My fiance is always depressed

My fiance and i have been together for 2.5 years. We live together and currently have a 1 year old daughter together. When we got together we both had children from previous relationships. I had been out of my relationship for 2 years and had completely moved on. My daughter was 5 at the time we started dating. He had been out of his relationship for 2 years also, but he was still trying to get back with his ex. When we started dating he supposedly had stopped trying to be with his ex. His daughter was 16 months at the time. He had dated his ex for 2 months before she found out she was pregnant. He wanted to have a family with her but she broke up with him as soon as she found out. She had just wanted a summer fling and it broke his heart. He was never with her in a relationship for the majority of the preganancy or for their daughters whole life. But he was always trying to be with her and they would hang out and even fore play but she was till talking to other guys and she made it very clear she didnt want him. In a way she kept using him.
When I started dating him, we had known each other for years and he said he wanted to move on with his life. After a few months of dating we moved in together and he told me he had completely moved on from her. About a month after living together I found out that through our few months of being in a relationship that he was still trying to get back with her behind my back. But that she kept turning him down. She had a boyfriend and didnt want him. She just wanted to co-parent. He apologized to me and of course I forgave him.
Fast forward 2.5 years later and I have always been dealing with the same cycle of him always trying to seduce his ex and me always forgiving him. He will be fine for months and then out of nowhere start with the whole "he misses her and loves her and wishes he could had been with her" and he will tell her these things and she always shuts him down. And I always forgive him cause I know he does love me but I feel like he has obsessive problems over her. It is as if she is a drug and he tells me all the time that he hates getting impulsive and always going down the same road because he knows she isnt good for him but it is as if he cant control himself.
Lately he has been doing better as far as being neutral towards his ex but I have noticed that he is ALWAYS depressed. He will be fine and then has an episode.
And his depressions, even for the last 2.5 years, is always linked to the fact that he doesnt live with his daughter. She is now 3.5 years old. His daughter lives with his ex and her parents. It has always been like that. He always expresses how he wishes that his daughter lived with him, how her mother doesnt love her as much as he does, how his daughter is sad cause he isnt there for her...let me add that his daughter mother DOES loves the girl and that his daughter has ALWAYS been happy and well taken care of. He doesnt have closure in the fact that he cant have his daughter everyday since he dosent LIVE with her and the mother. MY fiance works all of the time and his schedule always changes. I am the one who takes care of OUR daughter while he does literally nothing. He sees and plays with our daughter for maybe 30 mins a day. Otherwise I do the grunt work. I bathe her, feed her, change her diapers, put her to bed and do everything. He isnt good at doing all of the parental work. I keep telling him that he should seek a counselor to get closure over the fact that he is a part time parent for his oldest. He wants for his oldest what me and him have for OUR child and I keep telling him that wont happen cause he doesnt live over there with his ex. He needs to accept that he cant give his oldest her mom and dad together. He always says that his ex doesnt love their daughter cause if she did then why didnt she give their daughter a family. He doesnt realize that not being with someone doesnt determine the love you have for the child.
I just dont know how to help him anymore? What advice should I give him so he can have closure? He wants his daughter to live with him but he is NEVER around. I have 2 kids that I am alone with the majority of the time. His ex has her parents helping her take care of her daughter. His daughter is better off with people she has always lived with and better off with the mother who will take care of her properly. I feel like he is only thinking of what is best for him and not what is best for his kid. He barely makes any money and I cover the majority of the expenses as well as majorly support BOTH my kids. I feel like he isnt being realistic as to what we can handle since he doesnt see how much work it is to take care of kids 24/7 since he is always working or sleeping or relaxing watching tv.
I am not his daughter mother, and his daughter should be with her mother, cause I feel like only a mother can properly care for a child. I just dont know what to tell him anymore since he always gets sad. He has no closure and he always talks about how he is missing out on his daughters life since he dosnt see her everyday and doesnt live with her and how his ex screwed up their daughter's life. how do i respond to this? I feel like he should focus less on the negative and focus more on the positive. He should stop chasing after what could had been and start focusing on our relationship and raising our daughter tougher cause honestly it is very stressful when he is always depressed, always talking about the past and always talking about not having his oldest daughter when he barely participates with the one he lives with and he should be doing everything in his power to make sure our daughter is brought up in a loving family and that she doesnt suffer the hardships both of our other daughters had to experience of being from separated parents. What advice can I give him so that he can not be so depressed all of the time?

Hello. Welcome to PC.

Welcome to PC! ((((Hugs))))

I know you love your fiance and must love him dearly in order to consider a marriage with him, but I have to ask, what are you really getting out of this relationship? Seems he is still hung up on his ex, is not trustworthy, does not lift a finger to help you with your daughter and bemoans the loss of a family that could have been. To me, this all says he is still hung up on her rather than over their child together. From what you say, their child is well looked after. Naturally a father should want to be involved, but why does he moan over his daughter's well being when he is not even involved in his child's life with you?

Very sorry to say it, but I think you're getting the short end of the bargain here. I don't know what to advise you, but have you considered talking this over with a therapist? It seems he could benefit from therapy himself, but if it were me, I would be reconsidering a marriage with someone who has tried to get back together with their ex behind my back while with me and who is still hung up on them. He has not moved on and is not involving himself in his life with you and your child together.

I hope I am not upsetting you by being so honest. I hope you can come to a solution with this, and one that makes you feel happier. (((((more hugs)))))

I would insist he go into Therapy, If not I would start working on moving him out...

Im sorry you should never play second best when its CLEAR he wants her.

If it were me I would talk to a lawyer about how to set up him being responsible for the child you have together, Sorry I dont mean to be so blunt.

Welcome to PC

I would suggest he leaves. If he was my SO

His daughter is being used as a massive smoke screen (a beautiful innocent one at that) to hide what he really wants,(her mother) but he's not even hiding it well at all.

He wants to be with her mother, but claims he wants to be there for her.

If this was really driving him to the depths of despair, logic dictates that he would do his best to bot let history repeat itself, and thus be a better father to his youngest.

He says his ex robbed their daughter of a proper family, he's doing the exact same thing to your daughter, he's not pulling his parental weight with the daughter he does live with... Hypocrisy much?

Does the daughter the two of you share not count? Does she not need both her parents?

Or is she being left by the wayside because he can't play happy families with his first born, so now baby sister suffers as a result and gets robbed of the experience he's hell-bent on sharing with his eldest?

There's zero logic behind his dramatic lamentations, when you stack them up next to his actions.

That little girl is a smoke screen, very clever one if you use it right, coz hey, who can hate a little girl, and who can blame a dad for wanting to be there for his little girl?...

But the cold hard truth is that he's still in love with her mom and wont or can't admit it.

I would never stay with someone who kept blatantly reminding me that I'm a consolation prize.

Set him free to go chase his first prize, (or his own tail), unless of course you don't mind being second best.