[xRavenx]

A few weeks ago, I posted on here that I was trying to get in touch with my friend and couldn't. I was in denial that maybe she had changed her number and accidentally lost my contact info, or that she was in a hospital or that something really bad happened to her. This is because, I had not heard from her after more than a month. We used to talk nearly every day. I knew she was going through a lot, but after several weeks of trying to get in touch with her (even begging her to just shoot me a text that she is okay, even if she wanted space), she finally returned my phone call today.

She told me that after we went out to eat, she took something I said out of context. She said I made things too much about "me" after she shared something negative about her boss, which we talked about many times before on the phone, where I've given her a lot of my time and support listening. I was still supportive that day when we went out....

I thought it ended well (so I thought) that last time we spoke that day we went out. We laughed, we hugged, and went our separate ways. I even paid a little more for dinner out of care for her, without expecting anything in return. I did not know at all that I had done something wrong until being ghosted for a whole month!! I had sent a card reaching out even, because she had not responded to my numerous texts and calls, just wanting to know if she was alive at that point.

I don't know how to proceed. I showed understanding once she got back to me, but made it clear that it did not feel good to be ignored and left in the dark for weeks at a time. She said she was going through a lot and did say sorry, but I was taken aback when she shared what she was mad at, with me having no idea. She is always in crisis and has difficulties with people in a wide variety of settings. I know she's been through a lot in the past. Do I have the right to feel that I was mistreated by being given the silent treatment?

I understand if she wanted space and not to talk, but to deliberately not respond to texts of me worrying about her for weeks at a time felt horrible. I try to give her excuses, and she makes them too based on having "a lot going on," but I can't help thinking it's playing the victim too much. I have my problems too with Bipolar Disorder, but I wouldn't treat a friend this way. I don't know how to move forward.

[Wild Coyote]

I definitely feel you've been mistreated. There's a point at which simply ignoring friends is abusive toward them.

I am sorry your friend has this tendency. It appears she hasn't the skills to negotiate the relationship, nor the skills to resolve conflict. Her behavior was rude and very hurtful.

What do you do now?

It would be fine to tell her your own feelings for her behaviors. Please realize she may not be able to endure such. However, you don't deserve the mistreatment.


WC

[sky457]

I've had a slightly similar experience with a friend who told me that she "couldn't be as good as a friend as she wanted or I deserved."

It significantly hurt me because I was dropped as a friend after I knew her for 3 years. She also didn't give me a legitimate reason. We often seek reasoning in acts of cutting off friends. Another friend told me that she probably developed feelings and couldn't handle me not seeing her romantically.

Regardless, you are absolutely in the right for being everything that you could be as a human. You did everything right and she has her own problems that she may have felt she needed to have overflow onto you. Sometimes we react in anger and it can affect onto others.

Silence is awful. It is hurtful and it is especially hurtful to those have have mental illness. Communication is the best one can do, even when it is to say that you need space or silence.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with WC. You were mistreated. Her behavior was out of line and was hurtful. I hope you can talk to her about this in a gentle way and get it resolved so it doesn’t happen again. If it does happen again you may want to rethink the relationship.

[lovethesun]

I agree with others that you were mistreated. She apologized for it. Perhaps talk to her about how it hurt your feelings to be treated like that and see what her response is. If she has an attitude of "well that's how I am so deal with it", then I'd definitely rethink the relationship. Sitting around being forced to play guessing games is not how one should be treated.

[xRavenx]

Thanks everyone.

She explained herself and said sorry, but I guess only time will tell as far as her not doing this again if there is a problem. I'd rather her argue with me, then not say anything at all, when trying to resolve something, and I told her that. I do find it a form of manipulation and possible attention-seeking on her end, to put me in a position to go through such lengths to find out if she's okay.

I think the friendship became skewed, where I am sometimes made to feel that my problems are not as important or as serious as hers. There were a few times where she was invalidating. She does have redeeming qualities, but I notice a theme in my life lately, where people make it all about them. It was quite ironic that the reason she was mad was for making the conversation "about me," when literally almost all conversations with her had been all about her for quite some time now! I know she's going through a lot, but this hurt me. I hardly meet any new friends, because life gets busy as an adult, so I try to give a lot of people like this the benefit of the doubt, but I wish I had healthier friendships overall.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

A few weeks ago, I posted on here that I was trying to get in touch with my friend and couldn't. I was in denial that maybe she had changed her number and accidentally lost my contact info, or that she was in a hospital or that something really bad happened to her. This is because, I had not heard from her after more than a month. We used to talk nearly every day. I knew she was going through a lot, but after several weeks of trying to get in touch with her (even begging her to just shoot me a text that she is okay, even if she wanted space), she finally returned my phone call today.

She told me that after we went out to eat, she took something I said out of context. She said I made things too much about "me" after she shared something negative about her boss, which we talked about many times before on the phone, where I've given her a lot of my time and support listening. I was still supportive that day when we went out....

I thought it ended well (so I thought) that last time we spoke that day we went out. We laughed, we hugged, and went our separate ways. I even paid a little more for dinner out of care for her, without expecting anything in return. I did not know at all that I had done something wrong until being ghosted for a whole month!! I had sent a card reaching out even, because she had not responded to my numerous texts and calls, just wanting to know if she was alive at that point.

I don't know how to proceed. I showed understanding once she got back to me, but made it clear that it did not feel good to be ignored and left in the dark for weeks at a time. She said she was going through a lot and did say sorry, but I was taken aback when she shared what she was mad at, with me having no idea. She is always in crisis and has difficulties with people in a wide variety of settings. I know she's been through a lot in the past. Do I have the right to feel that I was mistreated by being given the silent treatment?

I understand if she wanted space and not to talk, but to deliberately not respond to texts of me worrying about her for weeks at a time felt horrible. I try to give her excuses, and she makes them too based on having "a lot going on," but I can't help thinking it's playing the victim too much. I have my problems too with Bipolar Disorder, but I wouldn't treat a friend this way. I don't know how to move forward.

Oh I agree with you and the other posters. Yes you were definitely mistreated. What your friend did was very rude and immature. She should have said something. I've had people do this to me and I find it very rude and it even caused me to lose respect for people who have done this to me in the past. Like you said, I'd rather someone get mad at me and say it to my face than flat out ignore me. It may not be pleasant, but at least I would know why they are mad or what is wrong. Someone who just simply doesn't respond after pretending like everything is okay is just freaky since you don't know if they are mad or if something bad happened. I'm sorry she did this to you. You deserve better and I'd be more cautious of her from now on.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Oh I agree with you and the other posters. Yes you were definitely mistreated. What your friend did was very rude and immature. She should have said something. I've had people do this to me and I find it very rude and it even caused me to lose respect for people who have done this to me in the past. Like you said, I'd rather someone get mad at me and say it to my face than flat out ignore me. It may not be pleasant, but at least I would know why they are mad or what is wrong. Someone who just simply doesn't respond after pretending like everything is okay is just freaky since you don't know if they are mad or if something bad happened. I'm sorry she did this to you. You deserve better and I'd be more cautious of her from now on.

Thank you. Although I made up with her and I let her know that it was not okay what she did, today I felt some anger coming on. Built up anger that kind of creeped up on me. It wasn't while talking to her. It was just me lost in thought, that I've been striking out with friends and people a lot lately. It's especially bad that it was a few people close to me lately. Something that makes me especially upset after finding out that I was given the silent treatment, is that I really was scared something happened to her, and it really hurts when people seem to feel empowered by my suffering. I know it's extreme for me to interpret her silence that way....but that's how she made me feel.

I lost my best friend in the whole world to cancer 2 years ago. I had a traumatic breakup with my ex fiance, who was my other best friend, right before that. So loss is scary for me when it comes to friends and people in my closest circle, but everything seems to be falling apart.