[seizaxhoshi]

Trigger warnings, please be cautious when reading my messy 14 year old life issues.

I guess i'll start with the beginning.
In my first post, i explained i was taking meds to help me with my depression and anxiety, but also with voices and hallucinations, but my mom took it from me, why? Not exactly sure. Not taking my meds like that had a negative effect on me, stuff i struggle with just crashed into me full force and these issues are stronger than they were, not sure why. My mother is forcing me to get better, "Try harder" "Stop it, you think it's funny?" "You don't need counselling."
My mother is a kind woman, but lately she has been... drinking more, and it has been making her aggressive and cold. I don't blame her, I shouldn't even be this broken for a 14 year old.
I can't go to my father either, the bastard left me when i was born and came back just to leave again. He currently is in jail.. I don't know why i love a man who was never there for me.

Anyways.. The voices and hallucinations are out of my control, i keep having depressive episodes and panic attacks, and what does my mom do? Gets angry at me for being this way, for not getting better. I'm trying, it isn't easy.
I never learned to cope with this stuff, i "suffered" alone and kept it to myself, cause it's the only think i know. She doesn't see that.
She says i'm being stupid, that it isn't real even though she seen how bad my panic attacks are, how bad i am. Yet she isn't taking me to get help.

Time skip to couple days ago.
I was in my room, reading books and calling my girlfriend when i was hit by my PTSD. I got a flashback from when.. I was eight years old.
When i was eight years old.. my innocence was taken from me.
After that flashback, i had a panic attack and couldn't tell the difference between reality and that flashback, i ended up.. trying to take my life.
My older brother found me and got my mom, she was... drunk.
The first thing she does to me is hit me, hard and cold. She has this unreadable look in her eyes as she yelled at me, saying i don't need the help, i'm okay.
She didn't understand when i cried my heart out, telling her what i've been feeling lately.
She didn't even call for help or ask.. she just cleaned my mess and sent me to bed with a threat of sending me away.
She told me that it's just me, that i'm overreacting.

She isn't that kind woman anymore.
She won't take me for help and i have no idea what to do anymore.
I'm trying to cope like she wants me too.
I'm trying to be that perfect daughter she wanted.

I feel like i'm going crazy.

[Shazerac]

i'm terribly sorry you are in such a painful situation

It's awful that your mother is denying you the treatment and meds that you need. Is there a nurse or counselor at school you could talk to or a local clinic that you coul go to for help.? Or maybe try calling a crisis hotline?

[Sunflower123]

My heart breaks for you. I agree with Shazerac. Your mom is being neglectful and abusive. You need help. Please consider reaching out in one of the ways she suggested. You really need to open up and be 100% honest. I hope you get the help you need and feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

[Crazy Hitch]

Who prescribed the meds for you?

Whoever the professional/doctor/psychiatrist was that gave you the script, should definitely be speaking to your mother.

Also, you need professional help. Your mother is not a professional, and she can not help you.

You need to please go and see whoever put you on the meds. You have clearly deteriorated since she yanked you off them.

((((many hugs)))))) I am so very sorry for your pain and your situation.

I agree with the others, and the suggestions made. These are excellent suggestions, and your mother is most certainly being abusive. You should not be denied treatment, and your mental health issues should not be denied either. To try and take your own life, well, your mother is turning a blind eye in sheer ignorance. I am angered to hear this, and I really feel for you in your position. Please do seek professional help through any of the ways suggested above. I truly hope you get the help you need, and your meds. Please take care of yourself. We're here for you. ((((HUGS!!!!)))))

[Turtle_Rider]

Sorry for what happen for you.

After reading your post, it seems like your mother is mentally unstable too, maybe because she has some problem. For some people, when overwhelmed they can abuse or hurt others. I think she needs therapist too.

Like others, you should prioritize yourself first. Totally agree with Sherazac, follow her advice at this moment.

[seizaxhoshi]

Where I live, it is hard to talk to counselors that are in reach, simply because they only come in once a month. I would have to talk to my doctor to get me sent out, which was supposed to happen on the 18th, but my mother cancelled on me with the famous "You'll be okay" line.
I tried talking to a.. non professional yet wise in life counselor(somebody who in my community) and discovered that I need professional help rather than life advice. I was thinking of walking over to the clinic to ask for help myself, but I'm afraid my mother will get angry at me when she discovers what I did and cancel again. Calling a crisis hotline is hard for me since my anxiety is acting up on me again, it keeps me holed up in my room and quiet.
I tried talking to my friends(peers) and all I get is "I relate" or "I'm busy" kinda stuff. I'm kind of in a position where I can't do nothing but go with the flow and hope for the best.

Thank you for the suggestions, I might try and ask for help myself at the clinic.