[magasanguis]

Here's my situation.

I'm a fifteen-year-old girl. Yeah, I know. Not the best sentence to start with, I'm sure you all have some preconceived notions. But the reason I'm here asking for advice is because I'm not "typical" per say, especially when it comes to relationships.

I don't have much to do with teenage dating and social scenes. I find that sort of thing trivial and unnecessary.

When I met my friend Ben, the thought of a complex social issue didn't even cross my mind. He's not my type. Physically, I don't have an eye for him. Plus at the time, my friend liked him and that pretty much turned him off to me.

We were introduced by this mutual friend. I had known of Ben through school, but I never talked to him because he's an extrovert, very well-liked, and even if I were comfortable with him, he was usually in mixed company.

Anyway, in less than a year's time, Ben and I have become pretty good friends. I identify with him more than any of my friends. I don't like him... At least I don't think so.

Ben and I have a pretty comfortable relationship. Even when we're just sitting around, we're usually lying scissor-legged (if that's the word for it) so we can massage each other's feet while we watch TV. We're comfortable with each other physically, but we're not physically intimate.
Emotionally, Ben knows a lot about me. About some of my personal demons. He's interested in psychology, so he's willing to listen. I suppose trust exists for him, but it's always hard for me to trust anyone, so I'm still apprehensive about telling him some things.

For the longest time, I couldn't understand why so many girls at school like him. I was content being his friend, I couldn't ask for anything more of him. But now I'm not so sure. He's said (to many of my friends who asked) that he doesn't like me. And why should he? I wonder if perhaps he feels the same way about me as I do about him? Not lust, really...
It's more of a thing where there's not much that would change if we decided we both liked each other. Physical intimacy, perhaps, but that's not something either of us require, really. We've each gotten our hormones under control.

But at this point, I for some reason wish we were together. Maybe because some small horny teenager part of me wants to have a physical relationship, or maybe the simplicity of it appeals to me.

If nothing else, I want to further deepen our friendship. I'm not very co-dependent, but sometimes I need someone who will be there for me, and I'm not so sure I'm his best friend, even if I'd love for him to be mine.

Either way, what do I do now? How do I figure out how I really feel, and where do I go from there? What should I say to him, and how can I improve our friendship?

[sabby]

Wow, megasanquis, can I just say that I'm quite impressed with your maturity and how you think things through. Just because you are 15, I do not have preconceived notions or ideas about you as a person. Not everyone does that

It sounds to me like you are both taking your time and becoming close friends. While doing that, it stands to reason that you may find things about him that really click with your way of thinking hence, you wonder if a deeper relationship could come out of your friendship. That is completely normal and I think acceptable.

While you are still quite young (not meaning as a put down), there is still a lot to learn about relationships and communication. Even as adults we still continue to learn about our relationships and communication.

I applaud you both on your inner strengths for not jumping into a physical relationship. I'm sure you are aware that when that happens, it can put either of you in peril for many different reasons.

Since you have both been so good at being patient and learning about one another up to this point, I believe that you should continue down that path. In a good and healthy relationship, intimacy is so very important. And I don't mean physical/sexual intimacy, I mean the kind that comes from knowing a person inside and out...the kind that means you can relate to his emotions/fears/joys with your heart and he to yours. From that type of intimacy will grow more respect and friendship.....the kind that creates a good solid basis for a mutually satisfying deeper relationship.

This is not to say that your physical desires are not valid. But from what I understand from your post, you have a good insight into yourself and how you are feeling emotionally and physically.

Take your time hon.....relax and let yourself enjoy his company as close friends. I wish that I had your insight when I was your age.

Hugssss
sabby

[magasanguis]

Okay...
So long as you think I'm okay so far, let's throw in some external factors that, while there isn't really much I can do about them, may impact everything to an extent.

I have a friend (I'll call her Melanie) a year younger than me (two years younger than Ben) who I recently started talking to again. Our circles of friends don't really overlap anywhere, so I wanted to integrate her with Ben and me. She's been mistreated from some of her friends who have their own problems, so she's in need of some well-adjusted friends.
I invited both of them for a sleepover at our cabin of sorts out of state. From Saturday til Sunday. Melanie and I used to always have sleepovers, and then we drifted, but I thought having another sleepover would be a good way to "re-break" the ice.
Co-ed sleepovers are something relatively new to me. My parents were originally in on the idea of a big sleepover with four of my friends, two other boys and two other girls. They figure it's okay so long as they know they can trust everyone there.
Recently Ben's started sleeping over at my house. He used to walk a block or two home at one in the morning, so my mother was the one who suggested he just stay the night. We sleep on my corner couch, so it's no big deal.

Anyway, my parents "observed" how we acted around each other, meaning they basically passed judgement on us... And they concluded that Melanie likes Ben. I don't think this is the case, Melanie has denied it, but it opened up an entire argument with my mother.
Suddenly she was exploding with opinions and advice about my social life. How Melanie likes Ben, how he likes me and is just waiting for me to say something, how I should show him some gratitude or something to that effect...
Now, as far as I know, Melanie does not like Ben. But I think that if he gives her the acceptance she craves, she may confuse that gratitude for attraction. Since he will probably be the first guy to take her seriously, she may develop that liking for him. But we'll see.
He doesn't like me. Everyone seems to think "it's so obvious," but it's been brought up time and time again, and he's stated that he doesn't like me like that.
And I most certainly don't owe him anything.

Question is, how do I stop my mother from judging? I'm sick of it, and my friends are, too.

Plus, I'm beginning to feel that my relationship with Ben isn't really mutual. There's definitely a bit of a block. Ben's best friend is a senior this year, who I'm going to call Cassie. They dated two years ago, but now they're just friends. Cassie has a "new" boyfriend who's a little older than she is. Apparently that's what she looks for in a relationship.
Now I'm kind of making assumptions here, but it seems like Ben still clings to her. I have no idea how their romantic relationship ended, and it'd be interesting to know, but it seems like Ben has more of a need for Cassie than she does for him. Although I like Cassie a lot, and we get along just fine, she seems to put a damper on my relationship with Ben.

Also, Ben wants a psych major when he goes to college. Even though I too have an analytical mind, sometimes when we're having a conversation I can't help but feel like he's testing me... How do I deal with that sort of thought?

Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time to read this. It's confusing, I know, but I really appreciate the help.

[sabby]

Well mega...there is a lot going on I can see. I can understand how confusing it all can be too. Unfortunately, I'm getting ready to leave on a long flight back home right now and I don't have time to post much of anything useful. I just wanted you to know I read your post and will think about things and try to get back to you within a couple days. I hope that's ok with you.

In the meantiime....try not to overthing things too much. Just let things go at a natural flow and see where it takes all of you.

I wish you well!

Hugsss
sabby

[magasanguis]

Thanks so much. It's great to know someone's considering it.

But, the beat goes on...

My dad and I had a long conversation/argument today about how he's sure Ben likes me and how Melanie likes him... I noticed he was very objective about how he analyzed mine and Melanie's behavior. He was much less so with Ben.
Here are his points.
Ben likes me.
He wouldn't stick around until one in the morning unless it was true.
He's waiting for me to make the first move because according to my dad, he's trying to make himself more appealing to me by playing hard-to-get. (Because as I've said, I'm really not into dating.)
He's a teenage boy with a high sex drive, and for me to be so physical with him is manipulative and unfair.

I argued with him about it, and it got but then realized that I really needed Ben's input. I didn't want to continue putting words in his mouth.

So I IM-ed Ben, and eventually that turned into an argument about how I need to learn to let these sorts of things go. But he cut it off, at which point I realized that I only needed to ask him one question, which would solve everything, help me better communicate with my dad, and better understand him.
"What do I really mean to you?"
His response was along the lines of, "You're a very good friend and I can feel that I can act how I want without fear of you either hating me or falling in love with me."
My appeal, I suppose, is in my apathy.

I don't know yet. It's very late, and I just wanted to post this before I forgot, basically. I'm finding this is actually a great way for me to stay organized with the situation!