering career for 15 years but when things git tough I didnt have the functional skills to handle it. Deprezsion hit in a major way when I felt trapped in the situation I found myself in.

It was totally shocking to me when I realized that all that depression & even all my suicide attempts were my way of responding to my environment & not just me being totally messed up & it also was enlightening to realize thst it wasnt just me that was lacking the feeling of love in my marriage but that it also was my response to it really lacking from my H which I had no idea until I stepped out if the marriage & saw it for what it really was. Honestly until I realized that I could emotilnally connect to people around me & communicate rationally without having to fight all the time, I thought for sure the issues were all ckming from me.

I still struggle at times because even though it feels natural to emotionally connect with the people around me who have become good friends, I still struggle at times with the 54 years of behavior patterns that still sneek in at times but I know now when I feel a distance that its frkm past learned behavior & not what is frlm really within me.

Sometimes we need to take a good look at the cause of our depression. In my case it was situational in cause. I know in other cases its pure chemical inbalance that is the cause....but knowing that can shed light on what is really going on in your life.

Also its possible that your depression may be causing you to pull away which in turn is feeding into your depression & the cycle continues to spural downward.

I hope you have a good therapist on yoyr own who can help you learn good working skills to counter some of your depression & if possible, have a pdoc who can help with possible meds or natural suppliments that can help. For me, ALL psych meds caused me such bad side effects that they werent possible to be a part of the solution.

Relatiobships are very complex & there can be so much more going on under the surface that we have no idea even exists until we start analyzing & digging into the reality of the situation.

Sadly with research I came across the undiagnosed reasons for my H & fathers behaviors because the dx wasnt even existant until after my dad had died & for my H, at the same time my depressikn got bad so all focusbwas on me, not him until his behavior became avserious problem in his own functioning though it had always existed....he still refuses to get diagnosed to get the help he really needs but its his priblem now as i have had no contact with him in years except through credit reports that indicate hes messing up again.

Hope you can sort through the real underlying cause of your depression as that may be the real help your marriage needs.

Yes. As my relationship continues, I've been asking myself what love truly might be?

I feel like I can't be loved

I feel similarly, only for me, I sometimes find myself craving love or some type of connection with another person, yet being unable to find it. I also find it difficult to feel much for other people; even those that are among my family (what little that I have) or friends.

Due to my messed up childhood, I find it difficult to really feel anything. I've turned into a computer geek that is great with tech related stuff, yet sucks when it comes to empathizing and understanding people. I've become cold, much like the computers and technology that I work with daily.

Still though, being loved one day would be nice. In a way, I envy those who have been through significant hardships, yet are able to find love. Something like getting into a relationship still seems out of reach for me, despite all that I've accomplished in the past couple of years.

If after all this time you are feeling this bad, perhaps you made a med change. Depression can cause lack of libido, but the meds can wreck your libido too. Docs tend to not acknowledge how common this side effect can be. Please talk about this with your doctor about this.