[jayne_d_oh]

Apologies if this thread exists somewhere already, but I appreciate any tips & tricks you can give me.

Brief history: I'm one of those people who was never asked out in high school, no first kiss until I was quite tipsy in college (and that was all there was to that). Was so desperate for someone to want me that I flew to another state to meet someone from the 'net, who I subsequently married (I was VERY naive, and later found out he cheated from the get-go and never actually wanted to marry me). One post-divorce "relationship" (I pursued him) that I gave up on after 6 years because there was still no actual commitment and no indication that one would be made eventually. No real friends ... those I do make leave within a year or two (I only hear from people if they need something).

Given all that, I have a hard time believing that I can ever make any lasting connections, and it hurts. I realize this is trivial compared to what so many others go through, but I really need some help learning how to make and keep lasting relationships of any sort.

Sorry for the long post,
jayne_d_oh

[FallDuskTrain]

It is not trivia at all.
First and foremost, this is not a competition of who has it worse. Secondly, wanting to have real connections and lasting relationships is a very basic human desire. Things start going wrong when we lack it.
I dont know what the solution is because I don’t have any close friends or family. And, I have not had a significant other or any other romantic connection for over a decade now.
I have been learning how to enjoy my own company and embracing my solitude and it has been a wonderful voyage.
Yes, it is very difficult and I crave real connection and love and friendship. As a result, I am desperate to have it. Luckily, knowing this helps me not to act desperate.
Embrace your solitude and get to know your self. It is a very meaningful experience.

[jayne_d_oh]

Thank you, FallDusk ... I appreciate your thoughts. I will try to get better at embracing my solitude. Best wishes to you on your own journey!

jayne

[MickeyCheeky]

I actually feel the same way. I don't think it's trivial at all, loneliness is a very important issue

[jayne_d_oh]

Thank you, Mickey ... it helps knowing others can relate. (((hugs))) to you!

jayne

[dlantern]

I understand, I'd just make I keep myself open and available to such relationship as you mentioned. Possibly there in your town folks are just keeping up the the trends of being loners. I'd say don't blame yourself, alot goes into keeping someone around including what is actually on there mind, the company that folks keep. I'd make sure I don't blame myself, but actually make sure you search for areas of improvement.

[mymask]

How old are you Jayne? Age could have a lot to do with it. I had a similar start, no dates in HS, first kiss at maybe 21?? Looking for love etc, I idealized everyone else and thought (and still do) that I am weird/different why can't I have what they have? Anyway fast forward I am now in my 50s and have seen the reality of life that no one has it perfect we all suffer in some areas. We all make do or settle in some way, and if people say they don't they just won't admit it. Friends are hard to make at certain ages. I am finding it easier now that I am older, my friends are past the raising kids, new love/relationship stage. As far as a "love" relationship, you may or may not find it, but it is not going to fix you/save you or change you. So don't think that is the magic bullet, maybe look for different things in a person, the net is ok, if you do it right, don't jump into anything fast, and look for good people, pay attention to red flags. Not sure if you have a faith base, but church's are a great place to meet friends as well as partners. Also being single does have it's benefits.

[jayne_d_oh]

Originally Posted by dlantern

I understand, I'd just make I keep myself open and available to such relationship as you mentioned. Possibly there in your town folks are just keeping up the the trends of being loners. I'd say don't blame yourself, alot goes into keeping someone around including what is actually on there mind, the company that folks keep. I'd make sure I don't blame myself, but actually make sure you search for areas of improvement.

Thanks, dlantern. I can't help but blame myself ... logic says that the problem must be within me, I just don't know what it is that turns people off. I'll try to do some self-reflection, see if I can put a better finger on it.

Wishing you a good weekend,
jayne

[jayne_d_oh]

Thanks for the input, mymask. I'm in my lower 40's. I agree ... friends are hard to make. I'm acquaintances with many, just no one I would actually turn to for help, etc. Does that make sense? Once it's possible, I'll move to another state to be closer to my immediate family, but that's a few years down the road yet. I'm not looking for love anymore, gave up the ghost on that one; I've gotten pretty used to being on my own, and like things a certain way now, lol. I think what I'm really looking for is a person or two that I can lean on in the tough times. I thought about joining a gym, maybe I would meet some people there? Church would be a great option, but I have a hard time with organized religion (long story).

Thanks again, and I hope you have an enjoyable weekend,
jayne

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by mymask

How old are you Jayne? Age could have a lot to do with it. I had a similar start, no dates in HS, first kiss at maybe 21?? Looking for love etc, I idealized everyone else and thought (and still do) that I am weird/different why can't I have what they have? Anyway fast forward I am now in my 50s and have seen the reality of life that no one has it perfect we all suffer in some areas. We all make do or settle in some way, and if people say they don't they just won't admit it. Friends are hard to make at certain ages. I am finding it easier now that I am older, my friends are past the raising kids, new love/relationship stage. As far as a "love" relationship, you may or may not find it, but it is not going to fix you/save you or change you. So don't think that is the magic bullet, maybe look for different things in a person, the net is ok, if you do it right, don't jump into anything fast, and look for good people, pay attention to red flags. Not sure if you have a faith base, but church's are a great place to meet friends as well as partners. Also being single does have it's benefits.

Thank you for Sharing your perspective. I am not the OP but I have benefitted from your insightful post.
I am 40, single by choice and don’t have any close friends or family. I believe that I am in a transitional stage during which I navigating life while trying to answer these questions.
Maintaining friendships is particularly difficult because I no longer care about new love/relationships (have been happily single for a long time), and I am significantly less concerned about what others think of me hence not preoccupied by being judged negatively or not fitting in. I still do care but I am also working hard on completely eliminating this concern.
On the other hand, Friends that I find are merely concerned about new love relationships, dating problems, not having a respectful career and an image... while all i care about being physically healthy, have deep connections, read philosophy, be with nature, garden, write poetry.

[continuosly blue]

( The following is just based on personal experience , may or may not, mean anything).) I found that “ looking for love “ is a very difficult thing to do. I believe that we “ find love “ through an incidental interaction with that person. Life is made up , from conception, of moments interacting with the laws of probability. Chance.
There are so many variables that it’s probably impossible to calculate.
But you may say , wait a minute, the great “I “ make decisions on my own !
Do you really ? All decisions you make are based on the accumulation of millions of other smaller or larger factors. Life leads us by the nose ! Yet we think we are in control. If something is meant to happen it will happen. We are social animals. But look what happens when we get close to any other human being. We will have some comfort but I guarantee that the pain part is on the way. In some shape or form. Ok , so what does all of this mean in English ! Live for the moment. Learn to love yourself before anyone else. Establish some self esteem.
Do what makes you feel good , ( as long as you’re not hurting anyone else).
We come into this world alone and we will go out of it alone. Everything in between is just what it is , life , unfolding, moment by moment.

[mymask]

I have thought the same thing about having people to help in times of trouble, but I find I probably would not ask for help, I don't phone people so that is out of the question, maybe I could ask for help if they were already there. Another issue I have is when I am mentally down, I am afraid of breaking down (crying) in front of people so I always avoid people during those times which means again I probably would not ask for help during a crisis (being afraid of breaking down in front of others) which troubles me because we all go through crisis at some point in our lives.

Originally Posted by jayne_d_oh

Thanks for the input, mymask. I'm in my lower 40's. I agree ... friends are hard to make. I'm acquaintances with many, just no one I would actually turn to for help, etc. Does that make sense? Once it's possible, I'll move to another state to be closer to my immediate family, but that's a few years down the road yet. I'm not looking for love anymore, gave up the ghost on that one; I've gotten pretty used to being on my own, and like things a certain way now, lol. I think what I'm really looking for is a person or two that I can lean on in the tough times. I thought about joining a gym, maybe I would meet some people there? Church would be a great option, but I have a hard time with organized religion (long story).

Thanks again, and I hope you have an enjoyable weekend,
jayne

[mymask]

Have you tried meetups, they have them in most cities, google it.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I just wanted to lend my support. Hopefully, you can find a way to shut those thoughts right down, love yourself in solitude while remaining open to opportunities. Sending big hugs.