[jrae]

so I got this email from my cousin today and omg, I'm like a deer in the headlights as to his response. so i'll put it out there and see if someone can see something I am not. thanks

first off, don't have a perfect family, never have and never will. that includes all my relatives. most treat me differently because of my MI (that or something else I'm not aware of). and at times, my MI consumes me and I miss things that others might find obvious.

second- my cousin and I kinda bonded a couple years ago over the way our family treats us, basically like outsiders. but people in my life tend to communicate in 'waves', as in like a few messages here, then none for a long time, then a few, then none, and back & forth. and for me, my theory is if the other person won't put in the effort to maintain the friendship (as in, not always me being the one to initiate contact or always asking for info [like pulling teeth]), then why should I?! so I don't put much thought into it if someone goes weeks or months without saying anything to me, especially if there is a distance involved. I just let them have their space, so to speak.

and third, I only have two friends left and both live hours from me. and even they talk to me in 'waves'. everyone else eventually stopped talking to me along the way.

okay, he's what he sent me. back story: my parents had their fortieth anniv this weekend and I sent out a MASS email to relatives on Thursday suggesting that people message my parents, IF they wanted to. [and I did this even though when I had my thirtieth birthday, my family didn't do a dam thing for me]


"""Since it was you who informed me of your mother excluding me from the family get together, after I told you I have cancer and sent an article explaining how my immediate family treats me as the scapegoats and identified patient, I don't want to speak with you ever again. Your personal character lacks emotional intelligence and the courage to do what is righteous.
The dysfunction of our family, which you participate in, is something I can no longer submit myself to. The passive aggressive behavior, gas lighting, and assigned roles are evidence of the mentally unhealthy behavior that will never change.
The claims of being devoted Christians, while judging others and expecting to be forgiven, is a hypocrisy which narcissistic personalities are unable to correct.
I expect you'll tell yourself that I'm somehow mistaken, you or your family are the true victims in this situation, or that I have ulterior motives. You may even roll your eyes or have a deep condescending laugh. Again, I can no longer submit myself to a group of people who use blaming, shaming, projection to alleviate personal insecurities, denial, and bullying tactics as a way to have other individuals submit to their will.
I wish to spend the precious time I have left on this earth with those who I deem worthy.
Don't respond to this message. Do not email me again. Don't lie to yourself in an attempt to lie to me."""

p.s. after he told me he had cancer, I sent him an email back asking what was going on. he NEVER told me! and the family get together was back in july, which is when we last emailed. have NOT heard a dam thing from him since. so wtf...

[Sunflower123]

I must be missing something. Why is he so angry at you and why lump you in with everybody else? You could give it some time and reach out to him. Did you know he had cancer? Do you think it's legit?

[pegasus]

The message to you is full of anger and bitterness. That sort of anger dies down. I would message the person asking how they are, let them know you care. I don't think you can do any more than that. If they don't want you in their life, you can't force them. It may be the cancer has affected them in this way. Hugs.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I honestly do not think this email is telling the whole story. When was the falling out with you and this person and why did it happen? Clearly he is inferring that you know what he's talking about related to something that happened previously. it really doesn't sound like a rant that's coming out of nowhere.

I'd honestly reflect on the recent past and try to figure it out.

No one here can really do that for you because there just isn't enough information here.

[jrae]

okay, I will try to answer questions that were posted as best I can. here goes...

I have no clue why he is so angry at me or why he lumped me in with everyone else. I know there was some stuff going on with his immediate family, but he never directly said he had a beef with the rest of his relatives, including me!

I will include our correspondence (email messages) over the last year. [in fact, outside of the ones posted below, the last email I got from him was dated 12/22/2015! - and I don't delete emails]
He didn't specifically say 'I have cancer' and his exact wording is below. I assumed that is what he meant. I even sent the wording to a person I know who has had cancer twice - she agreed that is what the wording was hinting at.

I am WELL aware that people can't force other people to be friends with them, sadly! and you may be right, the cancer might be part or most of this - the timing would maybe suggest that.

that's the strange thing - there was NO falling out between my cousin and me, at least not one that I'm aware of!!!!! there was no hint of this anger at me the last time we conversed. that's why I'm so confused. I don't understand where this is coming from -- unless it really isn't meant towards me, but instead it is towards someone(s) else.

Is it legit?! at first, that is what I was thinking, sad to say. there was a part of me that wondered that. but until proven otherwise, I was tending to believe what he said.

and I will say this. I have no idea what goes on between him, his dad, his two brothers (one is married and has a 2yo girl), and his mother. his parents divorced many years ago, like 15-ish. his mother has lived out-of-state for a few years now, oldest brother was like an hour away, dad was three hours away, and other brother & family lived two hours away. I don't know things about that family unless I'm told it directly by one of them or I overhear someone else talking about it. I can say that his oldest brother did just move 'out-of-state' to live with their mother, that was the end of july I believe. (does that have something to do with this, who knows...maybe)

and my relatives don't talk with me much. I'm sure that's mostly cuz of my MI and the fact I'm not glued to social media crap (like facebook, twitter, pinterest...)! so I don't 'hear' very many things.

we did send a few texts back and forth but it's probably been more than six months since that. and even so, I don't have the memory to remember what he said.

[jrae]

here's the correspondence between my cousin and me, emails at least. and I don't delete emails so what I found is all that is there! and out of respect for privacy, I did redact certain info from the messages, but was noted in the [] parts.

please let me know if you spot something that I didn't. cuz like you guys said, I must be missing something as well...

-> the best way to read these is from the bottom up, as in from earliest to most recent. (in hindsight I should have typed them the other way around - sorry)



HIM:
Sun 9/24/2017 12:41 AM
“”” Considering your father decided to ignore my request for help when my family ostracized me by not inviting me to the cabin; and since your mother didn't want me invited to the family get together, for reasons unknown to me; I won't be wishing them a happy anniversary. “””

then the rest of the email is what I posted online in my first/main post…

ME:
Friday, September 22, 2017 3:12 AM

I sent out the mass email to my relatives about the weekend…

___________________________________________________

-> that was it - no emails for over 2 months!!!
and I’m pretty certain there were no texts over that time frame as well

____________________________________________________

ME:
Tue 7/11/2017 4:27 AM
“”even so, in the end we are all human and all make mistakes””

HIM:
Sat 7/8/2017 12:17 AM
“”Hmmm. I must have done something to upset her. If only she could forgive me.. She's a Christian, right? “”

ME:
Saturday, July 8, 2017 12:14:44 AM
“”I just checked the address list on the email she sent out on Wednesday - sent to [I listed the names of two of her siblings and five of her nieces & nephews]. “”

HIM:
Sat 7/8/2017 12:12 AM
“”Your mother wouldn't have invited me?””

ME:
Saturday, July 8, 2017 12:09:01 AM
“”nope but thanks anyways. I got a little chewed out for sending out my [family name] Gathering email by my mom, but at least I included you - she did not! Sorry
take care and best wishes””

-> I did not read the article, but said I did just to end that part of the convo. I didn’t cuz A) I don’t do online self-diagnosing, B) I try not to read things that will mess with my mind, and C) I have a number of other reasons which I have never told anyone!!!

HIM:
Fri 7/7/2017 12:07 AM
“”I need to change topics. You and I have discussed aspects of the dysfunction in our family in the past. This article was extremely helpful for me. If it applies to your situation, I hope it will help set you on path for a healthy life. This is something I've been meaning to share with you for sometime.
[...]//childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2015/10/25/did-your-dysfunctional-family-make-you-the-identified-patient/ “”

ME:
Thursday, July 6, 2017 11:10:17 PM
“”Wow, what's going on? I hadn't heard anything, but then again, I'm not in the loop to begin with. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. I just hope things are going well and also get better for you.
Take care and best wishes””

HIM:
Thu 7/6/2017 8:30 AM
“”I won't be able to come to the family get-together. I received my test results last week. My doctor wants me to start chemotherapy and radiation treatments asap to better my chances of survival.””

ME:
Thursday, July 6, 2017 1:11:19 AM
“”Well, three weeks ago she had surgery on her wrist/thumb. So she's a little 'one-handed' for the time being.
Will you be at the [family name] Gathering or are things still not-so-good with the family??
Take care and hope you're enjoy the heat! Out here today, we had a feels like temp of 101!! too hot for me �� “”

HIM:
Wed 7/5/2017 5:43 PM
“”Why isn't [my mom’s name] 'doing much typing'?””

ME:
Monday, July 3, 2017 5:22:58 PM

I sent out a mass email to relatives with info about the upcoming gathering and asking for a head-count. also mentioned that I was going to try to do this this year, since my mom wasn’t doing much typing lately.

____________________________________________________

-> my mom did send him the mass email inviting people to the [family name] Christmas, which was dated 11/30/2016. i have no idea if he replied back to her or not. he was also included in the mass email that my mom sent out about the [family name] gathering in early july, which was dated 06/24/2016. again, i have no idea if he replied back to her on that email or not. and he was included in the mass Christmas email that was dated 12/02/2015

____________________________________________________

ME:
12/22/2015 9:23AM

I sent him an email sharing a ‘family-related’ story about something between his dad and I. [this was done after a few texts had been received from him]

ME:
Tue 12/22/2015 8:56 AM
“”Emails are just fine, which allows you to write down things. You can even save an email as a draft, come back later and re-read it to see if that's what you really want to say and the wording you want to use. I am not a huge texter, but some I do. Either or is fine with me. (with long messages, emails might work better) I'm not 'glued' to my phone or my computer, so some times it may take a while to respond. But you can always text me saying you sent me an email, and that'll be a reminder for me to check it sooner rather than later.
'Snail mail' probably doesn't work the best, because of the wait time and things can always get lost. But like I said, you can always write things down and 'type' them up later (email or text) and send them when you're ready.
And like many people, I need time to think about things and process them. I like to have time to think about what I'm going to say.””

HIM:
Tue 12/22/2015 2:20 AM
“” What is best for you to communicate? I prefer writing( Real paper, stamps and all). It allows me time to think and clearly express my emoticons, rather than be controlled by them; something I ail from.””


-> last time I saw him would have been July 2015, I believe.

[~Christina]

Im lost ,, but I just wanting to tell you I am sorry your in such a emotional situation. I hope things settle down and you will finally get some answers